Worries over Boyfriend's Expenditure

Jazee

BigAunty, I wasn't having a dig for going slightly off topic. My concern is that my experience may be of no use to the OP in coming to a decision at all. Such is the nature of these things.

Big fail on day one by the way!

BigAunty

Jazee wrote: »

BigAunty, I wasn't having a dig for going slightly off topic. My concern is that my experience may be of no use to the OP in coming to a decision at all. Such is the nature of these things.

oh,no, I didn't think you were having a dig about going off topic, and yes, it's hard to know if the advice given in any posts ever lead to positively influencing a poster, so no worries.

heatherks

he has the income to cover it at the moment but i'd be more worried about his long term health issues if he is drinking and smoking heavily ..

concerned1516

Wow, where to even start?! Thank you seems like a good place. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I feel awful that I haven't replied sooner. So an update - I sat down that and I tried to talk to him. He went very quiet and when he did answer it was quite surly and defensive, he called it a 'bash him' session before getting up and getting another beer and a cigarette...

I wish I could say I ended it there and then, but alas I didn't. I did collect his coat, shoes and car keys before sending him back to barracks as I needed some space. We have spoken since then, but I am dallying now very much in two minds. Then I came here. Alcoholic, he would tick all the boxes his weekend usual drinking is 10-14x 300ml (1.4units) beers per day weekend 6 of the same per night.

The irony is that he has seen everything and yet nothing of life. I know his past (verified by friends and family) and there are some very significant events in his life that would cause anyone lingering issues to be honest. Yet his existence has at the same time been charmed. It is almost devoid of any adult responsibilities. His only non-forces bill is his mobile phone. I left home at 17 and moved into hospital accommodation because I was an admittedly difficult and rather headstrong teen and I made some often howling mistakes while learning to be an adult and standing on my own two feet. I realise now that if I am not careful - he may turn into one of my mistakes. I would like children - although I am quite happy focusing on my career and training right now but I often feel like I have one in him already. Its been a hard decision but seeing all your responses I think a firm shape up and ship out warning is required and I have to be prepared to follow though if he doesn't. Which of course is the hardest bit. I could say the words and I would even mean them. I am worried about testing my own resolve, but today is a good a day as any. Might as well find the stubbornness of my youth and remember my first duty is to myself right now.

And in answer to everything to I can remember from the rest of the thread. The drinking isn't very social anymore, his friends try to ensure they don't have much in the house before he comes over as they often openly worry. He gets down regularly and doesn't want to do anything but sit on the sofa on a weekend and evening. He likes gardening, but doesn't have many other hobbies, unlike me who has a few. I have a much wider social circle and am close to my reserve group. His family don't live in the UK and his close friends are those that have known him since uni and school where he started the habits. The forces doesn't help with the drinking alas it is often actively encouraged and to pass out levels. Smoking I think would be commented on but then he has never shown more than two weeks willpower to give up since I have known him. And the 'almost alone' comment I am in the house in bed while he is on the sofa drinking until 1-2-3am sometimes so not alone but alone at the same time in my mind.

I would love him to change but it doesn't seem likely right now and it's taken me a while but neither will I will only end up nagging and getting angry. I don't like what he is doing to his body nor what he is doing to his wallet and that is the bottom line.

Long update but I'll let you all know how it went.

savingmummy

Well done sending him off to the barracks, he will no doubt realise you mean business now.
Maybe he needs professional help? Getting him to face yo to a problem is difficult though.


My father was an alcoholic. When my mother met him (aged 34) she knew he `liked a drink` BUT was unaware to what extent!!
After a year of marriage mum was faced with seeing him roll in drunk from work and continuously getting calls saying `we are bringing him home` my mother tried getting him to cut back and stop but he wouldn`t.
Then she found she was pregnant with me and she gave him a ultimatum - drink or family!.


