teen standing his ground... wwyd?

kafkathecat

Alikay wrote: »

Certainly making it easier or less risky for them to tell the truth is a good idea, but it's very common for teens to lie and be sneaky anyway: It's a fairly normal stage of development, and something to do with loosening ties to parents and learning to make judgements and decisions for themselves. Often parents will say "my child wouldn't lie to me", and unless the child is incredibly meek or the parents incredibly liberal, I tend to think "there goes one deluded parent" :rotfl:

I didn't say my son never lied to me. All people lie it is human and, in reality, an important skill to have to live in society. Eg. do you like my new haircut? But so far he has not lied about anything important (that I know of!). He also has secrets - I just tell him that he can tell me anything if he wants to but he doesn't have to.
I'm really just not interested in blame and punishment I just want to solve problems.

Alikay

kafkathecat wrote: »

I didn't say my son never lied to me.

Wasn't a dig at you. Honestly. Sorry if you thought that's what I meant

kafkathecat

whodathunkit wrote: »

How far would you take that as a policy though?

That is a good question! I honestly don't know as I don't really follow any parenting philosophy I just try to do what works for us. I only know that I haven't yet reached a situation that wasn't resolved (at least eventually) by talking.

z.n

Some brilliant comments on this thread. Really helpful.

I am small and a scaredy cat so do not handle aggression at all well. DS knows this and by mutual unspoken agreement (or maybe it just happens naturally I don't know) we have moved on from the whole punishment that must be followed through come what may approach.

Our system now he is just about 16 involves me expressing disappointment/ anger, him doing same/both of us getting a bit upset (tears on both sides if it is a biggie)/walking away from each other for a bit and then talking it all through to mutual satisfaction (occasionally with a few more tears, a hug and resolution to try harder). This talk includes both of us expressing why we were upset, what we felt was unreasonable in the other's response/ what the actual problem is and how we can try to modify our behaviour to deal with it. Sometimes it is his behaviour and sometimes it is up to me to back off a bit. Occasionally we have to agree to disagree and simply accept that he/I am annoying sometimes and that we will try not to overreact.

I may be too smug about it but the last time, a few days ago, I was really surprised how open DS was about how he felt and how much importance he was willing to give to the talk. And how committed he was to seeing everything sorted between us.

In OP position I would be quite frank with her son and tell him she felt physically threatened and is that what he intended. I had that convo with DS a year or so ago and he was horrified at the idea of scaring me. His intention was to argue not bully so we found this other way that takes account of both our personalities.

Typing this I realise I am trying to train DS to deal with disputes in the same way OH and I do-as equals and with respect (once the tempers cool!). I think it is all part of handing responsibility for your child over to the child themselves- it is not always a smooth process.

georgie262

I think this is a really tricky situation. When teemage boys feel 'conered' it often ends badly I think.

I would make it clear to him that a line has been crossed and it's actually quite a momentus thing that has just happened.
Immediately I would back off letting him know that I felt that this incident was serious and come back to him the next day to try and discuss it when things have cooled down.
It is quite a big line that he has crossed in wanted to square up to his pown mother and he need to see that if he wants to go down that road things will never really be quite the same again.

I would hope that when he had cooled down he would come the right conclusion which is that he needs to hand the stuff over. He also needs to know that his mum is not backing down from this even though it appears you are taking a step back. Good luck

oh.my.days.

many thanks to all once again!

just to clarify a few points before he gets home...

I absolutely did call him! I called his phone 6 times after the 10 minutes after his due home time had passed - its certainly not the lateness that is the main issue here, its the ignoring his phone and the not thinking to text/call me when he realised he was late, i would have had no problem at all had he done that. he's 15 not 4, so more than capable of telling the time but then to go on to have this girl text me pretending she was her mum, and after driving out to find him a bit later (he'd gone for a walk at one point) realising that they were actually in the house alone. her mum wasnt even there. 2 hormonal teenagers (she is just 14) home alone doesnt fill me with much joy tbh

my bugbear is the lies and the deceit indeed. not really got a problem with the girl generally, and i'm certainly not over protective - he's had 2 girlfriends since this one ended at christmas, but he has always returned with a major attitude problem after seeing her even back then.

as for my being aggressive - i dont do aggression, my voice is very rarely raised (when it has been he knows hes crossed a line and its been that way since the terrible toddler years)

anyway i better go now, thanks once again for your help

ashleighsalem

when my ds was the same age and ignoring calls, I would pm him on facebook saying that if he wasn't home in 10 mins I would post a message on his wall. It always worked - though he wasn't in the best of moods when he got home.

RAS

oh.my.days. wrote: »

I absolutely did call him! I called his phone 6 times after the 10 minutes after his due home time had passed - its certainly not the lateness that is the main issue here, its the ignoring his phone and the not thinking to text/call me when he realised he was late, i would have had no problem at all had he done that. he's 15 not 4, so more than capable of telling the time but then to go on to have this girl text me pretending she was her mum, and after driving out to find him a bit later (he'd gone for a walk at one point) realising that they were actually in the house alone. her mum wasnt even there. 2 hormonal teenagers (she is just 14) home alone doesnt fill me with much joy tbh

I assume you have had a discussion about the potential legal problems with 14 year old girls? I have long believed that a little exploration behind the bike shed is a sign of a healthy teen but we live in a panicked society.

There was a very very frightened thread on here when a 15/16 year old was reported to the police by a 14 year old girl under pressure from her parents. He was bailed but there was a distinct possibly of a criminal record and long-term restrictions on his employment opportunties. The OP was strongly advised not to permit him to consent to a caution and to get a lawyer.

And remind him that possession of interesting pictures on his mobile is also an offence and the police have prosecuted or cautioned lads forwarding them to mates (so far I think it has been lads).

Totally understand your concern and suggest that he is told that if they ever pull a stunt like that again, you will be speaking to her parents.

tomtontom

Mojisola wrote: »

The first time there would just be a discussion about "How are you going to make sure you're not going to be late next time?"

The second time, "We're not happy that you're not sticking to the rules - phoning us isn't an opt-out of curfew" and a discussion about the consequences if it happens again.

The third time, parents have had enough and consequences kick in.

As kids get to their teenage years, the relationship has to gradually change from parent/child to adult/adult. We didn't want our late teenage kids to behave a certain way because breaking our rules lead to punishments but because they could understand our reasoning and chose to manage their lives in a sensible way. We wanted them to be responsible for their own actions before they left home.

Are you American or have you just watched too many episodes of Supernanny US?

Mojisola

tomtontom wrote: »

Are you American or have you just watched too many episodes of Supernanny US?

Neither. My kids are too old for us to have watched programmes like that.