Is it ok for a dad not to be sat at top table?(wedding related)

FBaby

.My partner said so long as we,re both sat together then he,ll be fine.

Just picked up on this, could it be that your partner made a point that he expected you on the top table too and that's where the issue is? If that is the case, it would seem a bit silly if you say you wouldn't mind sitting elsewhere, but just want him there.

If that's not the issue, then it doesn't make much sense if he has such a good relationship why the mum and partner would be there, but not your partner, especially if there are no issues between them.

It's fine that he is prepared to go along with what they decide, and good on him to take that approach, but I still think he could ask for the reason without making upsetting everyone.

Person_one

I've seen it quite a bit, although usually where the dad isn't as close and the stepdad has done more of the 'bringing up' of the person getting married. How old is your stepson? How old was he when mum's new partner moved in? Has he had any 'dad' role at all?

That said, I expect its been done in order to keep couples together, some people might not like the idea of putting a separated mum and dad together as though they were still married and excluding their new partners. Ideally all four would then be at the top table but that's not always practical. Its not as though the father of the groom makes a speech anyway, so his absence won't be too glaring or make a bold statement.

Step families can be a minefield, especially when they all have to come together at events like weddings, so I say try to give them the benefit of the doubt that their intentions are good, and enjoy the party!

duchy

Maybe they assumed that you and he would prefer to sit together especially if you live away or don't know many of the other guests........or are the sort of couple who wouldn't like to be separated as you do everything together...... Not saying you are just that may be they see you two that way ?

GobbledyGook

It sounds like the son/DIL has either assumed or heard that he doesn't mind where he sits as long as it's with you.

Personally if I was having step-dad on the top table I'd have step-mum too, but I suppose you could end up with a long table!

lilmissreading

We got married in 2012. His parents are together, my dad is single and my mum was with long term partner (now married).

We openly discussed with all parties the why and what of seating. All were circular tables.

Our table: us, bridesmaid with partner, bridesmaid (single cousin) with my dad, best man and his partner. This meant all the speeches were on the same table and I could 'pair' up my dad and cousin.

His parents, their relatives and friends.

My mum, partner and half my family.

There was some surprise at first but we made this decision very early on and discussed with all so they were well aware of the plans and had time to get used to it. No-one mentioned they were upset to us and no-one goes on about it so I assume it was ok.

I didn't want a table of awkward 'spares' i.e. people' partners who wouldn't have much in common. I didn't want a massive table. My mum wanted to sit with her partner. I didn't want to sit near him. Solved.

sulphate

I think it is bad form, especially as they appear to have not discussed it with you and your partner. I can't imagine why they thought they wouldn't need to? Letting your partner find out from his ex wife isn't great either.

I don't really agree that it's their day so they should do whatever they want and everyone else should go along with it without question. I know that's not exactly what people are suggesting but when we got married we tried our best to make sure that everyone was catered for and happy, you cant please everyone but you should try, or discuss anything that you think might cause upset.

4 weeks to the wedding, I'm sure that it's not too late to alter the table plan. One of our guests found out a week before the wedding she could make it (previously she had RSVP'd with a no as she was abroad) and we/the venue managed to alter the plan, and no one knew any different.

meritaten

its very bad manners - if the table isn't big enough to accommodate ALL parents with partners then it should be the sons mum and dad.
This sort of thing does raise questions among guests - be prepared for some people to ask if there had been a falling out.
and I do think son may well be unaware of the seating arrangements. and its best to mention it now as it would definitely be inappropriate to leave it and son is sat there wondering why his dad is sitting at a different table!
oh and it isn't just for an hour - wedding reception meals can go on for three hours or more!!!!!! and lots of photos will be taken during the meal..................its going to look very odd.

mountainofdebt

Well my father wasn't sat the top table when my sister got married,and there was no father of the bride speech either.

Everyone knew the circumstances and if they didn't like the situation they either (or both)had the manners or sense not to voice ther opinon

meritaten

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Well my father wasn't sat the top table when my sister got married,and there was no father of the bride speech either.

Everyone knew the circumstances and if they didn't like the situation they either (or both)had the manners or sense not to voice ther opinon

fair enough - but it seems that the in the OPs case - the 'circumstances' are that Dad and son are close and there is no friction with the divorced parents.
Perhaps whoever did the seating plan thought there may be a problem? even so, its extremely bad etiquette. oops, shouldn't have said that - apparently 'manners' don't matter at weddings now. its all down to the bridezilla and her mama.
I was brought up in a bygone age when etiquette was merely a way of doing things in a certain way, which offended nobody, as everyone 'knew' the rules.

mountainofdebt

meritaten wrote: »

fair enough - but it seems that the in the OPs case - the 'circumstances' are that Dad and son are close and there is no friction with the divorced parents.
Perhaps whoever did the seating plan thought there may be a problem? even so, its extremely bad etiquette. oops, shouldn't have said that - apparently 'manners' don't matter at weddings now. its all down to the bridezilla and her mama.
I was brought up in a bygone age when etiquette was merely a way of doing things in a certain way, which offended nobody, as everyone 'knew' the rules.

I agree it does seem an odd situation especially as everyone seems to get on with each other.

I'm just wondering if its a case of whoever did the seating plan looked at the traditional way of doing it and decided OP and partner wouldn't mind sitting off top table.