Would you want to meet your dad?

campercomper

Trying to keep this short and sweet.

I've never ever met my father. I was raised by my mother alone he his never been involved whatsoever in my life. when i was around 16/17 she explained to me they were both young etc but at the end of the day he didn't want anything to do with us.

i found him about 3 years ago on facebook, and sent him a private mail to be honest i cant even remember what i said, but along the lines of its a shame i don't know you and you are my father blah blah - THEN he replied!! straight away i blocked him on facebook. i don't know what i was playing at, i think i was curious
, then when he replied i was just too nervous to take things any further with regards to meeting him so i panicked and blocked him.

since then i've been ok, but the curiosity is killing me.and i keep thinking what if he dies before i meet him etc? does that make sense? like i just want to know what he's like, even though i wouldnt want any sort of father/daughter relationship with him.i just want to know about him.

has anyone been through this what did you do? sometimes i feel like the "black sheep" of the family and i wonder if it's because im more like my father even though i haven't met him :rotfl:

PenguinJim

If you didn't care, it probably wouldn't be on your mind.

You could try flipping a coin. If you're disappointed with the result, then you know what you want to do. If you're happy with the result, then you know what you want to do.

scottish_lassy

I have been through something similar. My parents divorced (bitterly) when I was very young and because of all the bad feeling I didn't have contact with my father - until 40 years later when he sent me a little card!!!! We have now been in contact for 10 years and he has now actually moved nearer to me!! (mother has died, so that bitterness has gone)

I can so understand your curiosity as a WHOLE (aunts, grandparents, cousins) side of YOU is missing - no-one who already knows their family can understand having a total blank for half of your family! If you do follow this up, a couple of things which I have found
1 take things (very) slowly - eg contact by card/letter first
2 leave the past in the past - don't dredge things up and just BE for the present and the future
3 don't expect a 'normal' father/daughter relationship - it can never be as that familial bond/attachment is not formed in your early years.

Good luck with whatever you decide and ofcourse consider your mother in all this, she has been there for you all along (and will continue to do so, I suspect!)

SL

Pricivius

My parents split when I was very young. I next saw my father when I was 12 and I ran and hid! Then again when I was 16 - he invited me for lunch with his new wife. It didn't go terribly well as no one knew what to say and it ended up being a little points scoring exercise.

Then I went away to uni and invited him for lunch. He never replied.

I then saw him when I was 21 and we exchanged hellos. That was it. We couldn't find another word for each other.

Then he died. Somewhat suddenly after an accident. Attending his funeral, all anyone could say to me was that there was no point asking who I was. I am the spitting image of my father and his side of the family. I empathise with your black sheep point!

So... Any learns from this? I wish I had more time to get to know him. As Scottish lassy says, to put the past behind us and find out about each other now. Just to have known him as a person would have been some comfort. My expectations were low, but it turns out neither of us were in the right mindset to open up and just chat as two people.

Good luck in whatever you choose.

Seanymph

I think it's hard to allow his relationship with your mother to mean that you have no relationship with him.

You may have a whole family there desperate to learn you - currently you don't have him in your life, if it all goes wrong you won't have him in your life. So you lose nothing.

If it all goes right then you have him.

I can't see the downside myself.

SailorSam

My Mum got divorced when i was only a baby i've never ever seen my Dad. Not even a photo, her wedding photos there's my Mum standing on the steps of the church with her white dress, and all the pictures are ripped in half with him missing. She never spoke about him there was obviously a lot of bitter feeling and i knew instinctly not to ask.
After my Mum died i started to trace a family tree, i felt i couldn't do it before 'cos i knew upset it would make her. I found an old address for his Mum & Dad, but that was 70yrs earlier so i doubt it would have helped but i thought about writing. He may be dead now. But at 61 i still wonder. Maybe when i get back into the family tree i'll find a bit more.
So advice to you would be, If your Dad has said 'Hi' to you on Facebook, give it a second go.

Alikay

My biological father left my mum when she was pregnant with me, and there's some inconsistency in the info she's given over the years.

I do know where he lives and that he married and had more children due to some internet searching I've done, but I haven't, and don't intend ever contacting him. I'm 53 and he's late 70's so I don't think we could bring anything positive to each other's lives and it could cause a lot of problems if his family don't know, or if stories don't tally.

Yes, I'm curious, but that's all, and I can live with it rather than risk a lot of upset for people who moved on from it all 50+ years ago.

MancBrel

Life is short. One day it will be too late, of that we can be certain. From what you have said I believe that you have built this up in your mind, and why wouldn't you? You say that you wouldn't want a relationship with him, but as you've never even met him how can you be so sure that this is how you would feel once you spend time with him?

I would advise you to spend some time to consider a meeting. Speak to your Mother about it beforehand, and talk about the natural curiosity you have over this hidden side of your life. I suspect it's a bit more than curiosity?

If I told you right now that your father had died, and that this door is now well and truly shut, then think about how that would make you feel.

seven-day-weekend

I traced my birth mother when I was 61, 2.5.years ago. I was only mildly curious until then, but now am really glad I did so, especially as she has no other children. I also have a birth aunt who does not have any children, so it's quite important to them that I am on the scene.

Mother is 86, Aunt is 96 on Saturday. I'm glad I found them in time.

Just some things for you to think about.

hazyjo

Agree with above - life is too short. Don't faff around, just chat. You've heard one side of a story - not the full story.

My BF has three kids he doesn't see (he has an older one he does see) - the 2nd wife made it impossible (he didn't help himself at the time). We've managed to track down where they live now (they don't know - she moved them all away). I see the pain he now suffers on a daily basis and obviously often cries over his children. Unfortunately he wasn't strong enough to fight at the time and was battling addictions, bipolar and had a mental breakdown. I think she was oblivious.

He'd love nothing more than his kids to contact him when they're old enough. He knows he messed up, he beats himself up regularly over some of the things he did - but we now know he was obviously very ill and had little support.

Please at least hear your dad out.

Jx

Lozzy88

I would contact him through fb you have nothing to lose by talking to him.

I would make it clear you are not interested in excuses or reasons why he hasn't been apart of your life and that you just want to know more about him and that side of the family. If yous get on and in the future would like to meet up you can and if you don't, you don't have to!

Good luck whatever you decide