Friend in denial about spending

tabouleh

Pollycat wrote: »

Does he really expect you to 'take on these issues' or is it you who wants to take them on?
It sounds to me like he doesn't want you to help but you seem to see it as the duty of a friend.
It really isn't your duty - unless/until he comes to you and specifically asks for your help in sorting out his finances.

Maybe you should sit down with him, explain how you feel about his profligate ways and how it makes you feel when he discusses money with you.

As I said in an earlier post, you'll either reach an agreement about talking about money that you both feel comfortable with or you'll have another fall out.

He doesn't tell me to back off; he just denies he spends money. He does ask my advice in a roundabout way, asking whether he should pay off this or that credit card, should he buy a travelcard to save on commutes to work (er, yes!), etc.

But, yes, I see what you're saying, just ban these topics and maybe, as another post says, he will have a 'lightbulb' moment.

FBaby

It sounds like he is probably compensating money for other things to bring in pleasure in his life. It is quite common.

How secure is his job? He earns well and if he doesn't have a family to support, on this salary, he should be able to stay alright even with debts (ie. if he could have his LBM at anytime and by cutting down all the unecessary purchases, repay the debt quite quickly). The problem though is what would happen if he were to lose his job? What if he becomes ill, made redundant, etc... That's when trouble happens.

My OH has a single friend of a similar age who has spent his entire life either over spending, or having to sell things to pay his debts (we can't count the number of properties he's had and sold!). However, he is ok because he has a good secure job which means that even if he lose his current job, he can't go to another one as his skills are in demand. It was another matter for another friend who earnt well and lived over his means. He managed until he was made redundant. He wasn't worried, assumed he would find something else, but he didn't, had to take a job half the salary, and found it very hard to adjust his lifestyle, let alone repay his debts. He is in trouble and I think he is officially depressed now.

tabouleh

SeduLOUs wrote: »

This is probably more normal than you think in a world of payday loans and easy available credit.

If he's 'only' borrowing a few hundred quid each month, successfully paying it back and not racking up huge credit card debts then in the scheme of things he's actually doing quite well.

No, he has at least a half dozen credit cards and at least one payday. At the time we had fallen out, he now tells me he had bailiffs at the door. His parents have done the equity-release thing on their home to help him out. I wish he'd have the 'light bulb' moment, but I don't know what it'd take.

Dozey_crow

rachy182 wrote: »

Your friend doesnt want advise he wants to rant, dump his feelings on you and is probably looking for sympathy. I know how frustrating it can be when someone is complaining about money issues but any suggestion is disregarded especially if they have a world is against me mentality but you cant do anything until they realise they need to change. Next time your friend brings up this subject either nod at the right times but say nothing or tell him that you dont want to talk about money

tabouleh wrote: »

world against me mentality - very true of my friend

Hello,

I understand that you are trying to help but think you may be flogging a dead horse on this one.

Yep I work with someone like this. Earns quite a bit spends loads £5-6 per day on lunch everyday.. Always purchasing pricey photography equipment for hobby. Is always bleating about having no money despite us seeing these spends and being told, by them, of others. Close inspection of their behavior (seeing things like buying expensive lunch/coffees out then asking for a charity donation of £2 back that afternoon because "it's a lot of money for some of us", never paying into the tea club but using it, inviting colleagues out for coffee then once they are ordered saying " I've got no money " forcing the other person to pay (not me a nice colleague!)and grabbing handfuls and handfuls of cake and only putting in 50p for a charity cake bake sale) reveals that they are not a nice person.

A younger colleague has been accused of being spoilt and indulged by this person because they have saved hard for and bought their own car and they can't afford to buy one The young colleague explained how she saved money by bringing in lunch, not buying expensive things etc and the response was horrible (" well we can't all line at home with mummy and day can we?" Was one . As you say justifying and rationalizing their behavior getting angry and defensive and really rude.

The world against me mentality rings true with my colleague too.. Any excuse to say how hard dinner to they are, how unfair life is our how they have been mistreated.. YAWN!!!

Oh yes the colleague borrows money as a friendship test too from one person in particular.. Very odd.

I would recommend distancing yourself for your sanity!!

justme111

Those friends can be a liability , ask yourself why you.need him.. no need to fall out , just a bit of distance may make you more tolerant to his rants and him appreciating what you.say more

justme111

I am talky.g from experience here. I lost a friend which i regret for.similar reasons. We fallen into "critical adult /rebellious child " pattern . As a consequence neither of us treated another with respect , as responsible adults do. I still regret losing her and hopefully it taught me to watch what I am saying a bit more.

Pollycat

tabouleh wrote: »

No, he has at least a half dozen credit cards and at least one payday. At the time we had fallen out, he now tells me he had bailiffs at the door. His parents have done the equity-release thing on their home to help him out. I wish he'd have the 'light bulb' moment, but I don't know what it'd take.

Actually, I think it's his parents who need to have a lightbulb moment as currently they are enablers in his spending habits.

There will probably come a time when they either say 'no' or their money runs out and they have to say 'no'.

tabouleh wrote: »

Right now, I'm having to apologise to him for sending the webpage and 'misunderstanding' his situation; it's either that or fall out again completely.

I hope he's never heard of MSE otherwise you'll have a lot more to apologise for.

I'd be bloody furious if any of my 'friends' posted similar stuff about me on a public forum.
There's more than enough in this thread for him to be able to identify himself.

ljonski

Has anyone ever quoted Plato on MSE?

“Justice means minding one’s own business and not meddling with other men’s concerns.”

ska_lover

Let him get on with it - it's not affecting your life - unless he is borrowing off of you

BitterAndTwisted

You need to re-evaluate your friendship with this person.

I couldn't have someone in my life with such a sense of entitlement that they parasite on their parents to the degree that they have remortgaged their home to finance him. That might be quite judgemental of me but if he treats his own flesh and blood like this, then other people in the world are purely instruments to be exploited by him and nothing more. If you can deal with such a person without coming to harm yourself, then good luck to you.