Then my mum got a call from the police to say dad had collapsed outside a pub in the city and suffered a head injury.
Of course mum assumed he was drunk but when she got to the hospital it turned out he was sober and has collapsed on his way to a meeting.
His blood pressure was so high the consultant didn't know how he had been walking let alone alive!!
He was admitted into hospital for 16weeks to stabilise his blood pressure and was finally discharged with boxes of pills.
He was told to stop drinking. They told him if he continued with his lifestyle he wouldn't make another year!
My father (now 68) to this day has not touched a drop and is now very healthy and fit and he is forever grateful my mum gave him the ultimatum.
He truly believes had she not he wouldn't be here today!


Its hard living with someone who is drinking a lot and generally not looking after themselves. Only they can change IF they are ready!


I hope you partner takes this as a chance to change his ways.

Seanymph

It restores my faith to see a young lady looking after herself and not making excuses to remain in a place that is destructive to her.

Good luck to you - you can be financially incompatible just as you can in other ways - and alcoholism, despite reassuring posts here, destroys families and people, as do all addictions.

If he is prepared to put his addiction in front of you now, he will when you are living together, married, or parents.

Leaving your child with it's parent, coming back and finding them incapable and your child shut in a room leaves you with a very hard decision - and all future access visits very fraught indeed.

Now is the time to do this to look after yourself - and there is nothing wrong and everything right with you putting yourself first in this.

jetplane

Two years in and you want him to change, are analysing his past and criticising him. Just cut your losses, you feel almost alone, you cant control how he spends his own money, you cant change him.

What you can change is what you do about it, do you embark on a mission to make him see the light and save him while he saves money? How many sit down and talk / bashing sessions will it take? There lies the way of madness

It wont be easy but long term relationships are built on respect, loyalty and common values. I agree with seanymph its refreshing to see someone thinking ahead rather than looking back with regret.

hippychick1

My goodness you sound like me 15 years ago! My husband was exactly the same. In the army, decent wages, but all spent on drink and cigarettes. All weekend was spent drunk. To be honest I was 19 and swept away by his over the top shows of affection, flowers, weekends away, not realising they were all on credit!

10 years and three children later he still had not changed so I left. It took me a long time to realise he was never going to grow up, and being in the forces certainly didn't help, in fact it encouraged that behaviour.

If he isn't happy to make changes now, he likely never will be. Stand your ground and if he won't grow up, walk away. Good luck x

Swampy3k

Good luck with it, from experience the armed forces has a very big drinking culture, you could ask him just to cut down on it while he's around you, or ask him to set a budget so once it has run out he can't buy any more.

I would NOT however, ask him not to drink with his friends, in my opinion and experience, the armed forces being one big extended family it can be mates before girls.

BigAunty

I'm with Seannymph on being pleased and relieved that you have such a mature insight into the situation.

You have a very realistic understanding of the risks and issues that will come from remaining in a relationship with an alcoholic who is not ready to change, including ending up childless or as a mother with a needy, selfish man.

You also seem to be wise about how impossible it is to effect any change in him until he wants to. His rock bottom moment might not be the end of the relationship and loss of a cosy home (perhaps not even debt or losing his job). Some drinkers never get the Light Bulb Moment, even when told they can only get a new liver if they show they can abstain from alcohol for a period of time.

My experience of alcoholics leads me with a very pessimistic view of rehabilitation and sobriety. Although I lost touch with one alcoholic so don't know if she recovered, my 4 family members with alcohol issues caused havoc for many years to all those around them. None recovered.

One was expelled from a lovely care home in their 80s after drink related violence towards staff and was moved out after years of living there so lost his friendship with other residents and staff, plus he was robbed of his savings because he was vulnerable to exploitation.

One has drink related brain injuries, spent long stretches being homeless and ended up in prison (now a Big Issue seller and dishwasher) and is estranged from his family after ripping off his alcoholic father.

One died in their 30s in a homeless hostel, with a criminal record, enduring beatings from fellow drinkers and caused misery to his mother because his drinking was so public and his debts always led to her door.

One ended up at quite a young age in a residential care home due to the damage to his health. He caused the family home to be repossessed - his wife and children had no knowledge of this and were simply turfed out with a few belongings the bailiff allowed them to collect. His children were humiliated at the sight of him begging outside the local pub and wandering around the local area out of his face.