Why do people choose to get married?

Bangton

sulphate wrote: »

I agree - I've had comments thrown at me "marriage is just a piece of paper" and the week after I got back from my honeymoon, a colleague told me she wasn't stupid enough to get married. :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

However I've never judged anyone else for not marrying. If a couple doesn't want to get married, what's it got to do with me? Nothing. I expect that they've had a lot of flack from married couples for it, so automatically assume everyone who is married thinks other people should be too.

If a couple is unmarried, I always found it very odd that a child is expected to receive the man's surname even though the mother did most of the work in pregnancy and childbirth!

I might have considered keeping my surname if I actually liked it, but I felt no attachment to it whatsoever and didn't feel sad when I changed it. I prefer my surname now. Although it's ironic that women who keep their maiden name hold onto their father's name (most often!) instead of changing to their husband's name.

Also, whilst your name doesn't automatically change when you marry, you don't need to change it by deed poll, unlike what has been suggested above. If you want to change it, you write to the relevant people, if you don't want to change it, you don't need to do anything.

I did most of the work in pregnancy/childbirth but that's not my OH's fault. He is an awesome dad who dotes on his little boy. Why shouldn't he share the same surname just because he did less work in actually having our baby?

Georgiegirl256

Tropez wrote: »

They're not wrong though, they just have a different opinion to you. Because people do not get married does not mean that they have not made a commitment to each other and will not be together in the long-term; that's as absurd to me as suggesting that because a man refuses to wear a chastity cage he's going to put it about whenever he can.

And "formalise" things through marriage? That's not a particularly romantic notion is it. I formalise the purchase of a car, not an emotional relationship.

I'm married and the truth is nothing's changed. I feel no less committed than I was before we married and no more committed. Our day to day lives remain pretty much the same.

Exactly. :beer: The love I have for my husband now is the same as I had for him before we got married. Like you say, our day to day lives remain pretty much the same.

Re speedybrains comment about sharloid being wrong, well that's just rude IMO. Everyone should be able to make their own choices, just because they don't match up with yours, doesn't mean they are wrong, and those choices should be respected. As I've mentioned before, my Aunty & Uncle were together for over 30 years. She wouldn't have loved him anymore nor he she if they had got married.

Torry_Quine

Tropez wrote: »

I'm married and the truth is nothing's changed. I feel no less committed than I was before we married and no more committed. Our day to day lives remain pretty much the same.

It was different for me though as we hadn't lived together before we married so live changed completely when we married in ways which we couldn't have imagined.

Sky_

Torry_Quine wrote: »

It was different for me though as we hadn't lived together before we married so live changed completely when we married in ways which we couldn't have imagined.

Same here, for DH and I, life after marriage felt like an exciting journey.

I'm sure not many people feel like this, but living together just wasn't for me. I still couldn't imagine co-habiting with anyone I wasn't married to, but I have no issue with anyone else doing so.

I think one of the great joys of life is that we're all different and have different attitudes, ideas and values. It's a shame our differences aren't celebrated more, but actually tend to be a cause of b**ching and criticism.

seven-day-weekend

Sky_ wrote: »

Same here, for DH and I, life after marriage felt like an exciting journey.

I'm sure not many people feel like this, but living together just wasn't for me. I still couldn't imagine co-habiting with anyone I wasn't married to, but I have no issue with anyone else doing so.

I think one of the great joys of life is that we're all different and have different attitudes, ideas and values. It's a shame our differences aren't celebrated more, but actually tend to be a cause of b**ching and criticism.

I couldn't have cohabited either, it would (to me) be like having a Friend With Benefits or sleeping with a flatmate. Nothing special.

However my son and his girlfriend have lived together for over eight years and have no plans to marry. I am fine with this, but don't know how to refer to her to other people who don't know her. ' Girlfriend' sounds too casual, 'partner' sounds like a business transaction, she is not his fiancee as they are not engaged and she is not my daughter-in-law as they are not married.

Any suggestions?

Gloomendoom

Life changed when I got married and my wife moved in.

