Just needed to be heard for a little while

elsien

One voice talking cobblers. You do know that, don't you? It's the niggle of self doubt we all have at times, magnified out of all proportion. That bit about being the boss, I can identify with in my work life, but that doesn't make it true, you just have to think of the relationships you did have to know that.
And on a purely practical level, if your OH didn't want to be with you he could decamp to his mum for a roof over his head. He stays because he loves you and your relationship is meaningful to both of you.

whitewing

It is good that you can share it with us. A problem voice shared is a problem voice shrunk down to a mere whisper, I hope.

ETA: I think it is really good that you are putting it online. I guess this one sprang up from the discussion about having/not having children. Probably a lot of the general population never even think about that being one of the hard decisions about suffering from mh problems. There may well be a budding scientist reading this thread who promises themselves that research into these medical conditions is going to be their life's work. I am sorry that it affects you so badly, WaS, but I think your DP is a very lucky guy to have such a courageous lady.

lostinrates

elsien wrote: »

And on a purely practical level, if your OH didn't want to be with you he could decamp to his mum for a roof over his head. He stays because he loves you and your relationship is meaningful to both of you.

Exactly what I thought.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you everyone. For the most part I can tune them out into a background murmur but it is harder if I am already feeling vulnerable. I would be lying if I didn't say it wears me down at times to hear constant reminders of all of the worse things I think about myself, this one is speaking with no emotional inflection and it is just a constant drone.

On top of that I have the recorder one from inside my mind dictating everything I do. For example " <my name> just wrote about the recorder voice." As whitewing said it is no wonder that I get headaches, the only good point is that they have all been there for so long that I can mostly ignore them the way it is possible to ignore a tv on in the background.

I know the voices lie but sometimes it is still very depressing and chips away at what little self-esteem I have.

haybel19

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

I haven't recorded the bad voices for a while. I thought it was time, just for any interested people. Only one so far today.

Alone. Always alone as you deserve to be. Remember when they laughed? They thought you were stupid. Some silly drunk person who was only fun to others to be mocked. At work you were tolerated. No one argues with the boss. They never liked you, there was never anything to like. The strange looks weren't your imagination. They all talked, talked when you weren't there. Laughed at your stupidity and hated your attitude. they were never your friends. You have never had any friends, never will. Worthless. Worthless and pointless. Waste of space to everyone. He doesn't like you. do you really think he stays with you out of love? It is for a roof over his head and his own self confidence because he doesn't believe he could do any better. Love went a long time ago. And you destroyed him. Destroyed his self-esteem so he has nothing left. You trapped him and now he is stuck. That is what you do. Act all sweet and kind when really you're a b*tch of the first order. No one likes you. No one. Get used to it and admit it to yourself.

From there onwards it repeats pretty much the same thing.

Well I like you and you you are my friend x

whitewing

I know the voices are part of the schizophrenia but some of what they are saying reminds me of some of my symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I so dreaded people leaving me that I almost willed it to happen so I would get the pain of them going over with. I don't mean that you want your DP to leave. I just mean that you fear him leaving. He wants to be with you.

whitewing

More research published

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2710840/The-blood-test-help-prevent-SUICIDE-People-certain-gene-mutation-likely-end-life.html

Waves_and_Smiles

The conditions all tend to intermesh and become influenced by each other, it is hard to say that it just one at any one time.

I have a history of drifting from friendships when I feel that I might be left. I am ashamed to say that at times it is because someone has simply told me how much they like a new friend. I immediately feel that I can't measure up so I leave before I think that I am going to be left. I feel terrible about this because it leaves the other person confused as to what went wrong, it is quite heartless of me and I don't like myself for it and it is very hard to admit that I have done it.

whitewing

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

I have a history of drifting from friendships when I feel that I might be left. I am ashamed to say that at times it is because someone has simply told me how much they like a new friend. I immediately feel that I can't measure up so I leave before I think that I am going to be left. I feel terrible about this because it leaves the other person confused as to what went wrong, it is quite heartless of me and I don't like myself for it and it is very hard to admit that I have done it.

I have done that too. It isn't heartless, it's just deep distress. I didn't even realise that it confused people because I didn't realise at the time that it was unusual to feel like that.

I had loads of really good moments today but can't quite shake the one bad interaction that I had.

I am enjoying a raw carrot. It is quite crunchy. I am now wondering if you can drown your voices out with carrots.

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you, whitewing. I had to have a quick cry after admitting to that. I have lost some very good friendships due to just drifting away. I am so sorry that I did that to people. Any mention of having a wonderful time with someone else and I would think, that's it. I can't measure up and they won't want me anymore. It hurt me terribly to do it everytime but I am sure that it hurt the other people as well.

Although I would never drift I am cringing now that my best friend has found someone that she really likes and gets on with. I am so happy that she has a friend but at the same time I am waiting to be replaced, so I am completely torn. I just don't feel good enough to be her close friend. It isn't her problem at all, I know it is purely mine.