Would you want to meet your dad?

sacha28

I haven't read all the replies but I shall share my experience of this.......

My real father left, apparently, when I was 4 months old and was pretty much never heard from again until I was 13. It was suddenly sprung on me by my mum that he had been in touch and wanted to meet me, my brother and sister. 'Ok' I thought, 'why not'.

I don't remember much of the day apart from it being awkward but I got to meet my half brother K who was a little toddler and I was happy with that. That was it......nothing from him.

6 years ago I had a major falling out with my mum and decided to find out what went wrong with my real dad so I found my brother on FB. After a couple of emails my father said he wanted to meet so I invited him down. He, his wife (who is just lovely) and my half sister (knew nothing about her but we got on amazingly well) came down and he spent the whole day trying to justify his leaving by telling me that my mum was, basically, a slag and had many men behind his back and he has always doubted that I was his.

Nice.

Needless to say I haven't seen him again :rotfl:

I get asked quite a bit if it upsets me....not really, I managed 27 years without his input and I'm pretty sure I can manage another 27 years without him. Shame about my brother and sister though

Tread carefully and decide what it is you're curious about. It could end fantastically or it could, like my story, end in disaster.

Rev

My dad left when he found out my mum was pregnant. She then found out he already had a family. I saw him once on my 7th birthday, I don't remember it. But there's a photo of me and him and I've got a 7 badge on.

My mum raised me by herself and I have to admit I've never given my father a second thought. I've never searched for him or felt the need to search for him. If he searched for me I'd have no idea what to say or do because he's a total stranger.


But if you've always wondered and always wanted to know I think you owe it to yourself to contact him. You're only here once and you don't want to regret it in years to come, try to contact him and find out it's too late.

Shelldean

duchy wrote: »

The medical side is important - My fiance discovered he needs regular checks as there is a condition in the family that needs checking for - easily dealt with now he knows but he'd never have bothered having the additional checks before as he had no idea he was in a high risk group

That duchy is my biggest fear of not knowing my father, his medical history plus the history of my paternal grandparents. I have three boys and a daughter, I worry that I am just a carrier and the kids have got something from me. But knowledge like your fiance received could make all the difference.

duchy

Alikay wrote: »

I agree. It can even be an advantage sometimes to not know, for example when an insurance company asks "have any of your close family suffered with x, y or z?".

And it can be a massive advantage to know if there is a genetic condition in the family that you know about and make a balanced decision about what you want to do about it whether that is screening or more regular checks. Personally I think it would be good if adopting parents were given this kind of info.

duchy

Shelldean wrote: »

That duchy is my biggest fear of not knowing my father, his medical history plus the history of my paternal grandparents. I have three boys and a daughter, I worry that I am just a carrier and the kids have got something from me. But knowledge like your fiance received could make all the difference.

It was certainly a useful thing to know and something his birth Mum told him about early on and something he has told his own children to be aware of both for themselves and the grandchildren.

It's very odd though to having been used to not resembling anyone in the family to suddenly find you look like your uncle and grandfather though.

Some adoptees never have any desire to find out more about their birth families -others are more curious . My BF spent years looking as his mother had a very common surname but there are some amazingly helpful people out there. She was finally found by the adoption social worker at our local council (not the one who handled the adoption but when he went looking he was advised to talk to him)which was good as he also gave great advice on how to handle the situation and acted as a go between to make first contact..

dundeediva

Hi OP,

Having been in this situation myself I have to admit im still torn about this kind of thing.

I met my dad for the first time at the age of 15. A few weeks later i met my half sister and half brother (and step mum). If i hadnt have met him. I wouldnt have met them so I am greatful but tbh he's a total waste of space, only cares about himself and his wife is much the same.

If i can give you one piece of advice, it would to have low expectations if you decide to meet. You might have the fairytale reunion that you see in movies but reality is not really like that.

Good luck

Be_Nice

I was in a similar situation.

Parents separated when I was 4 and he was completely gone from my life by the time I was 6, although I remember very, very little from when he was around.

I tracked him down when I was 21, we have a good relationship now, but its not a close as a regular daughter/father, you can't make up all those years.

Take things, slow, don't expect too much and see where it leads. For me personally I needed answers, to move on with my life, which I got and the fact that over 15 years later we are still in contact is a bonus. I also found another sister who I am no in regular contact with too.

Sally_A

I have no experience of this situation, but my advice to a mate would be "Do it!" whilst you have the chance - you are old enough and cynical enough now to make up your own mind.
if you miss the chance you will kick yourself forever.


I'd also have a good mate on standby, to call me with a mega urgent call to get me out of the situation, or even to act as a neutral ref for the meeting. ie no input, just silent support.


Why are my posts now being centred?


How did that happen?

System

If I was in your position I'd think the fact he didn't want anything to do with me when I was growing up would speak volumes.

However, I would be tempted to find out what he looks like.

Sally have you selected the centring selection in the 'reply to thread' box?

GwylimT

I met my biological father for the first time when I was 23, I was born when my mother and her family were living in Sweden, my mother then married when I was a toddler, my mum attempted to keep it all a secret, but my step dad and maternal grandparents made sure I knew the truth. It was really difficult to track him down, we knew his surname and where he and his parents lived when I was conceived, in the end I used a company who can help you track a lost relative.

I was very nervous, my dad had never even known of my existence so I can't imagine how shocking it was when that letter arrived. My dad and I talk on a regular basis on Skype but due to distance we have only actually met four times.

Really, is there that much to lose, if you meet and it doesn't go well at least you can put to rest the what ifs.