Friend in denial about spending

mountainofdebt

I don't pass any comment on the way my friends manage their money and would be pretty upset if my friends commented on mine.

If his parents are willing to subsidise him when he earns £3k a month then that's their business.

DigForVictory

If he won't listen to you, he won't.

He has to want to change & right now, it doesn't sound like he does.

If he's a friend you want to keep, agree just not to talk about it? (Difficult but possible.)

Should you hear any softening in attitude (don't eavesdrop too hard - give it a decade) point him to MSE?

Pollycat

tabouleh wrote: »

He talks a lot about his issues growing up (he's 36 now), as well as mentioning his therapist's responses to some things. He has a lot of anger and resent toward his parents. I often think, if they are so awful, why not limit/avoid contact with them altogether? But the fact that he continues to take money off them makes me think he is kind of punishing them, like giving them an ongoing 'fine'.

It's really none of your business why he takes money off his parents, nor is it any business of yours whether they continue to give him money .

The situation is as it is.

If you can't cope with the things this friend wants to discuss with you, then tell him that certain subjects are off-limits.

He'll either accept your restrictions or the friendship will end.

tabouleh

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I don't pass any comment on the way my friends manage their money and would be pretty upset if my friends commented on mine.

If his parents are willing to subsidise him when he earns £3k a month then that's their business.

I will try a 'moratorium' on financial subjs, but it does come up in many guises, e.g.:
He says: "Do you think I should enrol for French evening course?"
...what would be your response? "Yes, that'll be fun and useful, if you stick to it" ?
...what about if you know he enrolled for something similar, paid 300 pounds and only went to two lessons? Do I remind him of that?
To be a friend, there has to be some sincerity and care, surely?

I see people think it is impertinent of me to get involved in his finances and troubles re. family rels when he was growing up, BUT he talks about these subjs. I could certainly cut him off when he talks directly about money, but the subj comes up in many forms. I could 'just listen' (which is what I usually do), but it's hard to continue to be an 'empty vessel' taking on these issues without trying to 'help' in some way. This is actually why we fell out a few years ago for a long period of time.

fannyadams

just LET IT GO

rachy182

Your friend doesnt want advise he wants to rant, dump his feelings on you and is probably looking for sympathy. I know how frustrating it can be when someone is complaining about money issues but any suggestion is disregarded especially if they have a world is against me mentality but you cant do anything until they realise they need to change. Next time your friend brings up this subject either nod at the right times but say nothing or tell him that you dont want to talk about money

tabouleh

SailorSam wrote: »

People have to learn for themselves, you can't tell them.
I've got a friend that i've fell out with at the moment 'cos he constantly complains about how much debt he's in, but he shouldn't be if he only thought first. Now i've left it to him.

Thank-you.
How long did you give the friendship before cutting ties with him? Was there a 'final straw'?

Pollycat

tabouleh wrote: »

I will try a 'moratorium' on financial subjs, but it does come up in many guises, e.g.:
He says: "Do you think I should enrol for French evening course?"
...what would be your response? "Yes, that'll be fun and useful, if you stick to it" ? Yes this should be your response.
...what about if you know he enrolled for something similar, paid 300 pounds and only went to two lessons? Do I remind him of that? No, because it's his money, not yours.
To be a friend, there has to be some sincerity and care, surely?

Being a friend and being sincere doesn't mean sticking your nose into someone's finances - especially when that friend has told you to back off.
I see people think it is impertinent of me to get involved in his finances and troubles re. family rels when he was growing up, BUT he talks about these subjs. I could certainly cut him off when he talks directly about money, but the subj comes up in many forms. I could 'just listen' (which is what I usually do), but it's hard to continue to be an 'empty vessel' taking on these issues without trying to 'help' in some way. This is actually why we fell out a few years ago for a long period of time.

Does he really expect you to 'take on these issues' or is it you who wants to take them on?
It sounds to me like he doesn't want you to help but you seem to see it as the duty of a friend.
It really isn't your duty - unless/until he comes to you and specifically asks for your help in sorting out his finances.

Maybe you should sit down with him, explain how you feel about his profligate ways and how it makes you feel when he discusses money with you.

As I said in an earlier post, you'll either reach an agreement about talking about money that you both feel comfortable with or you'll have another fall out.

tabouleh

rachy182 wrote: »

Your friend doesnt want advise he wants to rant, dump his feelings on you and is probably looking for sympathy. I know how frustrating it can be when someone is complaining about money issues but any suggestion is disregarded especially if they have a world is against me mentality but you cant do anything until they realise they need to change. Next time your friend brings up this subject either nod at the right times but say nothing or tell him that you dont want to talk about money

world against me mentality - very true of my friend

SeduLOUs

tabouleh wrote: »

I have a friend who is in denial about the amount he spends. I would say that I am a thrifty person, so I'm not sure what the 'norm' is, but the fact that he is a single person, earning 3k a month, but has to ring his parents before the end of each month to borrow a few hundred quid before pay day, makes me think this cannot be normal.

This is probably more normal than you think in a world of payday loans and easy available credit.

If he's 'only' borrowing a few hundred quid each month, successfully paying it back and not racking up huge credit card debts then in the scheme of things he's actually doing quite well.