Worries over Boyfriend's Expenditure

System

Hi OP,

Your situation is very similar to that of a very close friend of mine, the main difference being that they have a young child together. From what I gather, the drinking/smoking/drug-taking has piled up huge debts with no way for them to be repaid. My friend has said their relationship is more like that of a nagging mother and naughty child than a couple in love, with shared values and goals. My friend says she would have kicked him out well before now if it weren't for their child. They have been together about 7 years and he has been like this since they met and no amount of nagging, paying off his debts and encouraging him to seek help has done any good. The truth of the matter is that people have to want to change before they will change.

I would hate for you to end up in the same boat as my friend (she hates even going home because she knows he will be there "drunk as usual") as it's a very miserable existence. Only you know whether or not you love your partner enough to overcome his issues, but I for one believe that love is not always enough.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!

BigAunty

In_The_Red_2009 wrote: »

Hi OP,

Your situation is very similar to that of a very close friend of mine, the main difference being that they have a young child together. From what I gather, the drinking/smoking/drug-taking has piled up huge debts with no way for them to be repaid. My friend has said their relationship is more like that of a nagging mother and naughty child than a couple in love, with shared values and goals. My friend says she would have kicked him out well before now if it weren't for their child. They have been together about 7 years and he has been like this since they met and no amount of nagging, paying off his debts and encouraging him to seek help has done any good. The truth of the matter is that people have to want to change before they will change.

By the sounds of it,the OP had no major difficulty in getting their partner to leave her property, perhaps because he had good access to alternative accommodation and it was pitched as a temporary matter, perhaps because there wasn't a child to consider.

However, on the relationship forum, one key characteristic of women (and in particular mothers) trying to get their debt prone or addicted or abusive partner to change is how much the partner resists changing, at most going through the motions or finally being contrite if it looks like they are going to have to leave the home, and then going back to their old behaviour after a grace period. They consider the goods that come from their debts, the drinking, the separation in social activities from their family as their right, their entitlement, a deserved treat.

There's no genuine Light Bulb Moment, simply an ungraceful and modest amount of acceptance of their partner's complaint when pressure, such as an ultimatum is made, and not a moment before. Quite often, the woman is blamed for the man's behaviour - 'I may have run up debts but you didn't stop me and you enjoyed the spoils' or 'I was only unfaithful because you made me unhappy' or blames others.

After the inevitable return to gambling, drinking, running up debts, prioritising their interests/social life over family time, not helping around the house and so forth, the woman ends the relationship and asks them to leave.

That is when the fun and games start as their ex cannot face up to the big changes required that comes from having to start all over again. By that stage, they've been mothered, indulged and insulated from reality for a long period of time and the comfortable bubble that's enabled their behaviour is being taken away.

The relationship forum is full of threads from women who essentially can't get their ex to quit the property or accept the relationship is over and who are bombarded with pleas, pressure tactics and barriers. Yes, they may very well still adore their ex partners but perhaps they've simply not got the appetite to find someone knew to groom and exploit as it's a long process that requires a lot of effort.

The cynical part of me has started to suspect that there is a core of damaged people who are in relationships less because they adore their partners but more because its better than homelessness or insecure housing, a handy way of being subsidised to enjoy a lifestyle they could not otherwise afford, a way they are protected from having to address their behaviour.

They are drifters seeking a harbour. I don't believe they know they are actively exploiting the household and targeting more vulnerable, less assertive women, but I do wonder about the very clear patterns I see on the relationship forum where there is a huge inequality and lack of respect in the partnership with the damaged party doing their best to cling onto the status quo.

Find

System

I completely agree with you, BigAunty. In the case of my friend and her partner, he lived at home with his parents into his 30s and only moved out when he moved straight into my friend's home. She's the main breadwinner and thankfully the home is entirely in her name, but by only asking him to contribute £200 a month towards everything, and by repeatedly paying off the debts he accumulates, she is enabling him to continue on his path. She does realise this, but she has told me she hasn't got the energy to end the relationship and isn't sure how she would cope as a single mother. Her other half now knows he can get away with it, as he's racked up huge debts at least twice in the last three years that my friend has paid off for him (getting herself into more debt in the process). She's warned him that's the last time.....but I fear he knows they are empty threats. I doubt he cares much anyway as the room in his parent's flat is still there waiting for him, as is dinner on the table and his washing and ironing done for him. He knows he doesn't need to grow up, so why bother?!

On_my_way

I was used badly by my ex boyfriend for money- he had money, that was the weird thing but he got made redundant and was self employed for quite a while whereas he should have got a job. He used his moods and control to make sure that I bought him whatever he wanted - it was terrible at the time and I have been paying it on a DMP since 2009

BigAunty

On_my_way wrote: »

I was used badly by my ex boyfriend for money- he had money, that was the weird thing but he got made redundant and was self employed for quite a while whereas he should have got a job. He used his moods and control to make sure that I bought him whatever he wanted - it was terrible at the time and I have been paying it on a DMP since 2009

There's a long thread in the Relationship forum by TeaWithMilk that might chime with you. In it, she details the breakdown, separation and battle to secure child support from a man-child who ran up debts, prioritised his spending and mounted a campaign of harassment in order to try and deter her from seeking child support.

For example, he resisted taking over the tenancy when she moved out but also refused to seek a smaller/cheaper place that befits his reduced income after she left. So then he reluctantly got the expensive tenancy changed into his sole name for him to subsequently whinge about her taking him to the cleaners (i.e. the CSA) after a year of barely contributing to his daughter's upkeep. Also, he was supposed to pay towards household bills ran up in her name after she left but only paid a small sum and complained bitterly about this.

He refused to pay towards the divorce or discuss a final settlement. The lump sum she already paid him wasn't used to pay off his debts but to buy more gadgets/hobby stuff, all the while while saying he was too poor to buy things for his daughter. Now she is in a better financial position and has raised child support with the CSA, he is now demanding that she pays him off, big style.

Today he has sent her an abusive text because her daughter lost a household key costing £7, like it was a kings ransom, and making out that paying 15% of his net income (as per the CSA formula) is something that plunges him into poverty at her expense.

You just can't make it up.

I apologise to the OP if it feels like I'm going off-thread but I do think the Relationship forum is an eye opener about the damage of having a long-term relationship with a stingy man-child and the extra complexity and pain that comes with bringing a child into the equation.

lindsaygalaxy

Any update OP? Hope you are ok.