Friend in denial about spending

tabouleh

Pollycat wrote: »

I hope he's never heard of MSE otherwise you'll have a lot more to apologise for.

I'd be bloody furious if any of my 'friends' posted similar stuff about me on a public forum.
There's more than enough in this thread for him to be able to identify himself.

If he came across this by himself, I'd be thrilled! It'd mean he'd been trying to face the problem and therefore no longer in denial :T

Pollycat

tabouleh wrote: »

If he came across this by himself, I'd be thrilled! It'd mean he'd been trying to face the problem and therefore no longer in denial :T

But you might be minus a friend.

Seriously, I think you are out of order.

tabouleh

Pollycat wrote: »

I'd be bloody furious if any of my 'friends' posted similar stuff about me on a public forum.
There's more than enough in this thread for him to be able to identify himself.

I take it from the inverted commas that you're suggesting I'm not a real friend? I'm only asking for advice as to how I might help him, or whether it's even possible to do that. How do YOU define a 'friend'? Someone who nods along thinking, "oh well, at least it's not affecting my bank balance", while their 'friend' plummets into the depths of financial ruin and alienates himself from his family?

tabouleh

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

You need to re-evaluate your friendship with this person.

I couldn't have someone in my life with such a sense of entitlement that they parasite on their parents to the degree that they have remortgaged their home to finance him. That might be quite judgemental of me but if he treats his own flesh and blood like this, then other people in the world are purely instruments to be exploited by him and nothing more. If you can deal with such a person without coming to harm yourself, then good luck to you.

Yes, sometimes I can't believe it's the same person, who is kind and perceptive in the rest of his personality, behaving like this.

bagpussbear

However well meaning you might be, he doesn't want to hear it.

Without sounding harsh to you, it's none of your business how he manages his financial affairs (by the sounds very badly).

Just keep the conversation away from finances, and let him get on with it.

Pollycat

tabouleh wrote: »

I take it from the inverted commas that you're suggesting I'm not a real friend? I'm only asking for advice as to how I might help him, or whether it's even possible to do that. How do YOU define a 'friend'? Someone who nods along thinking, "oh well, at least it's not affecting my bank balance", while their 'friend' plummets into the depths of financial ruin and alienates himself from his family?

I think you are trying to be very controlling over this friend.
You obviously think you are a good friend but you want him to change.

You've tried to change him but it's patently clear that he's not ready to change.

You've already said you've fallen out over this issue but you continue to pick at it.

I would define a friend as someone who is supportive when I need it but who knows when to back off.
Not someone who has the cheek to email some article to point out my shortcomings.
I think that is incredibly presumptuous of you and I'm not in the least surprised that you are having to apologise.

I've had friends who have been hell bent on destruction, both from emotional and financial perspectives.
There's only so much you can do or say to try to make them see sense.
Then you have to let them go and be there to pick up the pieces.

What part of 'you can't make him have his lightbulb moment until he's ready' do you not understand?

How many posters have told you it's none of your business?

tabouleh

Pollycat wrote: »

I would define a friend as someone who is supportive when I need it but who knows when to back off.
Not someone who has the cheek to email some article to point out my shortcomings.
I think that is incredibly presumptuous of you and I'm not in the least surprised that you are having to apologise.

It wasn't an article pointing out his shortcomings; it was an article of a case study of a person who expressed an almost identical problematic upbringing to my friend's and a similar financial relationship developed between the person and his mother. As he is always reflecting on his upbringing and searching for logic in that area and with his therapist, I thought it'd be of interest to him.

Anyway, ok, yes, I get your point. I should leave it all well alone. I don't have any plans to broach the subj again with him and I will probs tell him to hold back on the daily sms and emails which reiterate these personal topics of his, which are all too intense and, judging from people's posts here, not something I can assist with.

justme111

No need to tell hum anything ,just don't raise to bait

justme111

If he will be unhappy with you not discussing his lifestyle he will bring the subject up himself

tabouleh

Maybe a further 12 months with his 2 pounds-a-minute therapist will eventually give him the answers he needs.