Acceptable or not?

sanctuary43

Is name calling ever acceptable within a marriage/partnership?

I don’t think it is. But would like others views. Apologies if this is rambling post, I am feeling very down.

Husband this morning, just before we were due to leave for work, called me a c*nt. No argument as such, he just got frustrated as the iron didn’t have any water in it, and because I didn’t respond quickly enough – he didn’t actually say it was the iron, just yelling ‘its run dry’ so apparently I should psychically know he was talking about the iron given I was downstairs – thought he would tell me not to bother as I was a c*nt, and he was doing it while I was “sitting on my bum downstairs”

A few days ago he got angry over nothing, and said I was old before my time.

I’ve been called a f*cking freak, a c*unt, and old and boring over the last few months. I have never once called him a name in all the 5 years I’ve known him.

I don’t like it, and have told him in no uncertain terms I find it offensive and didn’t wish it to hear it again. Yet again it happened today, over something quite trivial and not even within an argument as such.

But today, something seemed to snap inside of me. I walked away quietly, came to work and haven’t spoken a word to him since. I genuinely don’t want to go home.

Background, he has a touch of ADHD. And I understand from doing some online research, that he doesn’t see situations always the same way as I do, and will quite possibly still be angry with me. But of course, dare I use the term ADHD at all I will get my head bitten off as he doesn’t have it of course (I understand the docs said he had that as a child).

The anger can go from 0 to 10 very fast, so its not like I can avoid a trigger, although I do try!

Anyone experienced this with their partner, I would like to know how you handled it please.

Thanks for taking the time to listen.

pimento

Sounds more like Tourettes than ADHD to me. (Said ironically before anyone points out the difference.)

I'd give up trying and bin him but that's just me.

aileth

Hmm, certainly not the C word!!!

I've been in the position plenty of times where, say, the PC has broken, or vacuum, I've been yelling for OH and he's been too enveloped in the TV or video game, I won't ever call him a name but say when really irritated, "For f*ck's sake, can I get a hand here?"

OH has called me a b*tch once, but I really, really was being a complete b*tch.

Sounds like he has serious anger issues and swearing at you is the least of your worries.

PasturesNew

I'd pack my bags. Stuff like this doesn't get better by itself.... you shoving off will either get you out of what'd turn out to be a bad 5-10 years, or it'd make him realise he's an !!! and get 'proper help'.

ADHD is not an excuse for rudeness.... it doesn't sound like he's ever said sorry after calling you other names, so he doesn't care he's an !!!.....

whodathunkit

I'd be more worried about the fact that he expected me to refill the iron for him than what he called me.

Morglin

My ex and I spent years hurling abuse at each other, as did my DH and his ex....:(

We started our marriage, agreeing that we would never insult each other, never call each other vile names, and discuss any problems, which we always have.

Even if we are pi**ed off at each other, we talk in terms of general courtesy and mutual respect, in the knowledge they once something is said, it can never be unsaid.

Personally, any man that called me a c**t would be wearing his nuts as earrings shortly afterwards.....it is a vile thing to call anyone...:mad:

ADHD is a moot subject, as many experts are saying it doesn't even exist, but, either way, it is no excuse for such appalling behaviour.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2664374/Doctors-say-parents-schools-pushing-label-children-just-shy-bookish-mentally-ill.html?ITO=1490&ns_mchannel=rss&ns_campaign=1490

Lin

BitterAndTwisted

Is the anger related to having ADHD? I wasn't aware of that.

Honestly, he just sounds like a common or garden a-hole to me.

The first time some man called me a c*nt would be the last time. He's not entitled to call anyone names like that, whether he's got ADHD, bubonic plague or anything else.

Tiptoeing around to not cause Mount Vesuvius to erupt is a very bad sign and can be a symptom of controlling behaviour. Why the eff should you tiptoe around him? He and his needs are not more important than yours.

Transformers

Wow, you started off by asking "is name calling ever acceptable within a marriage/partnership?"

Then you go on to show the words like c**t and that is NOT just name calling. That's verbal abuse!

No man I lived with would get a second chance to call me such things that's for sure.

A touch of ADHD. Are you kidding? If he can hold it together enough not to say the same thing to his mum, sister, boss or whoever then he can prevent his outbursts with you as well.

That behaviour is not just name calling.

And while we're at it, why do you need to fill the iron?

onlyroz

I don't think it's ever acceptable to direct a swear-word at a person. For example saying "I fcuking hate this" is a mile away from saying "Fcuk you", or calling your computer a "c*nt" when it's just blown up on you is a long shot from calling your wife one because you're p*ssed off with her. I wouldn't put up with it.

Person_one

What you are describing is abuse, this is from the Women's Aid website"

"Most domestic violence includes emotional abuse, which can include such tactics such as:

• destructive criticism, name calling, sulking
• pressure tactics
• lying to you, or to your friends and family about you
• persistently putting you down in front of other people
• never listening or responding when you talk
• isolating you from friends and family, monitoring your phone calls, emails, texts and letters
• checking up on you, following you, not letting you go out alone.

The impact of emotional abuse may be even more devastating than physical assault - and have much longer term effects - yet most of the above behaviours are not crimes, and it's therefore much more difficult to obtain protection, or even to get others to take them seriously."

Give them a call and get some advice, the hotline number is 0808 2000 247

jenhug

Its NEVER ok to use language like that about someone you love.