I've probably only cooked two meals since.

juliethemuse

I got married to get away from my mother. we got married early 80s when living together was a sin. I would just agree to anything to get away from her.

thorsoak

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I couldn't have cohabited either, it would (to me) be like having a Friend With Benefits or sleeping with a flatmate. Nothing special.

However my son and his girlfriend have lived together for over eight years and have no plans to marry. I am fine with this, but don't know how to refer to her to other people who don't know her. ' Girlfriend' sounds too casual, 'partner' sounds like a business transaction, she is not his fiancee as they are not engaged and she is not my daughter-in-law as they are not married.

Any suggestions?

As No 3 son is not yet married, his partner is not yet my daughter in law, so I refer to her as my "daughter outlaw" ...her parents refer to my son as "son outlaw" -with affection on all sides.

Billie-S

sulphate wrote: »

I agree - I've had comments thrown at me "marriage is just a piece of paper" and the week after I got back from my honeymoon, a colleague told me she wasn't stupid enough to get married. :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

If a couple is unmarried, I always found it very odd that a child is expected to receive the man's surname even though the mother did most of the work in pregnancy and childbirth!

Also, whilst your name doesn't automatically change when you marry, you don't need to change it by deed poll, unlike what has been suggested above. If you want to change it, you write to the relevant people, if you don't want to change it, you don't need to do anything.

I also had some pretty nasty comments aimed at me when I got married in the 1990s, from single women 5-10 years older and divorced women a generation older. I figured after some time (for various reasons,) that it was pure jealousy. I am not saying that all women who are single or divorced are jealous of course, but I do strongly believe that many of the ones who are continually spiteful are.

I do hear many more unmarried women having a go about married people than I hear married women having a go at unmarried people. I know a woman near me who was quite catty when I first moved here, and came out with that old chestnut 'it's only a piece of paper,' and I took little notice and said with a smile 'whatever works for you.'

Some time later (about 5 months,) she actually became quite friendly with me, and admitted that although she and her 'partner' have been together 19 years, he flat out will not get married. She wants to, and would give anything to be married. She goes to Church and tells people there that she is married, because she is too embarrassed to admit she isn't! Weird!

And I also find it strange that a child of a couple who are unmarried always seems to take the man's name. As someone suggested, maybe it is 'just in case.'

Anatidaephobia wrote: »

I think people have a tendency to criticise those who are different to themselves. Sometimes both married and unmarried people think they are superior to others and feel the need to make sure everyone knows about it. Recently there was a thread about people who move away from their hometown and then become superior to the people who stay behind, so it applies to pretty much anything, not just marriage.

I agree with this. I think that if being unmarried long-term suits a couple, then that is great, and everyone else should keep out their sticky beaks. But I do believe that in the case where someone is very spiteful about marriage, they want to get married deep down. (There are the odd few who are so sick of being attacked for their choice to not get married, that they are instantly defensive, but mostly, I believe the catty ones are jealous.)

I know also of a number of people who have moved away (usually overseas,) and they think that the people left behind are so jealous... I could not be less jealous as I would never want to leave the UK. This one woman I know was banging on about how amazing Australia is (she moved there in 2011 and came back to visit in March for 2 months,) and how she hated it so much here now. My friend got so narked with her, that she said 'I love my extended family and parents and brother too much to leave for a place so far away. I like to see them weekly, and so living in Oz would not be for me.' Ouch burn.

I would be interested to see that thread about people thinking they are superior now they moved away. I moved out of a noisy and busy town centre into a much quieter suburb in another town, and I must admit, I do prefer it out here, and me and my husband are so glad we left the over-populated crime ridden town we were in, but I don't think I'm superior to the people still there. I'm just glad I no longer live there, as the semi-rural setting I am in now, is where I have always dreamed of living, and I feel blessed every day to live here. Me and my husband and wonder why we didn't move here years ago!

Oh re the OP, I married my husband because I firmly believe in marriage, and didn't want to be calling DH my boyfriend when we were in our 50s or older. Also I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and that he was the love of my life. So why wouldn't I marry him?

tillyenna

Simplified:

Some people get married because they want to

Some people don't get married because they don't want to.

It's no biggie.