Just needed to be heard for a little while

Errata

jobbingmusician wrote: »

Oooo yes, I meant to say that I agree with the Mind suggestion. IIRC they actually give an award for bad MH reporting!

Youv'e mis-remembered, they don't -
The Mind Media Awards celebrate the best examples of reporting and portrayal of mental health in print, broadcast and digital media. The awards recognise media professionals, organisations, students and individuals who report responsibly and sensitively on mental health

lostinrates

Grr. Bad day for me health wise z( mental health fine, physical health grim). Have ended up flat on my back in bed. DH is home because his office had a power out yesterday so he's going to help me shower later and do some chores tomorrow ( I have some things to do out of the house).

I don't very often get bored, but today I am a bit bored of being back in bed.

jobbingmusician

Awww, those pandas!

Take care, LIR. Big (gentle) hugs. xxxxx Get well soon!

Pyxis

Yes, take care LIR, you'll need your strength for next week!

Waves_and_Smiles

Leaky roof! leaky roof! The most disconcerting feeling in the world is standing in the bedroom and feeling a drop of water on your head! I love rain but not inside! Full marks to the letting agent because he got someone here within hours, the problem is the flat upstairs, not ours. The dripping has stopped and it is apparently fixed so no harm done providing the mushroom family doesn't move to the bedroom ceiling!

Take care, LIR. You need your rest. Deal with everything tomorrow.

The panda's are adorable!

The story of your friend being told she can't look after her children breaks my heart, HBS. After I was diagnosed I looked after a friends little boy who was autistic from 6 months old until the age of 4 and I spent more time with him than she did as unfortunately she was very unwell. I loved spending time with him and we had a wonderful relationship. She was aware of my diagnosis and never doubted my ability to care for him and it helped me so much to have him in my life. Plus I got to spend the early years with a child despite not having any of my own, an experience I would never have got to have otherwise. It meant so much to me.

Just throwing in a disclaimer here. I am not saying everyone with complex mental illness can care adequately for a child, sometimes it is impossible, sadly of which my mother is an example. But the point is that they should be supported to try. A label of severe mental illness does not mean that you cannot be a good parent. As long as you monitor yourself, are willing to ask for help if you need it and have people who will support you and believe in you it can be done. In my case my psychiatrist and CPN were aware that I was caring for my little friend and would frequently check that it was working for both of us, I felt supported, his mum was able to rest and was very happy with the circumstances and the little boy was overjoyed to see me every day (to the extent of pushing his mum in the living room and closing the door and getting himself in his buggy ready to leave. That was embarrassing).

Waves_and_Smiles

My post above got me thinking so I am going to do one of my informative posts as I can think clearly today. Feel free to skip, I am just doing this because I think it might help someone. I am going to say psychotic break a lot so that it hopefully shows up if someone searches for information.

One of the things I have found is with each psychotic break my mental health has become worse and my abilities have lessened. Although my first was no doubt the worse I was still able to function relatively well afterwards. I felt I had lost 'something', I couldn't put my finger on it but I was a little more nervous, a little more tired and a little less able to think clearly. However, I was still able to go out and socialise and look after the little boy and lead a relatively normal life.

I have had 4 major breaks in all that required hospitalisation and came within 2 weeks of being sectioned 6 years ago but managed to pull myself out of it. After each break there would be permanent changes. My memory would get worse after every one, it would take longer to learn new things, I became more phobic and the voices eventually became permanent, too. Everything feels less sharp, my thoughts and reactions are duller and I feel more separated from the world. The line between what is real and what isn't blurs a little more every time. I have a healthy bit of me inside my mind that gets extremely frustrated, I know what I want to do and how I wish to think and learn but it is like there is an invisible block stopping me from doing so.

The interesting thing is this seemed to happen as a direct consequence of each psychotic break, as if something was damaged each time. I have no idea about the physical scars from these breaks but to me it feels like a mild form of brain damage each time, more cognitive abilities would disappear and my confusion worsened. I have told many psychiatrists that after each break I feel that I have lost a part of me that never comes back and was told that it is to be expected so I am clearly not the only one that it has happened to. I would love there to be more study into the consequences, I am certain that something changes everytime.

What this does mean is I am terrified of having another full psychotic break. The experiences I record on this thread are temporary relapses, they aren't full psychosis. I am far more ill when that happens and usually unable to fully get back from the other worlds. I absolutely dread it happening again because I know a part of me will be missing when I come back and I can't afford to lose any more cognitive skills.

