Just needed to be heard for a little while

Pyxis

You stay right here, right now WaS, no slipping into anywhere. This is real, I am real, and what the voices are telling you is most certainly NOT real, so swear at them and tell them to b*****r off.

Penguin

you wer not repeat not to blame for anyone's death. Your mother was very, very ill, as you know, and no-one could have predicted what she would do, least of all you.
As you said, it was essential that you left. In fact I'm surprised you stuck it as long as you did! You did far more for her than anyone else did or was prepared to do, and that makes you an angel, not a devil. You are an ANGEL, and where do angels live?

Right WaS, maybe you need a drink. How about a glass of squash?



End penguin.

Pyxis

Are you ok WaS?

I think it would be a good idea if you were to wake WaSp up. It's 6.30, so not too early, and remember, he doesn't have to do a lot of driving!

Would you do that, please? (If he's not already awake?)

Remember, you are real, I am very real, if my over active digestive system is anything to go by!

Ignore the stupid voices, get Cynthia to squelch them - that'll drown out their stupid lies!

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you, Pyxis. Sometimes I need someone outside of my own head say that I am not to blame. Often repeatedly. A glass of squash is a good idea, I have some mango and kiwi juice in the fridge which I bought out of curiosity so I shall have some of that. Today is not the day to slip off to anywhere, WaSp is going to visit Milliefleur in 4 hours so I need to be ok alone. Her tv has gone weird so she needs him to visit. I will get through today so WaSp's and Milliefleur's plans aren't ruined!

I shall wake WaSp now. Just the company would be nice before he goes. Typical, I am fine for days and then WaSp has plans and then I have a bad day. I will either fall asleep or get this together so that he can go or I will be shovelling on another bucketload of guilt over that next. My carer will be here between 11.20 and 12 so Wasp has until 4pm to get back. It isn't long, I can do this.

Pyxis

Yes, that's not so bad, your carer will be here, and she certainly wouldn't leave you if you were really bad.

Have you had the drink? Mango and Kiwi sounds lovely!

Penguin

Just keep holding onto the fact that nothing that anyone did was your fault.

You had a bad dream. There was lots in the news to set that off. You are very kind to animals and children. You would never do anything to hurt them. If you were in charge of them and felt unwell, you would make sure someone else took over, you wouldn't let them starve.it was a horrid dream and NOT REAL. Now is what's real, the fact that you are a wonderfully kind person.
You are an asset to this world. You have helped loads of people just by starting this thread, so hold onto that. A devil wouldn't have done that.
You are a shining light here.
Take those voices and squelch them and squidge them into a piece of blutak and then roll it into a ball and chuck it out of the window!

End penguin

You're ok WaS, you are loved by WaSp, by MiL by your friends and SIL and by all of us on here, and we aren't all stupid! We knows what we likes! And we likes you!

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you again. Part of me is so frustrated. I have been ok for ages and then it had to be today when things went wrong. WaSp was aiming to go to Millielfeur's yesterday but she cancelled because she went Christmas shopping. That would have worked out much better. I will not ruin their day, I can fight this. On the bright side at least it didn't happen on reindeer day, then I really would have been annoyed!

The juice is lovely, I am washing down another anti-psychotic with it.

WaSp is up. Sort of. There is a silent lump under a blanket (copycat!) hunched in the corner sipping coffee, I feel a bit better now I have company, daylight would also be nice.

Pyxis

I'm glad WaSp is up, I think you need physical company! Would he give you a hug?
Jugliet sends a lick!
(Oh, all right!) and one for Sir Pugliet too, she says coyly! Little minx!

Have some more juice!






Edit. WaSsie, I have to go out now, am taking someone on a Christmas coach trip, and we can't miss the coach. I have PMed a couple of the others to pop on and chat to you. I won't be back until after 9pm tonight and don't have a roaming internet thing, so cannot stay online. The other TeamWaS people will be here soon. Xxxxxxx

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahahaha! Sir P is blushing!

Wasp managed to pat me on the head as he got his second cup of coffee, poor man isn't with it yet. He will cancel Millielfleur's if he needs to although I really don't want it to come with that, being almost blind having no tv to listen to makes for a very boring day for her. The voices appear to be quietening down a little, or at least not laughing at me. I am literally sitting here under a pile of blankets with my face in my hands and rocking while repeating, stop, stop, stop. I am looking especially sane right now (sense of humour still intact!).

