Would you want to meet your dad?

devildolly5

I went through something similar a few years ago. My Dad left my Mum when I was three and mum was expecting my little sister. He was not a nice person and I only have a few horrible memories of him when I was young.


My younger sister never met him, but is very much like him in attitude, looks etc. and did find it harder not knowing. As part of her degree she started a documentary with a friend where they both wanted to find and meet their fathers. She then found out a bit more what he was like through my mum (restraining orders and all!) and was not sure she would go through with it. At this point my paternal grandmother died and we knew then we had no choice but meet him as he was at the funeral. He didn't even acknowledge we were there.


He died a couple of years later (when I was 26) requiring a bone marrow transplant, that ironically, my sister or me could have helped with had we known. I only went to the funeral for my sister and uncle as I was dead against going. We inherited some of his belongings including a diary which had our birthdays marked in, which did upset me a bit as I guess he did still think about us.


My advice would be to give it a chance before it is too late. I do regret not meeting him properly and asking all the questions I wanted, even if it was something I did not want to hear, but I now wont get the chance.

jackomdj

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I traced my birth mother when I was 61, 2.5.years ago. I was only mildly curious until then, but now am really glad I did so, especially as she has no other children. I also have a birth aunt who does not have any children, so it's quite important to them that I am on the scene.

Mother is 86, Aunt is 96 on Saturday. I'm glad I found them in time.

Just some things for you to think about.

Was it really that long ago? I remember following your updates at the time. :)

Ozzuk

I tried contacting my dad, his wife told me politely to get lost. Caused me a lot of stress/upset. Then a stepsister I didn't know I had contacted me, we wrote to each other for a while then that was stopped as well.

I sometimes wonder about them, apparently I have a step brother as well, and I know it's probably one of those issues I've sat on and not dealt with but I kinda think its his loss and s0d him.

whodathunkit

scottish_lassy wrote: »

I have been through something similar. My parents divorced (bitterly) when I was very young and because of all the bad feeling I didn't have contact with my father - until 40 years later when he sent me a little card!!!! We have now been in contact for 10 years and he has now actually moved nearer to me!! (mother has died, so that bitterness has gone)

I can so understand your curiosity as a WHOLE (aunts, grandparents, cousins) side of YOU is missing - no-one who already knows their family can understand having a total blank for half of your family! If you do follow this up, a couple of things which I have found
1 take things (very) slowly - eg contact by card/letter first
2 leave the past in the past - don't dredge things up and just BE for the present and the future
3 don't expect a 'normal' father/daughter relationship - it can never be as that familial bond/attachment is not formed in your early years.

Good luck with whatever you decide and ofcourse consider your mother in all this, she has been there for you all along (and will continue to do so, I suspect!)

SL

I think that's a vast exaggeration.

My parents were happily married for over 50 years and I never met any of my dad's side of the family until we took him to see his sister a few months before he died. Even on my mother's side I wouldn't recognise my cousins if I tripped over them and have no idea whether they have children of their own.

For many people, their family is their parents and their siblings, not all the rest of the gang.

duchy

I think the fact he responded straight away on FB is a positive sign .
You don't have to go from no contact to meeting. You could suggest you start by emailing and see how it goes (you could even set up a new email just for this )

What is your Mum's attitude to him now- does she think they were both too young or does she carry resentment? Has she told you what he's like as a person (or was back then)

My ex's Dad simply vanished from his life when he was six and crashed back into his life in fairly dramatic circumstances when he was in his twenties. He was a pretty selfish person -and not young when he stopped access visits so little excuse-and my ex hasn't developed a close relationship with him although keeps in loose touch still as far as I know. He seems to feel that it has closed a chapter of not knowing why he disappeared from his life so overall positive and I think he's glad it happened overall.
My partner is adopted and at 50 traced his birth mother and they are slowly building a relationship. He was thrilled that all her children and grandchildren already knew all about him and in fact the grandchildren had tried to find him for their grandmother already. His adoptive Mum isn't thrilled TBH as she can't have children and can't understand how anyone could give up a child so we won't be introducing them

Get to know him slowly with no expectation - think of them as a distant relation who it may be interesting to get to know a bit -and see where you go from there. You've nothing to lose and some new family to gain.

Shelldean

Oh I wish I had the option to meet my dad.
Similar story to yours, my mum was only 16 although he was older.
He did turn up once when I was 13 months and gave mum the money for a pair of shoes for me.
He has a common name and mum never had an address.
When I started tracing my family tree I did write to all the blokes with that name living in the area he used to plus a few more further away. But I was approx 35 at this point and he could've moved yrs ago. I sent over 30 letters and think I got three replies. I obviously didn't say I was tracing my father just a basic family history letter.
My Nan seems to think he got another girl pregnant and married her. So I've potentially got half siblings in addition to the half sister I was brought up with.
He's never tried to contact me even tho Nan lived in the same house where he I was raised and he met me at 13 months till her death in 2007.

I don't expect a huge reunion and a wonderful relationship, but I'd like to see him. See we share any similarities etc I have four kids I'd love them to met their grandfather. I'd also like to know of any medical problems...I hate answering the doctors with don't knows when they ask about the families medical history. They ask those questions for a reason!!!
I don't miss my dad as you can't miss what you nevr had, plus.I was brought up by Nan andi don't think my childhood was awful or bad.
But I am definitely curious and as he would be almost 70 it may already be too late. But I have no idea how to find him.

duchy

SailorSam wrote: »

My Mum got divorced when i was only a baby i've never ever seen my Dad. Not even a photo, her wedding photos there's my Mum standing on the steps of the church with her white dress, and all the pictures are ripped in half with him missing. She never spoke about him there was obviously a lot of bitter feeling and i knew instinctly not to ask.
After my Mum died i started to trace a family tree, i felt i couldn't do it before 'cos i knew upset it would make her. I found an old address for his Mum & Dad, but that was 70yrs earlier so i doubt it would have helped but i thought about writing. He may be dead now. But at 61 i still wonder. Maybe when i get back into the family tree i'll find a bit more.
So advice to you would be, If your Dad has said 'Hi' to you on Facebook, give it a second go.

Have you ever tried plugging into ancestry or Genes -often other people's trees give quite an insight into what they did next and indeed if they are still alive? You may even find they are looking for YOU !
I was amazed at how thrilled my fiance's half siblings were that he'd turned up as their Mum had always talked about him and they had always known he was out there somewhere.

Snakey

It sounds like you haven't talked to your Mum about this. If you go ahead, are you planning to keep it a secret from her? If not, then perhaps you should raise the subject again before you meet him. There may have been things that she didn't want to tell you at the time because you were younger - of course it might also have been the dead truth and it would be reassuring to know that too, I think.

I'd probably want to meet him if it were me. I don't think I'd actually be interested in a father figure, but it would be nice to find out a bit more and maybe even meet some of the rest of them too.

duchy

The medical side is important - My fiance discovered he needs regular checks as there is a condition in the family that needs checking for - easily dealt with now he knows but he'd never have bothered having the additional checks before as he had no idea he was in a high risk group

whitewing

Everybody has their own interpretation of events, so what is true to your mum is not necessarily true to your dad, and vice versa.

I would want to know, but I would also accept that mum may not be happy. I think everyone will have conflicting emotions.