Why do people choose to get married?

Buzzybee90

Lovelyjoolz wrote: »

Some people are just intensely private. Some people are so cripplingly shy that the thought of standing in front of a vicar/registrar and making declarations of love and fidelity to be completely horrific. Even without the hordes of family and friends watching on.

Public displays of affection and announcements of commitment are just completely unimaginable to some people. But it doesn't mean that they love any less deeply. It's cruel and short sighted to say that their relationship is any less committed.

Weddings, even the smallest possible ones, are impossible for some people to contemplate.

And the concept of marriage is becoming outdated now anyway. There are fewer and fewer reasons to do it. Almost every protection marriage brings can be emulated with wills, trusts and Power of Attorney, which can all be done privately without any stressful public declarations. And the one and only thing that you can't emulate is that of the state pension, which, as it dwindles, becomes a complete non-concern.

The idea of getting up in front of people for any occasion petrifies me, I dreaded my graduation for 7 months. However, I've overcome bits of this through work and feel much more comfortable in front of people now... But my friends and family - scary! I do want a full traditional church wedding but I know I will be so scared but it is possible for people to have a truly private wedding if they wish.

Tygermoth

I have no intention of marring my other half, nor he me. We are rather quiet people. No declaration needed in front of any power that endures or friends/family they already know and i can assure you I am not 'keeping my options open ' Its worked fine for us for many years.

Thinking about it in our social circle of all the couples that married only one remains. however the four unmarried long term couples remain together.

Horses for courses. I can see why people would like to get married and would wish them all the best on their big day. its just not for me as experience shows me it offers no more stability or protection than being unmarried.

GwylimT

It made it easier for my partner to adopt my son, otherwise we wouldn't have got married.

Pricivius

I'm with Angry Bear.

My partner and I have known each other for nearly 18 years. We own a mortgaged house jointly together. Why do we need to marry? Our families and friends know we are together in a committed relationship; we don't need to formally declare it to the world as everyone we care about is fully aware. We have no intention of having kids so there's no issue there.

The divorce process would be quicker than disentangling ourselves from the house so I would argue we have already shown more commitment to each other and our relationship than a married couple without such a link.

For what it's worth, as a child of divorced parents who both then married other divorcees, I'm afraid I don't buy the marriage=commitment approach.

tea_lover

Pricivius wrote: »

The divorce process would be quicker than disentangling ourselves from the house so I would argue we have already shown more commitment to each other and our relationship than a married couple without such a link.

That was certainly my experience. It was surprisingly easy to get divorced (no children, no joint finances). It would be a lot more difficult to sort out the joint mortgage I have with my partner.

It was also a lot easier (and tbh, less thought!) to get married than it was to get this joint mortgage.

Not that I'm saying marriage is just about property, or anything like that. But I definitely agree that marriage=commitment is just not the whole picture.

Anatidaephobia

Love and commitment. Sharing a surname feels like it would make the transition from "couple" to "family".

Still, you could change your surname without getting married, and you can love each other and be committed and share your lives together without getting married as well. So you can't deny that legal reasons aren't important.

I have a mental illness which is treated and managed most of the time but I have to be aware that there is always a possibility that something could go wrong and I could become ill again. If that happens, I need to know that my OH will be recognised as next of kin and treated as such. I have heard stories of some hospitals refusing to let someone visit their partner because it was "immediate family only" and also turning to the parents for important decisions while the partner has no say in anything. If it ever came down to that, my partner is the only person I trust to make any decision and he's the person I'd want by my side - for me, this peace of mind alone, is a good enough reason to get married.

sulphate

We got married because:

We love each other and wanted to make a formal, public commitment
We want to have children and would like us all to have the same name (I don't like double barrelled names, just personal preference, and I wouldn't want our 2 surnames to be joined together!)
There are legal benefits, if I die whilst working for my organisation my husband gets a lump sum payout from the pension scheme. If we weren't married he wouldn't necessarily get this even if I stated I wanted him to receive it.
We both wanted to get married and believe in the institution
We wanted a wedding (marriage is different from a wedding)

I fully respect couples who don't wish to get married, but I don't understand the logic of a couple who have children and a mortgage together yet say they aren't marrying because they "don't know what will happen in the future" or because they're "not ready".

I have noticed we are taken more seriously as a couple, when I went to a&e when he was my boyfriend they were hesitant to let him into the cubicle but eventually did, saying "we allow that kind of thing these days", etc. I don't get anything like that now.

I think marriage has become a rather unfashionable option.

catkins

Pricivius wrote: »

For what it's worth, as a child of divorced parents who both then married other divorcees, I'm afraid I don't buy the marriage=commitment approach.

Angry_Bear wrote: »

I agree about the wedding thing. I've just never got the value of a marriage - my mum's been divorced twice, as has my dad. They both now live with their current partners - relationships that have lasted about as long as either marriage!

Do you think your parents’ experience of marriage has affected your view of marriage? I can see why it would. My parents have been happily married for over 60 years and, in fact, there is very little divorce in my family – all my aunts and uncles only married the once – a little more divorce in OH’s family but still not a lot.


I am sure seeing my parents have such a happy and successful marriage helped shape my view and strong belief in marriage. My siblings too are happily married and both have been married for over 30 years

his_missus

My husband wanted to get married because he saw it as the norm - people who plan to spend their lives together get married.

I agreed because I planned to spend my life with him anyway, so why not?

My wedding day was one of the few days I've seen him suited up and he looks goooood in a suit

It was also a good reason for a big knees up and people's generosity bought us a new kitchen

Angry_Bear

catkins wrote: »

Do you think your parents’ experience of marriage has affected your view of marriage?

Undoubtedly. My OH's parents were married for about 60 years until my FIL passed away - but they were pretty miserable (FIL was abusive) and I've no doubt that has affected my OHs view of marriage too.

That being said, there are relationships that work and ones that don't and I don't believe marriage is a magic wand that would change that either way.