Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

HStar - that's one of the reasons I signed the poppy petition yesterday to keep the Tower of London poppies a bit longer. Hugs and hugs and hugs to you.

tealover, no rules broken, we love people posting. Anyway, I am intrigued - why do you go to your parents' house if OH hates it?

jobbingmusician

(((((((HBS)))))))
(((((((tea lover)))))))

and some spare ones for anyone else who needs them ((((((((()))))))))

tea_lover

Big hugs HBS - a duvet day does sound lovely x

Thanks ww. He doesn't hate it so much as doesn't engage. I know he'll turn up later than he said then be on his phone all day (like very other day). Every year I say I'm happy to go to his sister's instead but he doesn't want to do that (too many kids, too many dogs). Plus my parents are always v generous to him and I spend the day feeling guilty that he only sees them once a year. We live less than a mile away and I see them every week, but he only turns up at Christmas. It just looks so obvious that he turns up to get the money. My parents have never said that, for all I know have never thought that, but I hate it.

I love christmas with my family and just want to enjoy the day, want to beaten at scrabble by my niece and play my mum's silly quizzes - but I feel like I can't be myself when he's there.

whitewing

I mean this kindly: perhaps he hates that you think so badly of him? Do you really think that his whole relationship with your parents is based on what money they will give him at Christmas? (This is honestly not a criticism, although it may feel like it. I am always fascinated by family dynamics, and part of me wonders why you are with him?)

tea_lover

whitewing wrote: »

part of me wonders why you are with him?)

Me too... all the time
My current answers to myself are because:
- I don't know if I could take on the mortgage on my own
- I don't want to lose my home
- I'm hoping for a miracle
- I worry that I'm suffering from "grass is greener" syndrome. Maybe everyone's relationship is like this and I should just suck it up. Maybe the alternatives aren't that much better

I basically spend my days (and increasingly nights) going round in massive circles.

whitewing

Small changes on a daily basis work better than miracles sometimes. (Not that I remember ever experiencing a miracle). Plus, life is too short to be unhappy - which most people would probably take as meaning 'leave him' but that isn't what I mean at all.

Whatever happens, I assume you wouldn't break up in the next few weeks. Maybe subscribe to the american Flylady emails. In fact, her sister's novel Hidden Treasures is a gentle read, which may inspire you, depending on your personality. Your OH may be a problem, but some of it may be that you are prompting him to behave in a certain way.

My family life is far from perfect but I am happy and committed to my DH, so no, our relationship does not make us feel dissatisfied.

Speak to a mortgage broker and find out how likely it would be for you to take the mortgage on on your own.

Why don't you have a heart to heart with your dad about how he feels about your relationship. Get some honest feedback from someone who cares about you, who will be more able to set his emotions aside than perhaps females can, if you then go on to do the opposite.

If you like, tell us more about your circumstances, without giving away too much personal info.

Solarjunkie

Small suggestion Tealover - make the "going to the family" day Boxing Day - you can still have all the Christmassy things but not having it on the actual day seems to lessen the stress a bit. Do your own version of 25th December - maybe even take a turkey sandwich picnic somewhere, something off the wall and not tied up with "we always do...".

Solarjunkie

Judging by the number of thanks, the Recovery Letter seemed to go down well so I thought I might put on a few more sometimes - here is the explanation of the site -

The Recovery Letters are letters written from people recovering from depression, addressed to those currently suffering. The letter writers have experienced different types of depression including clinical/major depression, bi-polar and post partum depression.

The Recovery Letters started as an idea when I was staying at Maytree Respite Centre in November 2011.

My depression was very acute and I had had lost many things in my life, my job, concentration, some friends, the ability to read, nearly my life and all hope. I was an avid reader of novels, I used to get through 2-3 a month and reading gave me balance and escapism then suddenly I could hardly read a sentence. This coupled with the fact that no one told me that I could recover from depression made my illness unbearable.

What I wanted was to see that people had come through what I was experiencing and go on and live their life. I found huge tombstone-like books about depression that were far too large for me to read. I wanted to read something personal about recovery from depression and so the idea was born.

The idea stayed with me throughout 2011 and into 2012 and after a stay in a psychiatric hospital I decided to try and put the idea of Recovery Letters into practice. I set up a blog and a twitter account and over the next few years the letters and twitter followers increased.

No one is pays nor is paid for their contribution to The Recovery Letters, people who have been through depression reach out to those suffering and give hope and some peace that you can live and live alongside or after any time of depression.

Until I went to stay in Maytree no one had told me that I could recover from depression and I hope that's the message you receive from letters. You CAN recover from depression and our letters are proof of that. Keep going.

James Withey

tea_lover

Thanks again, sometimes just having a good old vent can really help x. Speaking to my dad is a good idea, thanks.

I'm in no doubt that I prompt OH to behave in certain ways, we seem to have somehow become entrenched in positions where we bring out the worst in each other. I genuinely have no idea how we've got here. Obviously no one sets out to be in a rubbish relationship lol.

We just have such different priorities. It's not that one of us is right and the other wrong, just that I'm starting to realise that the differences are probably incompatible. OH basically refuses to spend any time together - every weekend, every BH is the same. He arranges things to do with his mates and doesn't give me a second thought. I have my own social circle, perfectly happy with my own company and have no problem filling my time - but he just can't see that that's not the point. What's the point in being in a relationship where one person doesn't ever want to spend time with the other one? Every weekend that passes with us spending maybe 30 mins together leaves me feeling a bit more invisible, a bit more rejected.

Whever we do have things planned he's likely to cancel at the last minute (we're supposed to be seeing a band next week, tickets booked months ago, he's announced he's going to a leaving do for a football mate instead). We've been out together twice this year.

The more he refuses to spend any time together, the more unreasonable I start to feel by even asking. Which means that my interactions with him become far from ideal - so then he feels justified in not wanting to spend time together as he thinks I'll nag him or complain. And so the cycle continues.

We've been together nine years and this just isn't how I thought it would be by now. When we bought our house (3.5 yrs ago) I thought it was a real commitment. Instead we've grown further apart than ever. We spent far more 'quality time' together before we lived together. Now I feel like a housekeeper. I'm sure that if it weren't for the joint mortgage we'd have called it quits some time ago.

Oh my word what a rant! Sorry

whitewing

Penguin....

Yes, it's the John Lewis ad and Monty the penguin is very cute.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/watch-john-lewis-christmas-advert-4576188

End Penguin

Yes, I really liked the Recovery Letter...maybe I will write my own one day. (That's something I never thought I'd say, because I never thought I would be free of suicidal thoughts).