Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

Speak to your dad, tea lover. Have the words hang out in the air to a person who knows you both, and who you trust. Your dad may be able to help you find the compromises you should be taking rather than the ones you feel you should take.

I would take being and feeling loved over anything else, but that is because I didn't have unconditional love in my childhood. I still 'work' at my marriage, in that DH isn't perfect and he can annoy me(!) but it isn't 'hard work'. Also, the marriage does change over time so I don't take it for granted - well, I do, but I try not to.

codemonkey

Hugs tea. Rant away. I know I have.

It sounds like a very difficult situation - almost more like housemates than anything else. Do you still love him? If there was no house in the equation would you still want to be with him?

Solarjunkie

Tea Lover - can't help wondering what OH's reaction would be if he read what you have just written. Perhaps you could write him a letter? Put down on paper your concerns. Ask for a written reply. Maybe he would like a clearer understanding of what's bothering you. Men seem to like things spelled out! It could be a first step towards a new future.
(((tea lover)))))

tea_lover

codemonkey wrote: »

Do you still love him? If there was no house in the equation would you still want to be with him?

I really don't know. That's the most difficult part, I just don't know. I think if I met him now I wouldn't be interested in seeing him again, but it's so difficult to separate what I feel now from nearly a decade of shared history.

Sometimes I think how could I even consider ending it, of course I love him, he's the love of my life. Other times (often within just minutes) I'll think I need to get out now, I can't stand another second in the same room without wanting to punch the walls.

I've always thought that you had to make an effort for relationships, that's it's naieve (sp!) to expect them to be healthy and strong without putting in some time and work. I'm happy to do that. But what's the point when he won't do the same?

Such a cliche but I just want to feel loved, to feel appreciated, to be at least on someone's priority list if not always necessarily at the top. I want to know that my OH has my back and cares about me and I feel the opposite to that right now.

heartbreak_star

Tea lover - hugs to you - agree with Solarjunkie that maybe writing things down or showing him your ranty post could help.

I think part of today's grotty feeling is a holdover from some programme that was on TV in the background last night while I was pottering - I think there was a brass band on it for something. Anyhoo, I caught a snippet of Abide with Me and just crumpled in tears. It was my dad's funeral hymn and he always wanted it to be "the tune to which he went to meet his maker". I made it so when it was needed

Now I can't get it out of my head and it hurts so badly. Seems daft that the one thing in the world I cannot deal with is a piece of music but I miss my dad.

(I hope none of that was a penguin. If it was, please tell me and I will edit.)

Sorry to be such a downer today.

HBS x

tea_lover

Doesn't seem daft at all HBS x. I can see why having that going round your head would hurt.

Errata

tea_lover wrote: »

ETA: am nervous that I'm breaking some rules by posting! Please, please just tell me if I'm doing something wrong - really don't want to offend anyone x.

Please don't be nervous. The only rules on MSE are the ones MSE sets. http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/site/forum-faqs

elsien

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Now I can't get it out of my head and it hurts so badly. Seems daft that the one thing in the world I cannot deal with is a piece of music but I miss my dad)

HBS x

That's the thing about music, it gets so entwined with emotions in a way that other things don't. Towards the end when my grandmother had lost interest in most things, taking in the I phone and playing her favourites to her really helped. Some of the memories were sad, but they were still good because they made her who she was. Abide with me often triggers a few tears, so sing along, have a good cry if you want to and treasure the memories.

Edit -I can remember my nan laughing like a drain when my brother announces he wanted abide with me and "for those in peril on the sea" as wedding songs. Funny and sad all mixed together.

heartbreak_star

elsien wrote: »

That's the thing about music, it gets so entwined with emotions in a way that other things don't. Towards the end when my grandmother had lost interest in most things, taking in the I phone and playing her favourites to her really helped. Some of the memories were sad, but they were still good because they made her who she was. Abide with me often triggers a few tears, so sing along, have a good cry if you want to and treasure the memories.

Edit -I can remember my nan laughing like a drain when my brother announces he wanted abide with me and "for those in peril on the sea" as wedding songs. Funny and sad all mixed together.

Generally I can deal with it if I'm prepared - e.g. I have a friend who plays in a brass band and he tells me if it's on the agenda at a concert, I get a bit leaky but that's it - but if I'm not expecting it, it feels like I've been physically hit sometimes.

Dad was a seafarer and that's why he chose it I think

HBS x

elsien

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Generally I can deal with it if I'm prepared - e.g. I have a friend who plays in a brass band and he tells me if it's on the agenda at a concert, I get a bit leaky but that's it - but if I'm not expecting it, it feels like I've been physically hit sometimes.

Dad was a seafarer and that's why he chose it I think

HBS x

Yes, I got that solar plexus feeling as well, which I wasn't expecting. Odd how grief can hit you with new things that you aren't ready for.
Would talking about your dad help, or make it worse?

( My brother isn't a seafarer btw, just a plonker.)

Edit - tea lover, post away, I don't think anyone's been offended in this thread yet. We're a resilient bunch.