I don't know what to do about my step daughter

ecpcsb

My partner and her daughter moved in with me about 4 years ago. Her daughter was 12 at the time.

Over the first 3 years, both my partner and I have had to deal with self-harming, fake suicide attempts, poor grades at school, the police turning up on our doorstep because she told childline she was going to kill herself (it was a joke apparently), getting drunk, and pure laziness.

The past year things have improved, she seems to have grown out of most of these behaviours. She's due her GCSE results in a few weeks, personally I don't think she will do very well, however both my partner and daughter are full of confidence.

My partner and I believed that her school wasn't the correct place for her, so she starts at an art college in September to do a 2 year diploma. We don't actually know if she's genuinely interested in art, but it was the only area our daughter showed any interest in.

My issue is with my step-daughter's laziness and lack of any motivation. She's generally a very happy girl, always smiling...but she does absolutely nothing. Her friends have got summer jobs, hobbies etc., but all our daughter wants to do is get up whenever she wants, and then gets back in bed to eat and sit on her computer and phone. Eventually she'll get up, shower and get ready with all her make-up, eat dinner and then do nothing again.

My partner goes out to work every day, and I run a business from home, so on the whole I have to clean up after her, clean the shower after she's used it, do the washing, cleaning etc. After 6 weeks of my step-daughter being at home during the day, I am now really struggling.

The obvious thing to do is talk to my partner and my step-daughter. I have tried this, as tactfully as I can, but it doesn't work. Things may change for a day, but then it goes back to how it normally is.

My partner does think she's lazy, but doesn't think it's a big deal. My partner had another daughter who sadly died about 15 years ago, and so my step-daughter is effectively an only child and a 'princess'.

Whenever I've tried talking to my partner about this, she's gets angry with me and says that because I've never had kids of my own I wouldn't understand. I do know what she means by this, but no issues ever get addressed.

I love my step-daughter, like she is my own. But I want her to learn, have some drive in her, get some motivation, try and achieve something in life, and realise that nothing in life comes easy...you have to work hard to get anywhere. We do have fun as a family, there is laughter, days out and holidays.

I feel like I am getting to my wits end, and I don't know what to do. I'm not expecting to change my step-daughter overnight, it could be an immaturity issue and I am sure she will 'come good'.

If you have any advice on what I can do either to help her or to help me deal with this, I would be most grateful. Thank you.

fivetide

Best start earning that phone connection... by doing jobs around the house.

There is no incentive for her to do anything because it sounds like it is all handed to her on a plate.

I appreciate the issue with your other half but she can't expect you both to do everything forever.

Errata

Sounds like it's time for a no holds barred conversation with her mother.

FBaby

I think you need to separate the issue of her lazy unmotivated attitude from her acting like a princess. In the first instance there isn't that much you can do at this stage but show her a good example and hope it is a phase (supposedly it is! ). Offer to do things with her but don't insist or show your frustration when you get a negative response.

In regards to her contributing to the household chores I think you do need to tackle this strictly. Surely your partner doesn't think it is acceptable that she can be without a job and do nothing at all to help. Even I'd she is maybe you can talk with your SD directly calmly and agree the things she is expected to do which should consist of art lay clearing up after herself.

RAS

ecpcsb wrote: »

My partner goes out to work every day, and I run a business from home, so on the whole I have to clean up after her, clean the shower after she's used it, do the washing, cleaning etc. After 6 weeks of my step-daughter being at home during the day, I am now really struggling.

You need to stop cleaning up after SD. Whilst ever you do that, there is no incentive for either her or her mother to think about the consequences of her actions (or inactions).

Once mum comes home to a mucky shower, washing up, washing, mess etc, she will start to think a bit more.

BigAunty

Some of the behaviour that you outline around her laziness, lack of motivation, general attitude and behaviour actually seem very reminiscent of threads on this forum from parents complaining about their teenagers who don't have behavioural or academic issues.

See if you can find the recent threads about whether children should be paid pocket money to do chores as it contains advice on how to deal with their domestic skills weaknesses. There's also another one from a parent pulling their hair out about their undergraduate daughter who moped at home all over the summer when her friends were active and in employment.

Since your partner doesn't support you, you face an uphill struggle to promote positive changes. You could perhaps just withdraw from the domestic activities that you do for her.

Any chance you could hire a cheap office to escape to each day? Working from home means the home/work boundaries are collapsed so perhaps you'll find the separation refreshing.

