Why do people choose to get married?

seven-day-weekend

We got married over forty years ago because we loved each other, wanted to spend our lives together, wanted to make a public commitment and wanted a legal commitment too. Co-habiting would have been second best and not demonstrated (in our view) the level of commitment we wanted to show.

We did not intend to have any children and in fact did not change our minds until years later, we'd been married nearly ten years when our son was born.

We're still happily together.

CH27

Bangton wrote: »

Well this is basically me so I feel obliged to reply.

I met my partner 13 years ago when I was just 18. From that day forward we've loved and trusted each other implicitly. We've had some carp times but heck we've had a relationship I honestly feel proud of. He's my best friend and the only person I can ever see myself been with.

everyday he tells me he loves me and I trust this. I don't believe he wants to be with anyone else either. I also believe I am his best friend (something he has verified).

last year we had a baby son together. An amazing little boy who has brought even more light to our life. We argue like cat and dog sometimes. In fact no one annoys me more than he can!

We aren't married and have no plans to be anytime soon. my honest answer? It really doesn't matter to me. I'm secure/I'm happy. I just don't feel I need to make 'public declarations'. I don't care about being Mrs or calling myself a wife. controversially I'm ok with my son having a different surname to me too. He's still mine! !

I'm not against marriage. If it meant everything to my partner I'd definitely consider it.

TBH I've never dreamed of being married or even really thought about it. It's simply important to me to be happy in life and I am.

plus, when all is said and done, I know my partner could have walked at any point but he didn't... and it's not because of a 'piece of paper'

bossymoo wrote: »

That's not why we got married either. But they sure made things a lot easier when he died, leaving me with two kiddies under the age of 3. Even though we had wills, the government would not have recognised me as his next of kin and I would not be able to get widowed parents allowance from his NI contributions. That money pays for childcare enabling me to hold down the job I've worked so hard at all these years. That marriage certificate made the whole paperwork thing so much easier at such a distressing time.
X

But that public declaration can save so many problems as boosymoo's post indicates.

bugslet

itsanne wrote: »

Perhaps it's the unfortunate wording of the original question which has set the tone, but I don't understand why people on both sides appear to be so defensive / judgemental. There are good and bad marriages, just as there are good and bad unmarried relationships.

The only one which really matters to me is my own.

jaylee3 wrote: »

Brilliant post! :T

Same with the childfree and people who are parents. Always b1tching at each other and everyone always think they're the ones in the right. :rotfl:

You hit the nail on the head. There is no right or wrong.

Both of those. Really does it matter. I was with my OH for 29 years and never married, just because I didn't want to.

Oddly, he did and I say oddly because he was married twice before. Some marriages stay the course, some don't. Some unmarried couples stay the course, some don't.

I do dislike people saying that they are more committed to another if they get married over those that don't. I'm sure the first two marriages of Mr Bugs were done for all the right reasons, but since they both failed, then I can't think of them as more committed than anything we shared up till the point he died.

Sky_ wrote: »

I don't mind if other people marry or don't, as long as they take responsibility for their choices: accept that divorce is more complex than separating when unmarried / understand that your legal rights are different if you're unmarried vs married, and so on.

I wish more unmarried people would realise that Sky and take your advice! It's easy enough to sort things out beforehand, but it takes the will to do it and you have to accept that it can be more complicated for unmarried couples. I was happy with the trade off and have never wanted the law to afford unmarried couples the same rights as married.

Really it doesn't matter if you get married or don't, as long as you do your best for each other.

Mervyn_King

Why do people get married: Disclaimer - I do NOT like the comedian Jim Davidson. However, he did say one thing that I thought was mildly amusing: When asked why he'd been married so many times he replied "Well, it's always a good day out"

seven-day-weekend

jaylee3 wrote: »

I have not said that your daughters are any less your daughters because they do not have your name. I am merely asking why, when a woman has a baby to a man she is not married to, why she always gives the child the man's name.

Seems every woman I know who has had a child (or children) in a relationship where she is not married to the man, she has always given the children the man's name. Why? Just in case? Just in case they decide to get married eventually??? If you are so determined you will never marry, why do the children always have the man's name?

And I am certainly not suggesting you are 'less of a family.' Maybe that is how you feel? Because I never said it OR suggested it. You seem to be projecting a bit tbh, and you seem very defensive.

My next-door neighbours are married. The wife kept her maiden name and their daughters have her name too.

Sky_

It's interesting that a divorce is often seen as a failure, by both the couple and society, whilst when an unmarried, co-habiting, couple separate, they've just 'separated' or 'split up'.

It doesn't really make sense that a lot of stigma is attached to one situation but not to the other one. Maybe it's to pressure people try harder to stay together when they've signed that piece of paper and/or had the big wedding?

PlymouthMaid

Nope not remotely defensive just stating how it is in response to this line: 'I'm interested to know something. You say your son is yours, but why has your son not got your surname?'... which I read as a challenge to a Mother who gave their child the Father's name. I think very often the father does care more about the name than the mother and hence gets his name. I suppose also maternal parentship is not going to be in question ever really but having the father's name makes that connection for the child a little stronger, maybe, just thinking about it really as I never have given it a thought before.

tillyenna

PenguinJim wrote: »

I'd also like to bring up the relatively untraditional method of name splicing, as I love the real-world example of Mr Pugh and Miss Griffin marrying and becoming the Puffins. (Sadly not for me, as we'd end up as Mr and Mrs Bung)

THIS IS AWESOME... I'm going to suggest this! And why? BECAUSE I WOULD BECOME MRS RAGE!


Heh. Mrs Rage.

janninew

PenguinJim wrote: »

I've seen a couple of people here say that one reason they got married was to have the same surname. It's worth pointing out that marriage doesn't automagically change your name - you still have to change your name by deed poll, which you can do whether you marry or not.

Is that sentence true as I don't recall having to change me name by deed poll, I'm sure when I started to let various people know I just had to show my marriage certificate.

Marriage is important to, romance aside, after children marriage is a good idea if god forbid one of you dies. Unmarried's are not taken care of the same way.

sulphate

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I thought it was the other way round. I agree with your sentiment though... live and let live.

I agree - I've had comments thrown at me "marriage is just a piece of paper" and the week after I got back from my honeymoon, a colleague told me she wasn't stupid enough to get married. :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

However I've never judged anyone else for not marrying. If a couple doesn't want to get married, what's it got to do with me? Nothing. I expect that they've had a lot of flack from married couples for it, so automatically assume everyone who is married thinks other people should be too.

If a couple is unmarried, I always found it very odd that a child is expected to receive the man's surname even though the mother did most of the work in pregnancy and childbirth!

I might have considered keeping my surname if I actually liked it, but I felt no attachment to it whatsoever and didn't feel sad when I changed it. I prefer my surname now. Although it's ironic that women who keep their maiden name hold onto their father's name (most often!) instead of changing to their husband's name.

Also, whilst your name doesn't automatically change when you marry, you don't need to change it by deed poll, unlike what has been suggested above. If you want to change it, you write to the relevant people, if you don't want to change it, you don't need to do anything.