Have a lovely time, Pyxis! Don't worry, I will be fine! the meds should start to work soon and then the voices will go back to a murmur and I will either feel better, fall asleep or get annoyed with my arm stretching up in the air with TD instead. See some pretty Christmassy things for me!

codemonkey

Good morning WaS. I am here. I am real and I agree with everything Pyxis said. It is horrible to have bad dreams.

Waves_and_Smiles

Another giant CBP. Seriously, avoid this like the plague if you are feeling at all vulnerable.

When I was 18 social services helped me move away from home. They found me a bedsit near to my family so that I could still have contact but had a place to go home to every night alone and moved my mother into sheltered housing. This worked for a few months but eventually I began staying at my mothers and hardly returned to my home and was back in the same caring role. At 19 I had planned to go to university, my family were strictly against this and my grandmother told me that my place was staying with my mother.

At this point my therapist was very worried about me, she knew that I had nothing else to give and was running on empty. I was on antidepressants myself and taking (illegal) drugs, drinking a bottle wine and smoking 20 cigarettes just to get through time spent with my mother. I would go to the bathroom every 15 minutes and just cry for a while before coming out and carrying on.

Social services and my therapist knew this and both encouraged me to walk away, as did my teacher friend. Not forever, but for long enough that my mother could be placed into care and I could get my strength back. I knew I had to because at that point I didn't want to live, I had nothing left to give.

In the summer after college I never went back to my mothers. She became very physically ill within weeks because she wouldn't take her medication and had kidney failure. They took her into hospital for 3 months and then moved her into residential care. A day after that she overdosed on insulin and took her own life, something she had often tried to do when I cared for her.

I didn't mean it to happen. I had no idea that she would do that. She had always told me and her mother that she would die if she went into a home but not that it would be at her own hand, she always felt she would just wither away. My grandmother and uncle believed I was responsible, that due to me leaving she gave up. Perhaps she did. I had no choice, I was already planning my own death and I would have taken my life if it had gone on for another month. It would have bought her very little time before she ended up in care anyway.

I spent 6 years as her main carer from when my dad died and I was just so tired. I couldn't cope with her constantly saying that she hated me because I was a demon, that I had killed my dad, that I had rejected family because I moved to my own bed at the age of 16 and therefore the abuse stopped. It was destroying me and I had to walk away.

I know it seems odd that I wasn't moved earlier but my therapist stopped that from happening and I believe she was correct to do so. I had had almost no contact with the outside world, in some ways I was very delusional myself as a result of believing what my family said. My therapist felt that moving me would push me into a breakdown that I may not recover from so instead she worked on gradually allowing me to see things differently and allowed me to change things when I felt able. When I was in children's home I would isolate myself in my room. I had no idea how to cope in a normal environment, it was terrifying to me. The only world I knew was the dysfunctional one I came from. Only that felt safe to me.

When I was an adult and had recovered further my therapist compared it to growing up within the confines of a cult but on a much smaller scale and told me she had treated it that way. She gave me books about cults and I found a lot of similar experiences within them. She told me that is rare but I certainly wasn't the only child who had been through similar experiences and she had taken a course about cult indoctrination years earlier to try and help me. The psychiatrist that I saw when I was 14 for a while was a specialist in conditioning, he also backed her that I shouldn't just be plucked out of there, that it would do me more harm because I simply didn't know how to exist in the ordinary world. I had to be taught what was expected of me and what was appropriate when I was a teenager as if I was a tiny child. My therapist also gave me books about children growing up with autism and learning to how to live in day to day life. she was correct that I related to those, too. I had no idea how to fit in, I had never been brought up to do so.

I told her that my mother was abusing me when I was 16, she then worked with me for 5 months to move to my own bed and stop it happening. She had already guessed what was going on. My mother and grandmother never forgave me for this, it was what their family did and my mother saw it as total rejection. They were so ill that they didn't see it as wrong, they saw it as something special that the family did that had gone on in the previous generation. Before I walked away my mother would remind me how I had rejected her everyday, I couldn't cope with the constant reminders of what had happened. It was the main reason why I had to leave, there was no peace to be found because she believed that the abuse was a good thing and that I was evil for ending it.

End penguin.

Good morning code! Please give dumbass dog a big cuddle from me!

codemonkey

He says wuff and a lick on the nose.

Pengiun reply

WaS, you did your best with your mum, way more than most people would have done, given how she behaved towards you. That was incredibly brave but there was nothing you could have done for her and you made the right choice walking away. I know you hold so much guilt but your mother's suicide was not your fault. It would have happened anyway.

I don't know about the religion stuff so much but if there is a god, he/she will see your beautiful soul and make you an angel. You're a wonderful person WaS. Don't forget that.