Worries over Boyfriend's Expenditure

concerned1516

Hi all,

This is an odd one and doesn't seem to neatly sit anywhere, so I am putting it here but feel free to move it if would be better elsewhere. I have been with my boyfriend for the last 2 years but only recently have circumstances allowed us to start living together during the week. Background to us - he is full time armed forces, I am health service, we are both 30, we earn about the same about £35k a year. In the last year I have brought a furnished a 2 bedroom flat in outer London entirely with my own savings - something I am really proud of, but has taken 5 years of being VERY careful with money building a good credit rating and saving like a demon. I knew my boyfriend smoked and drunk when we first got together. But its only recently I have realised how much per month he spends on it at a VERY conservative estimate its over £500 (30 a day habit it seems) and easily two boxes of whatever beers on special a weekend.

I know may seem stupid but, apart from that he is a really nice guy not even bad drunk. But the money he wastes on both habits is killing me and starting huge rows. I don't smoke and only socially drink rarely. Yet he spends the evenings and weekends in my flat doing both almost alone sometimes.

Is it heartless of me over this alone to have really put huge doubts over our longer time future together. Does anyone have any similar experiences or can offer any advice? Is this so bad in the general scheme do other people spend this amount and I am being harsh? What is an unacceptable amount for a partner to spend on things like cigarettes and alcohol. Is this a just he hasn't yet grown up and the forces have babied him too much and by possibly leaving him over this am I at risk of throwing the baby out with the bath water?

Interested just to have a break from my own thoughts as I don't want to approach any of my friends as the majority are mutual and I don't want to put them in a difficult situation or worry my family.

Many thanks.

SavingPennies_2

As long as he doesnt have debts as a result I dont see the problem as some people might spend £500 on clothes or a hobby and I presume being in the forces he doesnt have much else to pay out for (like mortgage, food and bills).

What would bother me more is him drinking and smoking all weekend while you arent. I dont do either and wouldnt feel happy in the company of someone who did.

Have you asked him not too, and if so what was his response? What if you want to go out for a meal or something, would he get drunk then too?

jackieblack

That would aggravate me too, but..... it all depends how you manage your household finances.
As long as this spending is coming from his 'personal' money and not from 'household' money, isn't it up to him what he spends it on?
Some people spend a lot of money on shoes or clothes or going to the hairdressers, he's spending his on fags & booze. Different priorities.
Wouldn't be my choice, but we live frugally and spend as little as possible on anything so we can afford nice holidays and a lot of our friends/family don't understand that either.

concerned1516

SavingPennies - I have asked him not to in the past mainly for health reasons he coughs like crazy and he is developing quite the beer gut sadly dispute being quite a fit guy. He doesn't take well to it whatever way I phrase it and it certainly makes no difference in the amounts

jackieblack - luckily it is all his own money, although recently he expressed interest in paying into my flat which has led to me finding out that in the past he spent quite a bit on credit cards he still hasn't paid off but sometimes adds to... not much but a good £2000. It annoys me he doesn't just wipe it out. I do totally get your saving to afford nice holidays the experience of travel is worth it IMHO. (CLARIFICATION - he does not pay into my flat and I have been clear that the option past an agreed amount as 'rent' is not on the table right now)

poppasmurf_bewdley

First thing to do is ensure you do not get a joint account with him. If you do, and he has - or gets - debts, it will ruin your credit rating as well as his.

Ask him if you could both go a weekend without drinking, and gauge his reaction to the suggestion. Anything other than agreement would point to a drinking problem.

Speaking from experience, there is nothing worse than having a relationship where one of you is careful about spending and the other just spends and spends without considering the consequences.

You are aware that there could be serious problems ahead. Tread carefully.

concerned1516

Poppasmurf - I fear you may be right it's already causing issues which is so draining. His response to cutting down on either is that he has a tough job which being health and reserve forces myself I do begin to understand. But in all honestly (sorry for being sounding slightly bitter or chip on my shoulder) he's been babied or dare I say it spoilt his entire life - from boarding school to forces. He doesn't even know how to get a weekly supermarket shop and has never had to pay real rent or bills. I am trying to be patient and understanding but its diminishing by the day. He likes living with me and thinks he can just 'pay a bit towards the mortgage' and my hard work becomes 'joint' - he now gets the groceries - when he follows the list to 'pay me rent'....

Mojisola

-taff wrote: »

if he wants to stay with you but doesn't understand reality, tell him he can be a tenant and make sure that you have paperwork etc to cover that.

A partner can't be a tenant. Whatever you put in writing wouldn't over-ride any beneficial interest he has built up by paying towards the mortgage.

savingmummy

My mum was so fed up with my dads smoking she put a ban on indoors in the end as she is VERY anti smoking and hated the expense and the smell - it worked. He used to smoke 20 a day now its 5-10 if that, he found going outside alone in all weathers wasn`t much fun!


He needs to understand how much you`ve done by being careful and managing your money, PLUS using hard earned savings to get where you are today!
The £500+ his wasting a month could be paying ALOT!
To be honest I`d be rather annoyed, especially if he wasn`t willing to cut back. I feel for you.

Monkeyballs

Hi,

It sounds like he may be at a turning point if he is starting to show interest in having joint finances...

But, it also sounds like he simply doesn't have the maturity to realise what this entails

If I was in your shoes I would sit him down and tell him straight out what your concerns are and make it clear that until he starts to grow up you want to keep your finances separate.

I'm guessing being babied all his life has given him a bit of an over inflated feeling of self worth and a hit of reality might wake him up

There is no need to be nasty about it or for you to feel guilty as you're both adults having a grown up conversation

MB

lindsaygalaxy

If i'm honest I think it would drive me crazy. Knowing that I am paying for everything when he is just smoking and weeing away his money. To have a future together would mean sharing expenses, possibly paying for children etx. Could he not pay towards 'expenses' like food and bills - would that stop him ever making a claim on the property?

longtermplanner

Are you both thinking longterm babies etc? If so, then smoking is more than a smelly, expensive hobby that risks his health

But he is probably going to have a really hard time giving up as many of his comrades in the forces probably think that level of smoking and drinking is normal.