teen standing his ground... wwyd?

oh.my.days.

itsanne wrote: »

I sympathise, not that it helps. At one point we took the router out with us and removed the tv fuse going to bed, but that was easier because the items not allowed couldn't be kept in a pocket. Changing the router password, or physically it if you don't know how, would be a suitable starting point - and he can't use it until he's served his sentence.

How old is your son? There's a big difference between a thirteen and a sixteen year old. I think you need a bit more help with this, for he's just discovered that he can refuse to do as you ask.

One problem, which we never resolved, is that when people tell you what you should do they don't take account of the fact that almost everything assumes a degree of compliance in the first place.


ETA and remove the phone etc when he is asleep.

hes 15... thats exactly it, did you find a way? you say never resolved, but did you find a way?

whitewing

Could you get a cheap, crap phone that you can swap so that he still can text or call but it is embarrassing to him?

We always found it inconveniences us too much if we confiscate phones!

globalds

what did he do wrong ?

springdreams

Do you have a male family member (brother, grandad, uncle) that could have a word with him?

I second the suggestion of turning off / removing the router.

itsanne

oh.my.days. wrote: »

hes 15... thats exactly it, did you find a way? you say never resolved, but did you find a way?

I wish I could say yes, but the situations aren't the same so don't let that worry you. You've said your son is generally a good kid, so underneath he probably is willing - most are.

Maybe, and I'm not criticising, you've been a bit over the top in what you wanted to confiscate because you were so upset at what he had done. He might feel less backed into a corner if it wasn't everything. (That's intended as something to think about for future incidents.)

How would he feel about you contacting the girl's mother to let her know what had happened? The threat of that may be enough to make him hand over the items.

moneysniffer

Personally, I feel that perhaps your punishment is a little over the top for the crime. If he is generally a good kid, then probably the worst/best punishment would have been you hugging him and crying on him as soon as he walked in the door, saying how you were so close to calling the police, thought he was dead in a ditch... He would be so mortified/embarrassed he wouldn't do it again - or, at least text you next time

As it is, he probably doesn't see the problem with being a bit late home and doesn't understand why you are trying to punish him in this way. The boy is nearly an adult, and I'm sure he feels like he is one already - maybe it's time to sit down with him and have a grown up chat about why his behaviour upset you, instead of dishing out arbitrary punishments.

slightlyconfused1

The best way I know to deal with a situation that has got out of control is one I learned from my Dad.

When things have calmed down I sit the child down and talk reasonably to them about what they have done and how it made me feel. It is very uncomfortable conversation for them and always very long. In this case I would go deeply in to he fear and worry being late causes and the impact being lied to has on you both (the lies are the real issue imo). Ask him how you are supposed to trust him next time and explain the consequences of a lack of trust, checking up on him etc and then ask him what he thinks about it.

I know it doesn't sound like much of a punishment but in this situation you need to find a way forward. By taking the anger out of the situation and speaking to your son like an adult you force him to face the issues without giving him any reason to be angry or turning the blame back on you. That's a teenage instinct and they use it to justify anything.

At his age punishment is not always the best option but trying to find a way that you can maintain a good respectful relationship is.

kafkathecat

My ds has got to 16 without ever being punished for anything by me. Instead I talk to him and explain why I am annoyed/upset/whatever and we work out how to stop the problem arising again.
We have also talked about how hard it is to win back trust once lost and the problems that that can cause.
It has worked for us and I believe it has been easier for both of us in the long run.

tyllwyd

I would say that putting yourself in a position where you are having a physical confrontation with him is not a good idea (for either of you). You need to find out how to assert your authority in other ways - he's not a toddler, the two of you need to rebalance your relationship for you to allow for the fact that he is getting older and more independent, but for him to still respect you as his mum.

Alikay

We did the talking thing too, it generally works well.

Definitely choose your battles wisely with teens. It's never a good idea to pick one when they return home all testosterone-charged from being with a girl.....the best thing would've been to give him chance to have the inevitable bedtime cozy texting session with the girl rather than remove his contact at that point, and have the talk in the morning when you were both calmer.