Just needed to be heard for a little while

elsien

Solarjunkie wrote: »

There are lots of people "with" you tonight WaS and with every tick of the clock the dawn comes nearer and the birdsong will start again.

Hold that thought, it's a good one. Blackbirds and Robins are among my warbly
favourites. Really tuneful and uplifting.

jobbingmusician

Sorry I've been running from pillar to post all day so not around much. Hugs to all, especially WaS with her electric personality and dibuzz hoping you will get some sleep tonight.

I drove all the way to Hackney this evening, only to find I should have gone to Ally Pally - nice evening once I got there though. But must GTB now - knackered! Love to all xxxxx

Big cuddles with Sir P tonight, WaS!

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you Solar. Heat on the electric shocks isn't a bad idea, I have never tried that before. I shall have to have a look at Tesco's slippers!

I am not sure what the shocks are, elsien. A psychiatrist told me once that they are related to having too much dopamine production which is what they believe causes my psychosis but I don;t know why they cause this feeling. It is also related to too little serotonin, it happens a lot to people who suddenly stop antidepressants and go into withdrawal. They are usually referred to on the internet as brain zaps, very common in all sorts of drug withdrawal actually. Of course, in my case I haven't stopped any medication so something is failing to do its job right now.

whitewing

I think you are doing brilliantly, WaS, with everything you have been trying over the life of the thread. There will be some blips (I realise this is an understatement for what you are experiencing).

Have you got your CD with the rain etc on? Will that help? If you can't find it, it doesn't matter.

I am going to bed now but will check in as soon as I am up (or if I can't sleep). I am sure there will be lurkers around too.

You are so kind to be thinking of how your MIL and WaSp are, and putting them before your own considerable discomfort.

elsien

If it is neuralgia like, it could also be related to your cold and your immune system being a bit more below par. Mine is tied in with colds and cold sores. Not that that helps with making it go away, but it might help explain why you're getting it now in particular.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aww, thank you whitewing. As bad as these episodes are for me they are par for the course and I know that they will pass. I would feel terrible if I upset MIL and WaSp really does need to sleep tonight. I was naughty actually and played it down to him so that he will sleep. I got through a bad episode at night before alone so I can do it again, I know what it is and I have started the extra anti-psychotics early so I am hoping that it doesn't escalate.

Night night, sleep well!

Good point, elsien! That is something to ask on Friday, actually. I wonder if my psychiatrist can be more specific about what they are?

Oooh, Hackney, JM! where I grew up! Ally pally isn't exactly close, you poor thing. Sleep well!

haybel19

I am here too and will be for bit. Huge bigs hugs to all that need them.

Good luck for tomorrow Whitewing.

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello haybel! how are you and your babies today?

Waves_and_Smiles

2.20am and I feel like I am dreaming. you know that feeling when you wake up in a middle of a dream and can't work what is real and what isn't? That feeling. It doesn't seem to be getting worse, though which is good. I shall take another anti-psychotic at 3am and that is halfway through the night. I am trying to distract myself with Dyac...

Next anti-psychotic taken and I am now distracting with an Approved Food order, if all else fails by yummy things! I shall get WaSp to check it tomorrow before buying just in case I have something ludicrous on there.

I feel as if there is a blind girl here that I need to look after. I am not hallucinating a teenager but I can see her appearance in my mind as if I have seen her and I feel fear and guilt that something will happen to her if I can't find her and take care of her. All of my emotions are as if she is here and alone and needs my help. It is very hard not to look in the bedroom to see if she is in there, although I know she can't be. It makes me cry that she is so lost and alone. I lost her and it is my fault.

I have checked every room and she isn't here. So why can't I stop crying because I know she is afraid and it is all my fault? She is only in her nightdress, has bare feet and is totally blind and she is lost and I was meant to protect her. The healthy part of me knows it is a delusion but it feels so real, I am so afraid for her, what if someone hurts her or she falls? This is all my fault, I should have paid more attention, she was my responsibility and I have let her down.

