Can I afford to leave?

boltonangel

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

I think u'll find your husband ur husband provides a home, all the bills, does the school runs ( presumebly maintains the house whilst u work) and pays for sky.

Which I think is quite a lot.

U get to enjoy the weekends with them, paying nothing outside of food and fuel. Hmmm Ye I can see why he might feel abit crap.

Now unless there's some SERIOUS reason u have failed to mention, u are taking the !!!! by saying he pays for sky and drops them off at school!

Firstly he doesn't do ANYTHING within the house, he literally picks them up from school then comes home and plays on his playstation while they play in their rooms.
The utility bills and home come with his job so yes I suppose he does pay for those in a way (although they are at no cost to him) I pay the tv licence and council tax aswell as his car insurance and all the food we all eat I seriously don't understand why you appear to think I am the bad guy because he does the school runs while I work.

I'll give you the reasons but you'll probably tell me I'm being stupid for these aswell.

He doesn't let me have friends other than those that are his staff, I'm not allowed out on nights out even if I wanted to, he constantly tells me I'm a rubbish mum because I can't do the school run, I do ALL the housework, I'm told how fat I am constantly aswell as how !!!! I am at my job and all of this is in front of the kids who are now starting to mirror this behaviour. But I suppose he doesn't hit me so I'm being selfish for wanting to leave.

jayII

Boltonangel, try not to take posts like that too personally. Wherever you go there will be people who like to upset and criticise you. It's really their issue and their problem, not yours, if they can't be kind, open minded and fair people.

If things have broken down and you know there's nothing left and it's time to leave, then that's the right thing for you to do. YOu only have one life.

I agree with the posters above who say you will manage, and a salary of 26k is enough on a rent of £650 a month. Good luck.

Mojisola

boltonangel wrote: »

Firstly he doesn't do ANYTHING within the house, he literally picks them up from school then comes home and plays on his playstation while they play in their rooms.

He doesn't let me have friends other than those that are his staff, I'm not allowed out on nights out even if I wanted to, he constantly tells me I'm a rubbish mum because I can't do the school run, I do ALL the housework, I'm told how fat I am constantly aswell as how !!!! I am at my job and all of this is in front of the kids who are now starting to mirror this behaviour.

But I suppose he doesn't hit me so I'm being selfish for wanting to leave.

No-one should stay in a relationship like this. It doesn't matter what other people think and you don't have to justify your reasons to strangers on a forum.

What you describe is an abusive relationship (you describe at least three of the types of abuse) -
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence
The Home Office definition of domestic violence is -
"Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass but is not limited to the following types of abuse:
• psychological
• physical
• sexual
• financial
• emotional"

If you want some extra support to leave him and in case he tries to manipulate you after the split, contact Women's Aid. They will be all too familiar with your situation.

Gigervamp

Boltonangel, ignore that poster. He's having a go at you because his wife has left him. You're in an abusive relationship, so you must leave. Please contact Women's Aid.

Confusedandneedhelp, stop projecting your anger over your wife leaving you, on the OP. She's in an abusive relationship and is doing the right thing by getting out of it. I suggest you leave this thread.

This is the second time I've felt the need to admonish you for your posts to other people. You need to sort yourself out.

boltonangel

Thank you for your advice

cheepskate_2

What are your children's views on moving and leaving their father.
As they are both older they have choices as well, and may well want to stay at home with Dad rather than leave with yourself.

According to a post you split up back in 2013.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/62931041#Comment_62931041

duchy

To be fair in with the anger there was a good point. Tied housing comes with a lot of expenses covered, not just gas , electric, water, TV licence (maybe) but also repairs and maintainace are likely to not be the battle they are with a poor BTL landlord. I'd be pretty peed off if instead of a higher wage I provided home, utilities etc and then was moaned at I only paid for the Sky TV. The OP is on a good salary so why wouldn't she provide the other expenses-as there are no debts it appears this is affordable and why would both parents work but not contribute. With no rent or bills to pay even with buying food etc that's a fair bit of disposable income. left I have a mortgage and could still manage very nicely on the OP's wage-especially as a car is included in her job package. Just because the home is provided as a job benefit doesn't mean it isn't contributing. Most tied jobs pay a lot less to offset this benefit anyway.

That said things have obviously deteriorated to a point where there is no liking or respect between them- but if the OP chooses to go she should do it in a planned manner not "Oh I fancy that available house" but have enough for all the expenses of moving (and there's always unexpected ones too) and then find a suitable property. In the long run that gives time to prepare....and prepare the children too.

Confusedandneedhelp

boltonangel wrote: »

Firstly he doesn't do ANYTHING within the house, he literally picks them up from school then comes home and plays on his playstation while they play in their rooms.
The utility bills and home come with his job so yes I suppose he does pay for those in a way (although they are at no cost to him) I pay the tv licence and council tax aswell as his car insurance and all the food we all eat I seriously don't understand why you appear to think I am the bad guy because he does the school runs while I work.

I'll give you the reasons but you'll probably tell me I'm being stupid for these aswell.

He doesn't let me have friends other than those that are his staff, I'm not allowed out on nights out even if I wanted to, he constantly tells me I'm a rubbish mum because I can't do the school run, I do ALL the housework, I'm told how fat I am constantly aswell as how !!!! I am at my job and all of this is in front of the kids who are now starting to mirror this behaviour. But I suppose he doesn't hit me so I'm being selfish for wanting to leave.

those are very serious reasons.

I just think u were not perhaps seeing the house etc as his providing because it's 'free', it's not free it's part of a package of work

Confusedandneedhelp

Gigervamp wrote: »

Boltonangel, ignore that poster. He's having a go at you because his wife has left him. You're in an abusive relationship, so you must leave. Please contact Women's Aid.

Confusedandneedhelp, stop projecting your anger over your wife leaving you, on the OP. She's in an abusive relationship and is doing the right thing by getting out of it. I suggest you leave this thread.

This is the second time I've felt the need to admonish you for your posts to other people. You need to sort yourself out.

Just because we don't agree doesn't mean you admonish me about anything, this is an open forum where anyone is able to give their opinion. It was not clear that this was an abusive relationship and I agree that the op should leave.

I was pointing out that saying 'he doesn't provide' was not accurate, which it's not.

duchy

I do think it is pretty rude to tell a poster to ignore someone else just because they have an alternative viewpoint. Disagree with them and counter their points by all means though.
It's also a bit egotistical to assume you can scold someone else. I really feel you need "admonishing" for this offence

Make it about the issue not about the poster or make it personal.