How do you cope with a lazy Spouse/Partner?

Snuggles

When I met my DH I could see from the state of his place that tidiness was of no importance to him, and that hasn't changed.

However, if I just ask him to do something, he will do it, and apart from being untidy he is a wonderful husband. So I decided long ago that it really doesn't matter, and isn't worth getting stressed about. If I want him to do something, I just ask, and I don't get worked up about things not being put away etc, as even though it's what I'd prefer, it's not that important.

Mrs_pbradley936

This is simply about compatibility. If you were a slob as well you would not see a problem. Ditto if one of you spent every penny and more coming in and the other was sensible. Someone would call the sensible one tight, stingy or mean.


When you would both rather cuddle on the sofa and leave all the washing up for another day neither of you get upset.

Kate_fixing_it

A few years back I was sick of asking/nagging/begging/doing it myself. In particular it was picking up washing. I wrote a letter of resignation from the laundry fairy due to ill health (she explained she'd put her back out picking up his socks ). To this day when his clothes are left on the floor a quick reminder that the laundry fairy quit makes him laugh and the clothes get picked up. In our case humour reached places that nothing else could and I'd tried everything.

Currently our teens do the dishes to earn their pocket money but I can see the day where a dishes fairy will be writing a letter too once they've gone off to uni in a couple of years (smaller children are still too small for a full chores list) we already joke that DH believes he'll melt if he gets his hands wet he suggested getting a dishwasher a while ago and I quite literally laughed in his face.

My view is that there are 6 people in this house making the mess so 6 people should clean it up. Those 6 people are all at work or school all day so the chores need to be split fairly. Could you pitch this as I did to my kids? If it takes 6 people 30 minutes to clean properly, that's 3 hours. If I do it alone that's half a day and then I'd be too tired to do anything fun after.

Kate x

cakeforbrains

The only trouble with writing him a list of chores is that that then becomes a chore for you. You have to identify and note the jobs, and make sure he gets the list at an appropriate time. Some people would argue that that makes for a parent/child dynamic.

Somebody recommended withdrawing sex. What you're essentially saying there is that your body is a reward for good behaviour. Nobody should feel like they have to use their own body as a commodity like that. Sex should be for when you both want sex.

bargainbetty

freeman3030 wrote: »

As for shopping online, I used to but then I found myself in a rut of just ordering the same thing and having the same meals so I decided to back back a shop in store because I can get some inspiration of different meals.

I agree with you that it is easier to get inspiration in store than online. However, since he wants the 'football food', he can go online, book a delivery, sort out the shopping list, pay for it and be in to accept the delivery. Then tell him he has to put it all away as well. If he is going to expect you to cook for him, the least he can do is arrange the ingredients.

Primrose

This is an old marriage battleground. I am tempted, with tongue very much in cheek to offer two suggestions

1. Do absolutely nothing for a week except to feed yourself and stick up big notices around the house saying "nobody notices what I do until I stop doing it"

2. Ask your partner If he would be happier living by himself so that he can live in his own sweet in chaos and stop having anybody do anything for him.

If you think neither of these will work, you have to sit down and have a serious discussion and come to an agreement about who wil do what. And if he reneges on his part, ie not putting the bins out, don't step in and do the job. Leave them until the rubbish is overflowing and putting him to shame.

I suppose there isn't any chance that he is actually disorganised because he is somewhere on the autistic spectrum and his brain doesn't always actually function on the same wavelength as the rest of us?

I live with a very untidy partner but that is because he is always so busy with many projects on the go that he he moves from one to another without the time to clear up after himself. It drives me crackers because I'm a tidy person and can't function properly in chaotic conditions. But I could never claim he was lazy or didn't do his fair share of household chores, so if your OH is genuinely lazy perhaps you need to be more assertive abkut getting him to pull his weight and letting him know that when he does this the nagging will stop. He's an adult. He either acts like one or you treat him like a mother does her child and nag him. He has a choice! If he chooses to share a home with you he needs to respect the needs and feelings of those who share with him. If he chooses to live on his own in a pig sty, obviously he can do what he likes but he has chosen to share with you so you need to agree some common rules for domestic standards.

BigAunty

cakeforbrains wrote: »

Somebody recommended withdrawing sex. What you're essentially saying there is that your body is a reward for good behaviour. Nobody should feel like they have to use their own body as a commodity like that. Sex should be for when you both want sex.

That's a thoughtful take on it. Another perspective is that it provides another tool to make the partner re-evaluate about rights, entitlement, sharing, privileges, the inequalitities in the relationship.

He has a deep belief that he doesn't have to help around the house and finds it unpalatable that his missus has the temerity to expect this. What does this attitude also now extend to? What could it extend to in the future?

Currently, he has an embedded attitude that his wife performs all the household chores - he actively frustrates this by doing things so poorly in the hope that he's not asked again and he is, frankly, quite rude to her by dismissing her pleas for assistance as 'nagging'.

In many other posts, the forum members see it extend to the partner feeling entitled to spend a disproportionate amount of the household income on themselves, prioritising their social activities and interests over anything else, a campaign of disrespect, failure to be a hands on father, and so forth. This usually kicks in after the relationship is established, in steps.

It could be easily the case that the OPs husband is just a bit untidy, a little bit of taking her for granted, but it could also be the case that their relationship is on the slippery slope that we see here because the guy thinks the wife should care for him on an unconditional basis (being served and pampered) while not offering any type of reciprocity.

I think she should push back now before the mother/son thing gets further embedded but she's (quite handily for him) already making excuses why many changes can't be made to address the issue.

squarecat

We try and not get too hung up on who's chores are who's and try and not get into that cycle of nagging/reminding, then ultimatums.

We've got plates and cutlery for 3 days so it’s really bad if there are no plates.
He'd been 'busy' for whatever reason and his 'I'll do it later' meant there were dirty plates on the side and more dirty plates in the machine so I served the dinner on dirty plates.

He now generally remembers to load the plates straight after dinner!

moneysniffer

BigAunty wrote: »

That's a thoughtful take on it. Another perspective is that it provides another tool to make the partner re-evaluate about rights, entitlement, sharing, privileges, the inequalitities in the relationship.

But in a way, it implies that 'withdrawing sex' is something that will only affect the man. Whereas surely sex is something that they are both wanting... so by depriving him of sex, she is also depriving herself. Sounds like she's already having a tough time of things already, why should she have to go without?

I do see where you're coming from, but I just feel it 'punishes' the OP too.

cakeforbrains

moneysniffer wrote: »

But in a way, it implies that 'withdrawing sex' is something that will only affect the man. Whereas surely sex is something that they are both wanting... so by depriving him of sex, she is also depriving herself. Sounds like she's already having a tough time of things already, why should she have to go without?

I do see where you're coming from, but I just feel it 'punishes' the OP too.

Agreed. Sex shouldn't be something that a woman gives to a man.

Although, saying that, if I were in the OP's situation I wouldn't want to have sex with my partner because I wouldn't feel emotionally attracted to him... because he was treating me like his mother.