Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Evening everyone!

Just to answer one post before I start on the rest, Borderline Personality Disorder. My BDP (I simply refuse to use the other name for it) was indeed as a result of abuse and neglect as whitewing said. I was diagnosed it with it at 15, before any psychotic mental illnesses came up. It doesn't cause hallucinations or anything particularly obvious to people other than I can seem detached in public, largely because I don't know how to react or what to do. I can be very removed from some people but very clingy to those I trust, I am always scared of people leaving me because I am not good enough. Things like making friends never comes easily, there is always a lot of self-doubt and fear and I often don't approach people at all because I am so scared of it going wrong.

Criticism is a huge issue. For a while for me constructive/positive criticism didn't exist in my world, any kind meant I was hated and a failure. Thankfully that has become better but I am still very hurt by the slightest even perceived bad comment. I often see negativity against me where it doesn't exist, it is as if I am always waiting to be told how awful I am.

Also as whitewing says suicidal thoughts are daily (for me). If anything bad happens my default position is I want to kill myself, my mind immediately goes there. This has got better over the years so there is a little chance of me acting on it unless it was something huge but the thoughts still happen daily. The urge to self-harm is there several times a day at varying strengths but that has also got better and for the most part it stays just as a desire.

I do believe my mother also had BDP, she had a lot of signs of it under psychosis. Although it can't be cured as such there are a lot of ways it can be managed which give a lot of relief. It is what I call a self-checking disorder where you have to ask yourself if the response you have is the right one sometimes and keep an eye on it. But there is a lot of room from improvements in the lives of people with it, as long as they are willing to work through some very difficult things.

Feel free to jump in with anything I have forgotten, whitewing!

Waves_and_Smiles

I am sorry elsien. Have a big hug or a warm handshake, whatever you prefer.

Do have a holiday the next week and try to relax a bit, easier said than done I know. I would be just like you though and probably searching for jobs as soon as I walked out of the door, I panic about these things so I totally understand.

Try to do some nice things for yourself this week, even though it might sound a bit silly you will be feeling a type of grief. It is ok to feel sad or scared or whatever else comes up, just pamper yourself and have lots of cuddles with Gitdog.

whitewing

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Evening everyone!

I can seem detached in public, largely because I don't know how to react or what to do.

Me too. Words hurt, so I start to pre-empt things. I always got told I was excellent at planning and I was also responsible for the disaster recovery plan because of the level of detail I went into. I had to because I could not cope if someone pointed out that I'd got something wrong
I can be very removed from some people but very clingy to those I trust,
I was too. I also thought that out of sight meant out of mind, so I dreaded Sunday nights because even if someone appeared to like me at school or work, I felt I was starting all over again. It is exhausting
I am always scared of people leaving me because I am not good enough.
Me too
Things like making friends never comes easily, there is always a lot of self-doubt and fear and I often don't approach people at all because I am so scared of it going wrong.
I find it difficult to carry on a conversation.
Criticism is a huge issue. For a while for me constructive/positive criticism didn't exist in my world, any kind meant I was hated and a failure. I regularly got told that I can't take criticism. Looking back, it's no wonder - it gave me suicidal thoughts Thankfully that has become better a lot better for me, but it has taken enormous work to get to that stagebut I am still very hurt by the slightest even perceived bad comment.I am a lot better on this score too. I have an ex who played in a band and I was simply astounded when he said that some of the audience won't like them. I could not distinguish between them not liking the type of music to not mean a total personal rejection of my boyfriend and, even more amazing was that he wasn't bothered. He was happy to play knowing that some would enjoy it I often see negativity against me where it doesn't exist, it is as if I am always waiting to be told how awful I am. I think this comes from hypervigilance

Also as whitewing says suicidal thoughts are daily (for me). Mine were daily from a young teenager for 25 years. That's a heck of a time. Then I had the odd day when I was free. Now I have had over a month of no suicidal thoughts. If I can do it, WaS, then you can too If anything bad happens my default position is I want to kill myself, my mind immediately goes there.Me too, just that the 'bad' that triggers it is now much reduced. Smear test would trigger it This has got better over the years so there is a little chance of me acting on it unless it was something huge but the thoughts still happen daily. The urge to self-harm is there several times a day at varying strengths but that has also got better and for the most part it stays just as a desire.
I may add more later, I have an appointment now
/QUOTE]

Waves_and_Smiles

One I forgot to mention with BDP is there is also what I can only describe as a feeling of doom. Whatever happens there is this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that everything is about to fall apart with accompanying anxiety. The latter isn't a slight feeling, it is an all pervading sense that something terrible is going to happen at any time and it stays with you constantly. It is like constantly being afraid which triggers sucidal thoughts and it goes in a circle.

You have summed me up here whitewing-

"I am a lot better on this score too. I have an ex who played in a band and I was simply astounded when he said that some of the audience won't like them. I could not distinguish between them not liking the type of music to not mean a total personal rejection of my boyfriend and, even more amazing was that he wasn't bothered. He was happy to play knowing that some would enjoy it"

Anything that someone might not like that I do is seen as not liking me. For example, if someone said I wrote really badly I would immediately think it means they think I am bad and hate me. There is little separation between someone not liking something I do and personally not liking me. That is a huge struggle for me daily. It is even to the extent that the other day my partner casually mentioned I didn't throw away a box and left it in the kitchen. I immediately felt guilt and shame and as if he didn't like me because I had failed. I have a long way to go with that. The same applies if I feel I cannot complete something that someone wants me to do, I won't think that I have failed a task for whatever reason, I will feel that I have personally failed the person and am not good enough.

Waves_and_Smiles

Just a thought for dibuzz. Have you always had odd sleep patterns? I have since childhood and was sent to a sleep clinic. Has your GP ever suggested this? The reason that I mention it is that doctors don't always think of it and it did help me. If nothing else I discovered that I am a slow sleeper which means it will always take me literally hours to drop off, even if I haven't slept for 24 hours beforehand. Hence I know that I have to spend 10 hours in bed no matter what as at least two of those will be staring at the ceiling. Just a thought of something to mention possibly if this keeps up. I do worry about you not sleeping.

jobbingmusician

Evening all!

I don't think there's anything on youtube with me playing, although I am on a few commercial recordings.

However, ssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...... (I will probably come back and delete this tomorrow........)

It might just send you to sleep! (link deleted)

haybel19

Dibuzz

I used to have sleep problems and tried all sorts including sleeping tablets and swearing loudly. I like the Avon Sleep Therapy spray- if you do decide to try it and it doesnt work it smells nice!

whitewing

It may have been discussed before, but do you know what causes your sleep problems, dibuzz?

Pyxis

jobbingmusician wrote: »

Evening all!

I don't think there's anything on youtube with me playing, although I am on a few l]

What instrument were you playing?

oldestgnome

Pyxis, I thought the shopper was JM:o