Rights as a sister?

Better_Days

pinkshoes wrote: »

I'd grow some thick skin and learn to fake getting on with your mum, without it bothering you, for the sake of your relationship with your sister.

Relationships with parents improve as you get older...

No, relationships with parents don't always improve as you get older. If OP's Mum is manipulative and frequently upsets OP, I can fully understand why she is considering the best way to go forward. If Mum's behaviour is seriously dysfunctional, no amount of 'thick skin' can prevent OP from getting hurt again.

OP I am sorry for what you are going through, there is certainly no easy answer. As you suggest, contact with your little sister via other family members may be the only way forward. Don't feel guilty for refusing to accept the way your Mother treats you.

ETA There is a long thread on here somewhere about difficult relationships with Mothers - can't find it, perhaps someone could link if they know the one I mean.....there was a lot of discussion around the subject of not liking your Mother.

Mirr0rs

Better_Days wrote: »

No, relationships with parents don't always improve as you get older. If OP's Mum is manipulative and frequently upsets OP, I can fully understand why she is considering the best way to go forward. If Mum's behaviour is seriously dysfunctional, no amount of 'thick skin' can prevent OP from getting hurt again.

OP I am sorry for what you are going through, there is certainly no easy answer. As you suggest, contact with your little sister via other family members may be the only way forward. Don't feel guilty for refusing to accept the way your Mother treats you.

I certainly don't feel guilty at all. I've tried my best to please her, make her feel proud of my accomplishments but I've never felt she gives a damn about myself or my life. I'm not looking for cards and cakes but since I was 16 I've left school with excellent grades, passed college with a diploma, I found a full-time job in the field I studied in, with great prospects for the future and I'm currently finalising my first move in with my partner who is a great source of strength. I was a mess before I met him.

Unfortunately it seems my mother was more fond of me that way than she is now. She wants someone malleable that she control like a puppet and I'm not willing to be that person any more, so her only way to get me to do as she pleases is to dangle my sister in front of me like a carrot.

Someone mentioned neglect - Neglect is one factor in making a !!!!!! parent and it's besides the point. The issue I raised was access to my sister. Not why I want nothing to do with my mother.

And again, I'm not adopting pinkshoe' advice, appreciated as it may be.

Bottom line - I've had a chat with my partner and in turn he's asked me to talk to my grandmother. She's incredibly old school and doesn't stand for nonsense. Realistically there's no way she would allow my mother to stop me seeing my sister for such a petulant reason and I'm pretty sure if other members of the family found out about any such action they might rally around me as well. So i'll simply visit my mother to access my sister. As soon as that stops I'll raise it with the family.

Thanks to everyone for the replies/ :-)

Mojisola

Mirr0rs wrote: »

Bottom line - I've had a chat with my partner and in turn he's asked me to talk to my grandmother. She's incredibly old school and doesn't stand for nonsense. Realistically there's no way she would allow my mother to stop me seeing my sister for such a petulant reason and I'm pretty sure if other members of the family found out about any such action they might rally around me as well. So i'll simply visit my mother to access my sister. As soon as that stops I'll raise it with the family.

Could you meet your sister at another relative's house without your mother having to be there? It's good that you have a supportive partner.

Wiggywoo has lost contact with her sister because of their mother's behaviour - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4805353 -
it's hard but sometimes you have to cut contact with manipulative relatives otherwise life is so difficult.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175 is happy haddock's thread that Better Days mentioned.

thorsoak

Mirr0rs wrote: »

I'm not one for adopting head-in-the-sand syndrome. I was a lot less thick skinned when I lived with her. It took some serious talking and three years with my partner to get me to a place where I feel strong and confident enough to live my own life. I moved in with a relative, I finished school, did 2 years of college, got a diploma and a full time job in my field of choice as a result.

I'm not about to put up with my mothers manipulation and guilt trips, jeopardising my own own future, because my mother refuses to think like an adult but act like a child.

As much as I adore my sister, I've been told that I have to live my own life at the same time as I try and look after my paternal family. I'm not the problem here and others have said the same thing. If push comes to shove and she DOES deny me access then I only hope I can rely on the support of other family members to help my mother do the right thing for the sake of both her daughters.

I appreciate your reply, but I'm not a fake person. Deception is my mothers forte, not mine.

You are only 18, and you've achieved all of this?

Better_Days

Mojisola wrote: »

Could you meet your sister at another relative's house without your mother having to be there? It's good that you have a supportive partner.

Wiggywoo has lost contact with her sister because of their mother's behaviour - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4805353 -
it's hard but sometimes you have to cut contact with manipulative relatives otherwise life is so difficult.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175 is happy haddock's thread that Better Days mentioned.

Thanks Mojisola for the link that's the one :A

stejobeth

thorsoak wrote: »

You are only 18, and you've achieved all of this?

My 18 year old daughter has finished school, done 2 years of college and left with a diploma. She has also started a full time job this week so it can be done

Jox

What about the new baby, that will be your brother or sister too. Your mum probably has reasons why she behaves the way she does, maybe because of her upbringing. You will probably love the new baby too and he/she may need your support in the future.

rachiibell

I think Marshmallow82 bought up neglect in case your mother was failing to take proper care of your sister. If this was the case you could report her to social services.

Good luck

IrishRose12

Can you not arrange to see your sister 1-2 times a week and instead of being around your mum, take her out for the morning/afternoon/day?? That way you can have quality time with her, and not be in your mum's company.
You say that your partner has told you to move on and basically forget your mum. At the end of the day - no offence to your partner - it's your choice what to do and your choice alone.
If you really want to keep in contact and continue your relationship with your sister, I'm sorry to say but you'll have to tolerate your mum, let whatever she says to you go over your head and concentrate on your sister. Hard to do yes, but what's even harder is not seeing your sister.
Do what YOU want to do. And if that means being polite to your mum while visiting your sister then that's what you do.

It's NOT FAKE, it's not lying, it's called being the better person and teaching your sister an important lesson also.

maman

Jox wrote: »

What about the new baby, that will be your brother or sister too. Your mum probably has reasons why she behaves the way she does, maybe because of her upbringing. You will probably love the new baby too and he/she may need your support in the future.

As your mother is only interested in anything that benefits her, might you be able to offer to babysit your little sister? Then you could take her out/back to your home and have little to do with your mum. She might agree to this, especially when the new baby comes and she wants a rest.