Surely the police would find her if she is outside? Or someone would help her when they realise that she is blind? I am scared that she is going to die, I can't be responsible for another death, I just can't. I have been looking up missing persons sites to see how easy it is to find someone and it seems very difficult. The Salvation Army have a site for teenagers to call home but how can she do that if she is blind? I have made sure that my phone is charged in case someone calls me on her behalf, I don't know what else to do.

Another update. Let's try to hold this together. It feels like she is real but there is no lost teenager. I haven't lost anyone. This is a delusion and it will pass like the others have. It feels very real but it is just psychosis like I have had before, no one is in danger and I haven't done anything wrong. It will be dawn in an hour and I shall take another anti-psychotic now. While I am worrying about hurting people please, please don't take anti-psychotics as I do if you have mental health problems. Always take them at the prescribed times. I only do this because I have a plan worked out with my psychiatrist to combat episodes and I take very tiny timed emergency doses until they work and no more. Never, ever consider this without medical advice, it can be highly dangerous.

Can this night go any slower? 3.45am now and it feels like the last hour took three. People will be getting up soon and starting their day, that helps. They may also find the girl and help her. I will feel better once it is light and she isn't alone in the dark. This is completely my fault, I have no idea how I lost her, how can you lose a person? I don't even remember where she lives, I really hate my memory problem. She is completely vulnerable and has no one and anything could happen to her. I can't even leave the house to try and find her, that's how useless I am. I want to call the police but something is telling me not to do that, it would make things much worse for both of us although I don't know why. I am sorry that I haven't reported her missing, everything in me tells me not to do that, it has to be me who finds her. She will always be my responsibility, no one else can help either of us. I am so worried but I can't share this with anyone, if I do it will break the bond that we have and she will be in even more danger. We are joined, I think that is how we met. It is important to keep that link. The voices say that she is already dead but they lie. I would know and not feel her anymore.

4.45am. Now WaS, say this very loudly, there is no blind girl! There is also definitely no psychic link between you anyone, that path leads to believing in government agencies watching you and believing you are abducted by aliens among other delusions. That type of psychosis is not permitted! Mind, listen to me. We do not think of those things! If nothing else I suppose this is an interesting record of me wrestling with myself. I feel as if my limbs are very relaxed now and my mouth is numb, that means the pills are working. WaSp has just got up and messaged me straight away and says the girl doesn't exist. He is going to help MIL and drive home straight away. I can't wait for this night to be over, this is the longest night in the history of humanity. I actually wrote an email to the Salvation Army and didn't press send, this is a good thing. I am more convinced than not that the girl doesn't exist (she doesn't right?) and soon I should feel better. I still see her in my mind but that is the only place she is, within my mind. She isn't real and I haven't let anyone down and no one is in danger. Please let the sun come up.

5.30am and I feel like deleting all of this but I won't because I said that I would be honest. I am so sorry for rambling on, it really does help write it down where I know someone will read it, though. I feel as if I have caused someone to suffer and I have huge guilt but logically I know it isn't true. There never was a girl (I am almost sure) and it was just a delusion. It helps my logical mind to look at it rationally, this seems like a delusion built out of the guilt I have over caring for my parents and thinking that I failed to be good enough. That is all it is, a combination of psychosis and PTSD. The man upstairs is awake as are a few people now and it helps to think of people having a shower and a drink and starting their day. No panic or drama, just people going about their ordinary life. Everything continues the same no matter what I have just experienced, none of it was real and the world reflects that.

6am and it's dawn. There are no words for my relief. For once I want to hear sounds, cars driving, people chatting as they head to work. Ordinary sounds of people going about their lives. I am very drugged at this point but the panic is a lot less. The guilt is still there even though I have no need for it but I can tolerate it. Thank you Team WaS for getting through tonight with me, writing to you all helped a lot. My main coping strategy for night time psychosis seems to be writing hourly updates on MSE, it could be worse. If anyone manages to read all this they deserve a award, I really don't expect it.

Can I just check with someone when they come online, I am real, right? I am actually awake and the girl isn't real? Just checking...

dibuzz

Yes WaS, you are real and the girl isn't.