Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

I remember being asked in therapy why I still seemed to tolerate the way my dad behaved more than the way my mother did (or didn't) behave. (That wasn't the exact wording). I still don't really have an answer to it. I know that both my parents could have been married to someone different and potentially had much happier lives (I don't mean someone else was around, just that if they'd had partners that had treated them differently they wouldn't have fed off each other).

I don't for one minute think that your dad really thought that you wanted them to die. With the perspective of an adult out working in the wider world, I am certain that he realised that you simply wanted the situation to change for the better. To be honest, knowing the memory problems with enduring depression, he may not have even remembered you screaming it. I am also sure that if he could sit beside you today then he would give you a huge cuddle.

seven-day-weekend

Poor WaS, how awful. Try to remember NONE of it was your fault. NONE. You were a child and had to cope with things that no child is equipped to deal with.

Wishing you whatever you need for today.

Waves_and_Smiles

Peguin!

Thank you both so much. It is very hard for me to look back and admit that he did nothing. With an adults understanding I understand why, he was severely depressed and felt emotionally beaten and he was fiercely loyal and believed marriage was for life and that my mothers and my care was his responsibility. Walking away would have meant to him that he had failed. Eventually, when he couldn't provide that care anymore was when he ended his life. The situation destroyed him, too and destroyed his marriage; as well as my dad he was also the other half of that partnership and he watched it crumble. In that he was no different to anyone else worn down by an abusive relationship.

I didn't ever want him to die. I was just so hurt and angry that he knew what my mother was doing to me, I can't be certain that he didn't know she was abusing me either-all of the signs were there and he was a very intelligent man, it was so obvious that my therapist worked it out in the first few months that I saw her even though I didn't tell her until three years later.

I met my dad at the bus stop on his way home from work everyday, my mother insisted and my grandmother used to congratulate her on finding a way to make sure he didn't go anywhere else and they used to laugh at how clever it was. I remember meeting him once and crying because my mother had hit me and thrown bleach at me, covering my hair and face to get the 'bad stuff' out. He took me to the shop opposite our flat and bought me a huge pile of sweets and sat with me on a bench while I ate them all. Then we went home and he told me to forget about it and not mention it anymore. I had the next few days off of school because my eyes were so sore and red and I could barely open them, he told the school that I had an eye infection. He told my mother that, too as he bathed my eyes constantly and I didn't understand why he was lying to her about something we all knew was her fault.

But the truth is he stood back and let it all happen, despite being physically hurt by mother himself (he never so much as restrained her when it happened) and seeing her hurt me physically and emotionally. That hurts because I really did love him. But I do forgive him, it is just hard to remember.

haybel19

Huge big hugs to all that need them.

Little one and I have streaming colds so are having a lazy day. Max is overtired and feeling lazy too so he has joined us for sofa cuddles.

whitewing

I think you are healing, WaS, hard as it is to experience what you are going through right now.


Penguin re your dad





I am sure in the thread before that you haven't acknowledged that he knew, because I have wanted tolt ask about it before but felt that it wasn't the right time (and maybe wouldn't be).

No one on here doubts that you love your dad, and we all understand that the situation would have been very difficult for him and for your mother, even the bits that they may have been able to handle differently in a more understanding world.






End penguin







You look after yourself today and in the coming days.

Waves_and_Smiles

Penguin!
I haven't acknowledged it before, it is a memory I try hide away from myself. I don't want to think that he did know, but he did. I was so angry with him for the last three years of his life even though I couldn't verbalise why. I felt abandoned and as if he had chosen my mother and grandmother over me. To a child's mind as if he loved them more. It is what the entire dream was about, it seems my brain chose to remind me. Perhaps it is healing.

It was also the beginning of my eating disorder. Whenever something bad happened to me my dad would give me sweets and chocolate. Very grown up boxes of chocolates that he would allow me to eat as many of as I wanted. He wouldn't intervene but he would buy me sweet things by the bucketload. I came to associate food with being hurt and comfort following that. I dreaded it and I longed for it.

I just want to add this was purely how the situation affected me and it doesn't apply to others. It was a very rare and complicated situation which thankfully few people have to live through, other children who weren't rescued from an abuse situation might have an entirely different reaction. It is just how I felt in my specific set of circumstances as a child.

jobbingmusician

Possible penguin

I wonder if your dad chose your mum over you, WaS. I think it is more likely that he was just a trapped and terrified rabbit in the headlights, and all he could do was NOTHING. Which he did, but he supplemented it by being quite loving to you when you were on your own.

Of course you felt abandoned, but I suspect in fact there was lots of love there, it's just that he couldn't express it or do much about it. I hope it helps to know or suspect that he did love you.

penguin end

whitewing

I agree with JM's penguin post

ETA: I really do think you are healing, WaS, because I went through similar 'revelations' before my suicidal thoughts mostly went. I am so glad that this thread is making you feel safe enough to revisit some of these thoughts and feelings.

The rain is sweeping down here now - very cleansing.

Waves_and_Smiles

That is the best end of a penguin that I have seen, JM! I really hope that you are right. When I was 11 and my mother had to have half her foot amputated I took the ambulance worker to one side and asked him to tell me what would happen because I was stronger than my dad. I then went back and told him the likely outcome. The ambulance man stood within earshot and my dad burst into tears and grabbed my hand and said "I don't know what I would do without this one". I do think he loved me, he just had no idea what to do.

codemonkey

Oh WaS, I have nothing of any use to say. Reading your posts makes me want to travel backwards in time, find little WaS, give her a hug and take her somewhere safe. (Just in case any of this is a trigger, I will point out that I have no time machine and don't know where you are).

I'm sorry all of this happened to you and understand how difficult it must be to deal with the conflicting feelings about your father. But you are so, so brave. You've fought so many battles and come out the other end, injured but still standing, still being that beautiful rainbow soul. You still have battles ahead but you're an amazingly strong and brave person and with Sir Pugliet and Team WaS behind you, you will get there.