Acceptable or not?

Tropez

Yes, name-calling is acceptable. My wife and I have a few little names we call each other but they're playful and quite clearly not intended to hurt.

Verbal abuse, which is what you're experiencing, is not acceptable.

The word c*nt is quite a good word really as it generally aptly describes the person saying it.

I have no experiences of this type of behaviour but I know that I wouldn't tolerate it. Contact Woman's Aid (hopefully someone has already provided you the number) or look into finding some safe accommodation for the time being while you get a break from the abuse, time to think and plan for the future.

The longer this goes on at home, the more difficult it will be to get out while you still have your mind in working order. There's no excuse for what he's doing, ADHD certainly isn't one.

Peater

One thing i noticed that seems to have slipped through the net here is that he was getting ready to go on holiday, presumably NOT with you.

Now, I'm an advocate of separate holidays(not everyone can hack laying on a beach for days...... ergh), but that coupled with the name calling and seeming general resentment would lead me to think you both need to take stock and ask some very searching questions of your relationship.

If it's not working, don't keep flogging the horse because of fear of 'divorce-shame'. If he's anything like me, once he's got to this point of loathing and intolerance, there's no going back.

Edwardia

My husband used to rant all the time and I felt like I could do nothing right. Everything seemed to be my fault, no matter how small.

Then when he changed jobs last year, he got home earlier. So we started sitting down for half an hour talking about our respective days with a mug of tea and scented candle.

Instead of bottling up work stuff, he could talk to me about it and he doesn't rant anymore.

He didn't call me a c*nt but he did get hurtful and I was supposed to mind read and know that actually it was about work rather than garbage bins. Not all men are good at talking about their feelings and stress.

TBagpuss

no-e but you can decide for you whether he situation is bad enought to be thinking of separation.

What I would suggest, however, is that you try to discuss the situation with your husband - not right now, when you are (understandably and legitimately) upset and he is in a bad temper, but in the near future.

Sit him down and explain that you feel there have been some problems a which you feel the two of you need to address. You can then explain how you feel, and the impact his behaviour has on you.

Try to express it as "I" statements rather than "you" statements ("I feel x when you y" rather than "you always do y" It can also be helpful sometimes to separate out the person from the behaviour - so "It upsets me when you do [xxx]" rather than "You're really unreasonable, you always do [xxx]"

Eplain how you would like things to change - ask him for his input - are there issues which are causing him stress? Are there things which he feels are contributing to problems between you? Would he be willing to see RElate or a similar organisation to try to discuss the issues in the relation and to work to improve things for both of you?

If he won't discuss it, or won't consider going to Relate, you may still find it useful to contact them - they can see you independently and you may find it helpful to talk to someone who might be able to make suggestions to improve communication, and also to help you look at the current situation and to decide what to do in the future, if your husband is either unable, or unwilling to change how he behaves.

marisco_2

sillyme673 wrote: »

Unacceptable, full stop. I would be making plans to leave him or him to leave. Nobody should be spoken too like that. Take care.

I agree that no-one should be spoken to by their partner in the way the OP has been. Personally I wouldn't be packing any bags though, till I had taken the time and made the effort, to get to the root cause of what was behind this upset and discord.

Good communication is key to maintaining a happy and healthy relationship. If a couple don't apply this through any rough patches, then they risk throwing away something special between them. When just by being willing to work at it all and pull together they could get back on track in time.

The heartache of parting from someone you love is best avoided at all costs to my mind.

pearl123

sanctuary43 wrote: »

Is name calling ever acceptable within a marriage/partnership?

I don’t think it is. But would like others views. Apologies if this is rambling post, I am feeling very down.

Husband this morning, just before we were due to leave for work, called me a c*nt. No argument as such, he just got frustrated as the iron didn’t have any water in it, and because I didn’t respond quickly enough – he didn’t actually say it was the iron, just yelling ‘its run dry’ so apparently I should psychically know he was talking about the iron given I was downstairs – thought he would tell me not to bother as I was a c*nt, and he was doing it while I was “sitting on my bum downstairs”

A few days ago he got angry over nothing, and said I was old before my time.

I’ve been called a f*cking freak, a c*unt, and old and boring over the last few months. I have never once called him a name in all the 5 years I’ve known him.

I don’t like it, and have told him in no uncertain terms I find it offensive and didn’t wish it to hear it again. Yet again it happened today, over something quite trivial and not even within an argument as such.

But today, something seemed to snap inside of me. I walked away quietly, came to work and haven’t spoken a word to him since. I genuinely don’t want to go home.