I've been shocked by how my friend deals with her adult daughters, continually paying for extra courses for them as they dither about what to do with their lives - they've been in further and higher education for years in quite diverse fields as they keep claiming to have made false starts. They keep dropping out of courses and employment. She funds their properties and furnishes them, treats them to clothes, holidays and so forth. She's ended up with 2 daughters in their mid to late twenties whose restlessness persists simply because she funds their whims and protects them from economic reality (namely that if you reach your mid to late twenties with very little employment experience and chaotic CVs, you are in minimum wage employment, living in shared properties but she's ring-fenced them from standing on their own two feet).

pmlindyloo

Have a read of this thread:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5028026

Lots of ideas here.

At the very least you can see that you are not alone!

sassyblue

My nephew was like this but he's just turned 21 and has finally settled into a good job, I wouldn't say he helps out around the house more but we can see he's turned himself around, I think most do and it's a phase.

I remember leaving school and didn't have any motivation, the world seemed overwhelming and l didn't have any confidence but gradually that changed. We used to employ youngsters at my old works and we likened them to a bowl of water you had to keep stirring up, as soon as you stepped away and let them get on with the job, they would stagnate!

STOP picking up and cleaning up after your SD, her mother will think differently if she sees her mess.

What were her issues growing up? You don't have to say what I'm getting at is, have they cleared up? Sounds like she was crying out for help with something.

marisco_2

ecpcsb wrote: »

Whenever I've tried talking to my partner about this, she's gets angry with me and says that because I've never had kids of my own I wouldn't understand. I do know what she means by this, but no issues ever get addressed.

You don't have to have kids of your own to understand them, nor to recognise that the way they are behaving is detrimental to them long term. Young people should be encouraged bit by bit to build self reliance, independence, and to have drive and ambition. Does her mum not wish to stand back proudly, and watch as her daughter goes out into the world one day, fully able to stand on her own two feet and carve out a great future for herself?

As things stand she will still be lazing around on her backside, expecting everything in life to be handed to her on a plate well into her 30s and beyond. Not a welcome prospect I am sure. OP raise the subject again and ignore crocodile tears and wails of you don't understand! You have the measure of the situation spot on, others just don't want to face up to it. Good luck

KatieDee

When I was your daughters age I was a complete nightmare. Like your step-daughter, I was lazy, had no drive and basically did what I wanted. I had very little respect for my parents or anybody else and lived for the moment, without any thought of how I was going to live the rest of my life.

To this day I'm not entirely sure what happened but one morning I woke up and decided I was going to get a job. My parents were funding me at the time but I just wanted to get out and make my own money. I went out, got the first job I interviewed for and worked my way up in a field I wanted to be in. I realised how much better it was to be a completely self-sufficient adult. I no longer needed to rely on my parents and could in fact treat them to things!

What I'm trying to say is...your step-daughter is young and although it is very frustrating, some people just don't have natural drive until they find something they want to do. As soon as I decided what I wanted, there was no stopping me. I just wasn't going to force myself into a job or lifestyle to please anybody else (thats arrogant teenage attitude for you!). There is absolutely nothing you can do to make her follow the path you would like her to follow, no matter how sensible it sounds. In fact, the more you express your interest in a specific life choice, the less appealing it will become

Also keep in mind that life gets infinitely harder after the age of about 18 (once you introduce bills, living expenses, work, etc) so she is probably just enjoying having no responsibilities.

As others have said, it might be worth cutting some of her privileges and teaching her that she has to work for things in life. If her friends start to get jobs and have their own income, she'll soon feel left out when she realises she has to come to mum and dad to plead for money.

Support her as far as you can, show interest in her interests (however fruitless this may be at times!) and keep her involved in the family. The one thing you don't want do is damage her drive or confidence any further. Although I began to annoy my dad after a few years of "ambivalent teen attitude", he still stood by me (with a disapproving look, I might add!) and supported me in my choices.

I am forever grateful for my parents support and looking back...I'm very embarrassed about my behaviour. That said, I try and make it up to them however I can. Hopefully your daughter will come out the other end and be grateful for your support too

thatgirlsam

I have a teenage daughter and yes she is lazy wotsit sometimes. I remember being the same though. My dd works extremely hard at school and is doing very well. I just hate to get at her for having a rest at home.


BUT! If the grades were falling and the attitude was bad then it would be different. However.. given that your SD seems to have been through some emotional stress / trauma .. she may say she made some up, she may have seriously contemplated harming herself then that would make me very worried.


I'm not saying she shouldn't do anything. Just that it's normal for some teens to be incredibly selfish and lazy.


Keep supporting and loving her, she'll never, ever forget it, I guarantee you that.