I've never had a problem with my MIL but...

Person_one

The 'properly married' comment is very hurtful, but trying to give her the benefit of the doubt it may have just been a very poor choice of wording!

I'm sure she was upset that she couldn't see her son get married due to the circumstances and the timing. If you'd got married without the time pressure would you have invited her? Maybe she's been assuming all this time that at some point you'd have a renewal/blessing/party and is surprised to find that's never been the plan?

I'd only say something if it comes up again.

sulphate

Yes, she's being unreasonable. She sounds like a bit of a snob. My MIL is the same, but never said anything about our wedding cos I guess it was up to her standards. We bought our first home last year, a small 2 bed, it's not huge but we were 25 and 28 at the time so I thought we did well to buy a house at our age. MIL expects us to have a really big, expensive house and says things like "your house might look nice if you did it up" and "you need to keep moving up the property ladder, don't get stuck in the same place, you should buy houses and do them up". She wants her son to have a fancy job and earn lots of money, any job opportunity he looks at she shoots down saying the wage is crap etc.

I've started just saying bluntly "we can't afford to do that" whenever she makes comments about our house and I suggest you do the same if she brings up the wedding thing again, she probably thinks you have more money than you actually do.

Peter999_2

MILs can be great can't they.

My wife and I got married in Las Vegas, just the two of us.
Neither of us liked the idea of a big fuss and being centre of attention.

My MIL said the same thing to us - my reply was "I totally agree, it wasn't a proper wedding in most peoples expectation of a wedding - however it wasn't most people getting married it was me and Victoria and it was a proper wedding to us"

A few years later I did realise that my mum and dad would never see either of their children getting married (brother got wed in Vegas as well a couple of years later - copycat). They never said anything but I could sense that my mum was a bit disappointed.

For our tenth wedding anniversary we had a renewal in a church in Gretna Green (scottish piper playing and everything). Only my parents and very close family came and we all had a great time. This was way after we'd bought our own house and were financially settled - I certainly wouldn't have spent so much money if I was saving for a house, that is far more important.

justme111

You having a problem with your mil due to a comment like this ?! Wow
How about instead if getting uptight and confrontational.about it if you would smile and say "yeah I know you would like a celebration for.you.son's wedding, we have lots of practical issues to tend to though and those take priority , may be once we are more settled we shall do something, sorry ot turned out this way "

justme111

Mind , if I had one baby , one toddler in addition to older children I might be having problems with everybody no matter what they say as my fuse would been a fraction of second long

sulphate

justme111 wrote: »

You having a problem with your mil due to a comment like this ?! Wow
How about instead if getting uptight and confrontational.about it if you would smile and say "yeah I know you would like a celebration for.you.son's wedding, we have lots of practical issues to tend to though and those take priority , may be once we are more settled we shall do something, sorry ot turned out this way "

Posting a thread asking if she's overreacting by being upset about this is hardly "getting uptight and confrontational" - quite the opposite.

System

how blasted rude of her.

BigAunty

If its any consolation, my mother wanted me to scale down my wedding as I've invited a lot of my father's relatives (he is from a very large family so merely by extending the same courtesy to his siblings as I did to hers, it put her nose out of joint).

I just ploughed on with my preferences - it was my day, not hers. She also returned the cheque I sent to pay for her outfit, ostensibly on the grounds that she had vouchers from christmas gifts she was going to use and for us to save money, but probably to make a point that we were being too 'showy'.

So for every mother or mother in law desiring a big party, there's another one whingeing about the waste and expense.

Not long after my marriage, a close friend who came to my event told me she couldn't see the point of marriage 'as it's just a piece of paper' so I politely told her what mine meant to me - legal rights, a public commitment in front of friends and family, an intention to grow old together, etc.

It's really up to the recipient of the 'insult' to be as non-judgemental and unprovoked as possible. It's not possible to change what is uttered out of their sour mouths but up to us how to we react - it's more controllable than you think as long as you make an effort to keep in check automatic and knee-jerk reactions to comments.

Grumpygit

So why don't you just tell her that?

Explain that you have other priorities ie a house and that and your children have to come first.

Although you could be cheeky and call her bluff by saying (if mentioned again) are you offering to pay for it then?? If so, then yes please!

I would also tell your hubby what is said on both sides - it's not to upset him but to let him know what's been said in case it blows up on either side

Oh and you are properly married - you did what you wanted to do, ok out of necessity more than anything but hey - a piece of paper and a ring are the same no matter whether it was done be it in front of two strangers or in front of 200 people!

duchy

Oh a house is more important than a party ..........and smile and change the subject -congratulating yourselves that you have your priorities right even if she doesn't.