teen standing his ground... wwyd?

Seanymph

Lots of good advice, but then hindsight is always 20/20 - especially with other people's lives!

I had a couple of run ins with my step son, but have to say if I 'squared up' to him he would back down eventually. I had his Dad's back up though, even if he wasn't present.

You need to not be beaten, that's for sure - so you have no choice but to speak to him about it.

Personally I'd back down a bit if you could do that without losing face.

Point out that if he and his g/f want to be happy together having parents who approve and are on side is a big bonus... That he phoning and lying to you doesn't make you see her in a good light, that you think that's really shabby of both of them. That you won't tell her mum this time, but that if he is ever going to be late you want a text or phone call before he is late, not after.

I would then push for the 24 hours or whatever you set on his devices - tell him you can't allow it to not be done, even if he doesn't think it's fair, you were cross - but you are happy to negotiate how that will be done (he can do a few hours at a time as long as it's all within a week or something, so you can both save face).

I would also say if you don't do this then xxxxx - cancel his contract, switch off the internet or whatever.

Mine at that age weren't allowed phones in their bedrooms. At night they went into the bowl in the kitchen, and I was always up first so could see if they were missing in the morning.

If they weren't in the bowl they lost them for 24 hours, after three lots of 24 hours they lost them for a week.

That only ever happened once.

In some ways it was easy though because I had four, so they saw the other getting punished and avoided it, it becomes a family culture. Sounds like your son is either the eldest, or the only.

Good luck, I'd say you need to win this one - he is asserting himself over you, and you have to be in charge or it could go very wrong on you. But you can negotiate - just make sure you get your sanction complied with.

Maysie

Hide the chargers? My husband got us a singing dancing router. He can block specific words and websites from being used now. Trying to use them gets a 24hr block on the router. He has also set the computer to reroute to the disney page if son tried using a certain website he gets intense about.

POPPYOSCAR

[QUOTE=moneysniffer;65994387]Personally, I feel that perhaps your punishment is a little over the top for the crime. If he is generally a good kid, then probably the worst/best punishment would have been you hugging him and crying on him as soon as he walked in the door, saying how you were so close to calling the police, thought he was dead in a ditch... He would be so mortified/embarrassed he wouldn't do it again - or, at least text you next time

As it is, he probably doesn't see the problem with being a bit late home and doesn't understand why you are trying to punish him in this way. The boy is nearly an adult, and I'm sure he feels like he is one already - maybe it's time to sit down with him and have a grown up chat about why his behaviour upset you, instead of dishing out arbitrary punishments.[/QUOTE]

I agree.

What will you do to him if he does something really bad?

Being late in is something all teenagers do at one time or another.

You need to sit down with him and agree you over reacted somewhat but explain why you were so upset.

oh.my.days.

many thanks everyone for all of your input - it is very much welcomed and i have taken everything on board

we have always had a very open close relationship and are able to talk things through after we've had a clash in the past, this is what i intend to do again later, when he gets in i'll sit him down and talk things through with him. he went off to school this morning somewhat quiet, but i did still get my kiss on the cheek.

I think those of you that have said that i came down hard are correct, and it looks like an unbalanced punishment for the crime, however we have had some quite serious issues in the past with regards to lies, 'internet' usage and also this girl, and i really am trying to keep him on the right line. he's the only one ive got and the only one i will have, so maybe i am over compensating for the that.

like i said in my initial post it was just how to deal with a large teen fronting up - it was quite a surprise to me i can tell you, usually all it takes is a look and stern word but last night he was a different lad, not one i recognised and i think that frightened me somewhat. i should have removed myself from the situation.

so now i'm rambling! thank you all once again for your input and im looking forward to posting a hopefully happy update later

millysg1

I get the impression you don't actually think your son would actually hurt you and so his puffing himself up is more a test to see if he can intimidate you to stand down. Personally, I would probably stand my ground back, look him straight in the eye with a stern look saying "yes, mate? What are you really going to do?". Eye brows raised and be stubborn enough to not move until he realizes he doesn't intimidate you.

You're his mum and he will be testing the boundaries of what he can get away with. See him as a 2 year old having a tantrum to you saying No and don't give in to it.

RAS

Can I recommend Steve Biddulph's "Raising Boys".

And ask whether there is a father anywhere in the background. And if not, whether you have a male family member who can talk to him?

atrixblue.-MFR-.

How does this girl fit into all this? do you think she is having some sort of a bad influence, or are you being a protective mum and the no girl is good enough subconciouse stance coming out?


I do think you were hard on him taking away almost all internet connecting devices for a 45 min late home and small other little bits not worth a mention here, he took his stand because he knew you were being unreasonable to the punishment you wished to inflict for the infraction.


Why did you not call him to say hey you 10 mins over your curfew how long will you be? if he was then 45 mins late I'd say the punishment was justified as he ignored you completely after being reminded he's late.
I can also see whats coming if he has a love interest in this girl and this is the reason for some conflict between you and your son he's going to be less likely to talk to you about his relationships and introduce future friends that are girls and girlfriends he in a relationship with if you go into protective mum mode very early on in his developing teens.

pollypenny

Since you had your morning kiss, and he was quiet, it seems as if your son had reflected on his attitude.

Now is the time for the chat. If you really don't approve of the girl, it could be very awkward, though. Tread carefully.

VestanPance

You all do realise if he has a decent data plan with his phone turning of a router will have no impact on him getting internet access on his phone.

The punishment seems like an over reaction, or possibly trying to prevent him from contacting the girl he's seeing. If that's the case that won't end well and will most likely see him side with the girl.

Mojisola

oh.my.days. wrote: »

I challenged him on a 45min late in.... he stood firm and knew i couldnt do a thing. he lied by letting a girl pretend she was her mother. said girl contacted me on her mothers phone pretending she was her, he knew all along. and some other bits.

Is the main issue that he was late home or the lies and deceit?