Acceptable or not?

BigAunty

I find it a bit sad that he didn't previously take responsibility for his earlier verbal abuse and tried to be disingenuous about the context for the swear-word. It's a bad sign when contrition isn't accompanied with accepting responsibility but pointing the blame elsewhere. Also, when a promise is made to change and no change then takes place.

He should treat you with courtesy and respect at all time.

When I get frustrated with housework issues, I'm likely to swear under my breath at myself or the object rather than deflect it onto someone else.

When did it become your responsibility to keep the iron filled with water in case he has a shirt to iron at short notice? (i.e. his failure becomes your emergency).

Take a long, deep look at your relationship both the past and from now onwards, starting with the fresh eyes and ears. Check if there is any other signs of disrespect, abuse of power, inequality or negative pressures. Consider if there are moments where you identify that you change your actions, decisions. or words (effectively self censure) to not 'annoy' him or automatically prioritise his.

See if you can identify if there has been a steady creeping in of negative behaviour from him that has been gradually amplifying.

Do not make excuses for it - there is none, it is his decision to swear when other behaviour and words are available.

No-one on this forum can tell if your relationship is doomed or if you are hurtling towards being a victim of domestic abuse. However, if you cast a critical eye to see if these recent events are an aberration or are just part of a pattern of negative behaviour that has been ramping up.

The reason I say this is that studies of domestic abuse victims show that the ugly side of the abuser doesn't tend to kick in until the relationship has matured - there is a kind of grooming upfront, charming the partner and then they can start to (sometimes slowly) show who they truly are once their partner has fallen in love with them and depends on them. The inequalities in power, the rights and privileges they believe they are due and are owed by their partner whose role is to serve them and stroke their ego, aren't on display at the beginning of the relationship.

marisco_2

sanctuary43 wrote: »

I’m sitting in another room, can’t bear to be around him at the moment. I would like him to say sorry but I want a proper conversation about how things need to be fixed, or I call time on the marriage. Something I actually don’t want to do as a) I love him, b) it’s my 2nd marriage and don’t want this one to fail and c) I don’t know if I have the strength to go through another divorce …

I get the impression that you think there is definitely something there still worth fighting for. Don't call time on your marriage until you are absolutely sure that things cannot be worked through with your husband.

As you know already divorcing someone you love causes awful pain. Could contacting Relate and seeking counselling, give you both the opportunity to open up to each other calmly and constructively?

SuzieSue

sanctuary43 wrote: »

What is so hurtful is the fact he KNOWS I find it offensive, he KNOWS I have told him I never want to be called any name. So why does he do it?

I think that this is the most important point. Does he not care about your feelings and if so, does he not care about you?

One of my exes was very moody and I felt like I was tiptoeing around him all the time. I am so pleased that I am no longer with him because it is no way to live.

I know how difficult it is to consider leaving him, but if he can't change then you will really have no option.

My husband is not moody at all and although we have arguments, we try to talk things through rather than shout at each other and if we do shout at each other, we are never abusive.

belfastgirl23

The issue isn't whether it's unacceptable per se, it's whether you find it unacceptable. There are things that I might find unacceptable that you might be perfectly fine with and vice versa. The issue is that he has crossed a line that you have clearly demarcated as a no go.

I think the suggestions re women's aid etc are coming from people who are well meaning but have had possibly very bad experiences in the past. Honestly in any relationship there are times when one or other partner tries to push the boundaries. I know I have been the butt of my husband's anger at times when I have not deserved it and vice versa. I wouldn't read too much into this per se.

But you still have to deal with the fact that he has crossed a line that is unacceptable to you. The big question is what are you going to do about it.

sanctuary43

Good advice from everyone, I am doing lots of thinking tonight. It's gradual but recently there has been an arrogance that I am not liking.

In the spare bedroom tonight, and determined to get a good nights sleep!

thanks

Morglin

This thread bought back some painful memories for me....:eek:

I don't think it is so much what is said, although I still wouldn't let a man call me a c***, but how it is said, and in what context.

Briefly, before disability I was independent, had a good career, and so though ex and I were ill suited and would have ferocious arguments, with conflicting working hours, and the fact that we could both hold our own, the marriage, dismal as it was, trundled on. A lot of the time we jogged on, without conflict.

However, about 20 years into the marriage, I had a major health catastrophe, which was life changing.

The diagnosis was appalling, and the prognosis, about the future, was even worse.....:eek:

Some of it hasn't happened as the medics said, but at the point I was diagnosed, I was shell shocked, angry, depressed, numb - you name it, I had the emotion!

At the time, I was also pretty much incapable of doing anything for myself, do the house was having to be adapted etc., and carers sorted ...well, on it goes.

So, to cut a long story short, and I do admit I wasn't easy to live with, at the time, ex wandered home from work one day, and out of the blue said: "Well, this is f******g handy, I didn't sign up to spend my life with a f*****g useless cripple.......:eek:

I looked at him, in amazement that he could be that cruel, saw the total hatred and resentment there, felt my own revulsion, and the marriage died, for me, in that minute, and I spent the next 10 years working out how to get away, and build a new life for myself..

Which I did and have!:T

So, think on, something said can never be taken back..

Lin

jaylee3

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Is the anger related to having ADHD? I wasn't aware of that.

Honestly, he just sounds like a common or garden a-hole to me.

The first time some man called me a c*nt would be the last time. He's not entitled to call anyone names like that, whether he's got ADHD, bubonic plague or anything else.

Tiptoeing around to not cause Mount Vesuvius to erupt is a very bad sign and can be a symptom of controlling behaviour. Why the eff should you tiptoe around him? He and his needs are not more important than yours.

Don't need to say anything. B & T put it more eloquently that I 'ever' could. ^^^ No wonder her post got nearly 30 likes already! :T

GET OUT of that relationship, OR make him get help for his vile behaviour and anger issues.

sparrer

More years ago than I care to remember I was in a very similar situation. It's painful to bring it back but feel I must as your post was so 'me'.

My ex was fine before we married, then very gradually undermined my confidence with name calling, putting me down, disagreeing with anything I said. Slowly this was added to by what I thought then were minor things, but eventually turned into physical abuse. I know you haven't reached that stage - yet. I didn't dream it would happen to me. There was the very occasional apology, excuses, one he made often was that he'd been adopted and it spoiled his life. Not true, his mother was a good woman who tried her best to raise him to be a very respectful person. Not every adopted person, or in your husband's case, everyone who has been diagnosed ADHD acts like that so why should you put up with it?

The crux came when my little girl asked why daddies are allowed to hurt mummies. No way was she going to grow up thinking it was normal, so I phone Women's Aid and they paid for a taxi for me and my two daughters. It was the best journey I've ever made.

You say you a) that love him but how long before his behaviour kills the last of your love? b) you don't want a second failed marriage - if anyone has failed at your marriage it is most definitely not you and c) you don't know if you have the strength to go through another divorce. Do you have the strength to stay in a marriage where your partner makes you so unhappy that you have to come to a forum for sensible opinions, calls you vile, abusive names, is constantly demanding of you to do the most menial tasks, and in which you have to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life?

Whatever you decide to do I wish you luck and happiness, you DO deserve it.

view

No, never acceptable.

166million

You already know it is unacceptable -This is what you wrote.

"I don’t like it, and have told him in no uncertain terms I find it offensive and didn’t wish it to hear it again."

In my opinion he is unlikely to change. You have to decide what you are prepared to tolerate in your life and how you want to proceed.