Background, he has a touch of ADHD. And I understand from doing some online research, that he doesn’t see situations always the same way as I do, and will quite possibly still be angry with me. But of course, dare I use the term ADHD at all I will get my head bitten off as he doesn’t have it of course (I understand the docs said he had that as a child).

The anger can go from 0 to 10 very fast, so its not like I can avoid a trigger, although I do try!

Anyone experienced this with their partner, I would like to know how you handled it please.

Thanks for taking the time to listen.

From experience I think there could be trouble ahead for you. You state that his anger can erupt from 0 to 1O very quickly. Your are getting some verbal abuse. I wonder how long it will be before there is more abuse from him. Abusive relationships often develop over time.
Calling someone a !!!! over having no water in a iron is pretty shameful no matter how stressed he was.

littlegreenparrot

My DH has some mental health issues, and sometimes doesn't realise that something is a problem unless its pointed out.

I have found that being very clear and explicit helps him, otherwise he's so wrapped up in his own stuff he genuinely has no idea.

I would second the advice to have a chat in a few days when things have calmed down. Explain exactly how it makes you feel, don't tiptoe around it. I'd also be explaining that as a grown up person one's work clothes are ones own responsibility (but maybe that's just me)

Years ago now, before we were married I thought very carefully about leaving because I was ignored for months, and had no idea why. Afterwards it was explained that he was going through an episode of a mental illness he didn't even know he had. Since then I have made it very clear just how close I was to calling it quits - communication is now much better. Don't let ADHD be an excuse.

sanctuary43

Hello everyone, thought I would update you. I have been reading this thread over the last couple of days.

First of all thank you to everyone here to took the time to share their opinion, advice and your experiences. It was an eye opener for me, and am sorry some of you have experienced such awful things done and said to you :-(

Well, on the Tuesday morning in the car as we drove in, he parked in the car park and broke down saying he didn't know how much longer he could take me not speaking to him, as he missed me. I said that he had crossed boundaries and that we needed a heart to heart that evening.

So on Tuesday night we sat down for that chat. He is dreadfully sorry, and realised the impact of what he had done. I told him in no uncertain terms that I would never accept verbal abuse like that again - I never really saw it as verbal abuse until I read your comments, but it's true when its said in a vicious way, it is abuse.

He explained that he gets this kind of brain fog (if that's the right word) where he gets so stressed in his head that he cannot think clearly and said he couldn't even say the word "iron", like the word couldn't even register. He gets headaches that can last for a few days when he is like this. Does anyone with ADHD family members understand about this please?

We talked about ways of avoiding such situations, what I expected from him and what he felt was helpful from me.

It was a very positive discussion and I felt we had got somewhere on the understanding of each other.

What the future holds, I cannot say. But I love him very much and I don't feel it's time to walk away from the relationship, he deserves a chance to prove himself. But it was discussion that was perhaps long overdue, and I am feeling much happier :-)

SuzieSue

sanctuary43 wrote: »

Hello everyone, thought I would update you. I have been reading this thread over the last couple of days.

First of all thank you to everyone here to took the time to share their opinion, advice and your experiences. It was an eye opener for me, and am sorry some of you have experienced such awful things done and said to you :-(

Well, on the Tuesday morning in the car as we drove in, he parked in the car park and broke down saying he didn't know how much longer he could take me not speaking to him, as he missed me. I said that he had crossed boundaries and that we needed a heart to heart that evening.

So on Tuesday night we sat down for that chat. He is dreadfully sorry, and realised the impact of what he had done. I told him in no uncertain terms that I would never accept verbal abuse like that again - I never really saw it as verbal abuse until I read your comments, but it's true when its said in a vicious way, it is abuse.

He explained that he gets this kind of brain fog (if that's the right word) where he gets so stressed in his head that he cannot think clearly and said he couldn't even say the word "iron", like the word couldn't even register. He gets headaches that can last for a few days when he is like this. Does anyone with ADHD family members understand about this please?

We talked about ways of avoiding such situations, what I expected from him and what he felt was helpful from me.

It was a very positive discussion and I felt we had got somewhere on the understanding of each other.

What the future holds, I cannot say. But I love him very much and I don't feel it's time to walk away from the relationship, he deserves a chance to prove himself. But it was discussion that was perhaps long overdue, and I am feeling much happier :-)

That is all very positive. It is good that he realises that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Let's hope that he can control the "brain fog" so that he doesn't take it out on you.

I think you are right to give him a second chance and I hope things get at lot better from now on.

Spirit_2

sanctuary43 wrote: »

Is name calling ever acceptable within a marriage/partnership?


Thanks for taking the time to listen.

Names we call each other:

beloved, darling, dear heart, beautiful.....all most acceptable.

Can he change/retrain himself to using a term of endearment to you so that that is what is what springs to his mind.