Is it normal for women to love their husband MORE than their children?

Legacy_user

just wondering as I think my Mum does

Person_one

What's normal?

I think most parents would say their children are the people they love most, however there are definitely exceptions. I know two couples who openly admit they value each other more than their children and in a 'who do you save in a fire' scenario would pick their spouse. There are also mothers who choose their partner over their child when the child alleges abuse, showing their priorities by their actions.

Is there anything to be gained by delving into it though? Has something happened that's upset you or made you doubt your mum's feelings towards you?

Buzzybee90

I have never weighed up my love.... I love everyone I love the same!

Dractonis

I don't have children so can't comment on that, but I can tell you that one of the (many) reasons I don't want children is because I feel as though I would value my partner more. It's just the way I am and the approach I have to a relationship. I want my partner to be my best friend, soulmate and the most important person in my life... I feel children would mean I would have to put them first and neglect my other half, in some way. My boyfriend has a daughter so I accept that he can't feel the same way about me, but that's to be expected.

To be honest though I'm not sure you can compare them, they are different types of love. You get something from a partner that your child can't offer you, and vice versa. When I question my place in my boyfriend's life and his half-made family he reinforces this to me. Your mother and her husband were also together before they had any children (sorry, assuming he is your father but apologies if not), so they have developed a bond over a longer period of time. I don't think her love for him would necessarily detract from how she feels about you though.

heartbreak_star

Agree with Dractonis - there are different kinds of love.

I don't have children, but the love I have for my Mum is different to the love I have for OH.

HBS x

Domayne

I don't have kids but I can imagine why it would be possible - you choose your husband, but your kids...well you just end up with whatever your given and perhaps they turn into people you don't really like? I get along much better with my parents now but my mum always used to say to me. ..I love you but I don't like you and always sided with her husband, no matter what.
I never understood how you can love someone but not even like them as a person. Which meant she loved me purely for the fact that I'm her daughter?
I don't think its love if you feel like you HAVE to love someone just because they are family

savingmummy

I love my husband and my children the same.
There is no case of I love x more then y and so on!!


The love I have for my husband is different then the love I feel for my children.


ETA: I was worried about having a second child as I couldn't understand how anyone could love another child, then I worried I wouldn't love another child as much as my first.
I soon learnt your heart has a lot of love!!

GobbledyGook

I don't think it's always a case of more or less, but just very different.

I think when your children are young then you have a responsibility to put the children first - as in if your husband is doing something damaging that you may choose to put up with as an adult you should be conscious that children don't get that choice, not "Dad doesn't count child rules the roost".

Once your children are adults that can change I think because they don't need the same protection.

daisiegg

Surely it is a very different love, and not comparable?

I find this an interesting question because I think it is expected to an extent that 'the children come first' and so on. However, I think this can be very dangerous and it can't be a good idea to focus on children to the neglect or detriment of the adult relationship. After all, if all is healthy and normal then the child should grow up, move on and have an independent life - at that point, if a couple has totally focused on the children and loved them more than they love each other, they can find that their lives feel empty and they suffer for not having nurtured their marriage all those years.

Also, surely children are happier and more secure in a home where it is clear that their parents really love each other (I don't mean to comment on single parent households but I mean if there are two parents in the home, surely it is better that they love each other a lot and that is what the home and family is based on).

I am currently pregnant and although I already love my baby girl more than anything despite the fact she isn't even here yet, my husband and I have talked a lot about keeping our own relationship healthy and keeping each other number one (albeit joint number one!) because baby girl has to grow up and leave us; we will (hopefully) be together for ever.

JIL

Its a different kind of love.
Your partner is hopefully the one you share everything with. Its a kind of conditional love, ie faithful, caring, partnership love. (it can be ended by either party)
Your children are the ones that get the unconditional love, but they grow up, leave home and live with their own partners (in most cases) for all their faults you still love them.

balletshoes

I agree with others here - its a different kind of love, and I also think the love you have for your children evolves as your children grow up. The love you have for them when they need you to keep them safe and protected is a different love from when they are growing up into independent young adults. Its not less love, its just different.