Just needed to be heard for a little while

jobbingmusician

What WaSP is supposed to do is to contact Millefleur's care manager so that s/he can make sure MIL is OK. I know she hates having new people there, but I am guessing (and it IS a guess!) that you would rather spend all day on the phone to MIL if necessary to distract and support her than lose WaSP for the day. Am I right? And could MIL cope with that?

But if WaSP DOES have to go, then MU is right, you won't be alone here xxxx

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you MU. I will be fine really, I am used to WaSp being away I have just become used to him being here. Milliefleur needs him more than me right now, on the phone tonight she said to him at least he and I have each other to talk to and we both felt horrid. Looking back she loved her time in hospital, she loved the company. More than 3 hours alone and she becomes very lonely, in her whole life she has always been around people and has never lived alone before the past 5 years.

I need to shut up and cope with it!

Waves_and_Smiles

Ha! You are right, JM! It is so difficult because we hoped that the carers would work. It has put mine and WaSp's mind to rest but it isn't enough for Milliefleur, someone appearing every 2-3 hours isn't the same to her as someone watching tv with her and having general conversation. She has only been back from Yorkshire for 5 days and hates it.

I admit that I am seething at BIL, too. I have had acid reflux for over 15 years and have never needed to take to my sick bed for a week. Yes, it hurts and is uncomfortable but I am sure he could manage every other day with her. I almost want to tell my social worker what is happening. Firstly because this breaks my care plan and we have only just started on it, and secondly because I am not sure that the sheltered housing that they are setting up for Milliefleur is right for her. She loved being in hospital because she loved the company and helping everyone on the ward (helping the old dears as she described it. Some were 20 years younger than her!). If sheltered housing puts her in a flat alone the situation of her feeling lonely will continue and we really cannot rely on BIL. Having said that she is terrified of being 'put into a home' so perhaps that isn't the solution either. Also, her sister has gone back home who is meant to be with her overnight. This has turned out not to be so bad because she is checked on at 8pm and 8am so she doesn't get scared but her sister was also around in the evenings to watch tv with her.

She admits that she has never lived by herself. She left home and got married straight away, then had an affair after a long marriage with her abusive husband (WaSp's dad) and moved in with that gentleman. Then her niece lived with her for a while and moved out when her new boyfriend moved in. For the past 5 years BIL and WaSp have been staying with her but now she is alone all day if BIL isn't there, other than carers, and it isn't working. She cried tonight at the thought of BIL not being there next week. She is very used to company and finds it very hard to be alone.

Pyxis

WaS, this isn't right. Your needs are just as great as MiL's, otherwise there wouldn't be the insistence that you are not alone more than 4hours.
What BIL should have done was contact MiL's SS. Of course, he hasn't, so WaSp must. You mustn't go back to the old situation, you really mustn't. Apart from your own health, this could be a way for BIL to try to revert to the previous status quo. It will keep happening! once he knows that WaSp will dance to his tune every time he throws a wobbly, he'll keep doing it.

Mil has survived all the changes so far, and indeed, revelled in them. A few temporary changes now will be ok too.

As you said, she had a great time in hospital! Keep reminding her of that and giving her that as another option? (Hospital = care home! temporarily.) keep asking her if she'd like more company and to be able to fuss over the 'old dears' etc., just for the week. The decision may then come from her!

But the first thing that must be done is for MiL's care worker to be told, and she will put stuff in place. Please, please, please do not let Wasp just start going up there like he did before. That won't help anyone, and BIL will just take advantage of it again and again. If he knows that every time he reneges, care workers will jump in, he's less likely to do it.

Please, WaS.

Pyxis

And please, please, let your care worker know too. Your health is just as important as MiL's. Please. Let them sort it out. :A
I've gone into Warrior mode for you!




Edit.
It is looking a lot more like a good care home would suit her, for the company point of view. Could one be arranged just for the week that BIL is 'incapacitated?'

When you say that her sister is supposed to be there overnight, was this a condition of the package?
Could she not come back for a few days?

What I don't understand is, if BIL is not actually going to be in hospital for a week, why can he not stay with Mil? It sounds to me as if he is just going to have some tests as an outpatient.....maybe a gastroscopy? Correct me if I'm wrong.

elsien

WaS, I'm with Pyxis on this one. Your care needs are as important as MILS, at times probably more so. She is at risk of being lonely and upset, you are at risk of physical harm. It is not selfish or horrid of either of you to not want to go back to the situation you were in before. I also think it might be better to let the various care teams know rather than WaSp drop everything and go back to how things were. Your care plan is there to keep you out of supported living/hospital - which is why it's so important,
I also think there's a fair chance BIL might be indulging in a spot of game playing.
As far as the sheltered housing goes, the ones I've been in have communal areas and activities. if the places she's looking at don't, as for ones that do. Plus she might make new friends with similar interests, so don't start worrying about that just yet.

tea_lover

Morning all.

WaS, as others have said, please don't think you're selfish for being a bit worried about it all. The plan was put in place for good reasons, it stands to reason that changing things around so soon will upset you all. It does seem that a residential setting could be the best thing for her. I hope you all get something sorted xx.

tea_lover

ps - why are there more Mondays than Fridays??

codemonkey

Morning all. Why does the weekend just zip by? DH has had manflu and I've been getting that start of a cold feeling. And because its now Monday and I can't just bum around in my jammies, I have a sniffly nose.

Joanthebone

Sorry to be blunt WaS, but I think perhaps you should tell Social Services whats going on with BIL, I don't think you should just break your care plan again, its there for a reason!


By the way, I am in and out all day, lurking mostly, so if you are on your own all that time, you won't be, ok? I will emerge!


*slinks back to lurkdom*