Just putting this out there to anyone interested and hopefully help people to understand why even though a person seems better after a psychotic break they may never be quite the same. I saw the same pattern in my own mother, too. As usual these are only mine and my mothers experiences, it may be different for others.

Orrrr, see the following discussion which is also possible!

jobbingmusician

But are you sure that it's the break which has changed things (if anything *has* changed), and not all the meds which you are given as a result of the break? I'm not convinced by your logic so far:

too many uncontrolled variables (the one which jumps out at me being the meds, but I am starting from quite a strong anti-meds bias which I should declare )

'Post hoc ergo propter hoc' (had to Google that one to refresh my memory). In particular, it might have been another variable such as an illness/combination of illnesses which caused the break AND caused your deterioration. Or caused you to feel deterioration where there was none, for that matter.

quite a big one, I think, is the way that mental illness attacks people's self-esteem. People seem to lose or question their sense of self-worth - I think this leads people to feel worse than they are. Whatever that means (because what you feel IS what you are, philosophically.) I understand that people who develop a physical disability experience something similar. So you are pre-programmed, in a way, to feel you have deteriorated.

(In fact I don't necessarily disagree with you. I know you will know this is all said in the spirit of scientific analysis, not to pick a fight. )

Waves_and_Smiles

That is also a very interesting point, JM. I have spent 20 years on one of the older anti-psychotics that is known to leave permanent effects, it is possible that has changed things, too. I take 12 pills a day so you are likely correct that, that also has its influence. Frankly everyone knows that this med isn't good longterm, hence why the newer one are used now. I say that I deteriorated after the first break but that was when the medication was started, after every break it has been increased. I don't tend to think of my medication because I don't get noticeable side effects that I can recognise (unless I take the emergency dose which causes TD) but that actually is a possibility.

Of course, as you also say my immune disorders have become worse so that again is a possible cause. As is possibly seeing things through rose-tinted glasses as I look back at the past.

There are two ways of looking at my past, yes I was able to do more but I was also very unstable. By shrinking my world and going for maintenance I have established stability but it is at the cost of doing more. I was far more part of 'societies norms' back then but I was also deeply unhappy and frantically trying to juggle everything, often with disastrous results. I far prefer the current arrangement, trying to live as many other people do made me very ill with a lot of psychosis and severe depression and I was in and out of hospital like a yo-yo. I was at A&E every month where they would patch me up overnight and alter my meds slightly and try again. I have lost count of how many overnight stays I had, well over 50. I really wouldn't want to go back to that, it was 10 years of Hell so life back then definitely had its downsides.

There is an amusing story about that. They listed the names of everyone from the inner world on my records in case I had an MPD switch whilst there. My hospital bracelet used to have everyone's names on it, I wanted to crawl into a hole at every overnight stay because nurses would ask me why.

I don't mind a discussion at all, JM. I love different psychological theories, it was the reason I chose my rather short career. You have got me thinking now which is always a good thing!

lostinrates

My health had very negative and definite impact intellectually and cognitively. But as impactful has been prolonged time outwith effort and societal contact. Initially I worked very hard to regain previous standards if in different areas, now tbh, I just find it hard to be bothered. There is no doubt in my mind this has impacted greatly. But when you are so tired you cannot imagine socialising properly ever again the effort required to maintain interest in culture and personal growth is frankly, rather beyond what I have. This, more than physical pain and limitation is very limiting because I felt if I had a mind I could use it, never be bored or limited, but ....if you are feeling stodgy brained and feel your brain power slipping away then frankly its rather terrifying. I feel this was a major part in my struggle to remain buoyant.

No pills or breakdown here, but I do feel lack of stimulating social contact, lack of enough output and decent quality challenging input has been a significant contributor. But then, the causes to those don't disappear!

Waves_and_Smiles

I can imagine how hard that is, LIR. It may possibly apply in my case, too. One effect of shrinking my world has obviously been less social contact and reduced capacity for new experiences. I wonder if in my case the lack of those also contributes to reduced cognitive ability, in simple terms getting out of the habit, as such?

It IS terrifying to lose cognitive skills, my memory problems still scare me very much and I fear them deteriorating further. I cannot blame that just on psychosis or medication because my autoimmune disorders play a part in that, too. If they flare then thinking feels like wading through mud, particularly when my thyroid and adrenal function drops.

Sometimes the fear of what might be to come is worse than the regret of what I feel I have lost.