Worries over Boyfriend's Expenditure

bimbo84

I wouldn't take anything that could be claimed to be payment towards your mortgage. Half of the bills and groceries etc only. Also ban him from smoking in YOUR flat. Do you really want all your stuff smelling of smoke, not to mention the health implications for you.

If he doesn't like it tell him to find a flat share.

fannyadams

hmmm
having dated squaddies and been a squaddie myself i can honestly say that you do get a reality check when you leave.
As a squaddie you don't pay that much for accommodation or meals or kit or anything so you really do not have ANY idea how much rent/bills/etc actually costs. (A bit like politicians really.) So, when you go out into the real world after your resettlement course(s) you get a flat and live your life and BAM! you soon realise your wages aren't going to cover your lifestyle. that's your sink or swim moment and lots of them sink. bury their heads and spend on credit cards etc. end up homeless and on the streets.
SOME of them have their heads screwed on and use the money to finance stuff like flats and houses but THE MAJORITY pi$$ their money away on fags and booze because there's nothing else to spend it on.
If you get a nice stereo and you go away on depolyment then sometimes it's there when you come back, sometimes it's not...
it's really no good trying to have 'nice' stuff unless you can take it with you on deployment or leave it at your parents house because no one else is going to take as good care of your expensive stuff as you will.
So harsh reality time... you either need to show him how much it actually costs to run the household and ask him to make a contribution (be aware this could mean he is entitled to half your house!) and as it is YOUR house you'll have to bite the bullet and tell him no smoking indoors... (good luck with that as you've already allowed him once or twice).
Sorry I can't be more helpful but I thought perhaps I could put the squaddie PoV across...

Powered_By_Pies

Out of interest, does he do anything with friends or you over the weekend, or does he literally just sit at home and drink and smoke?

If it's the latter then it might be a simple case of Boredom. Does he see any friends over the weekend? Any good hobbies or interests he has that you could encourage him to get more involved in, instead of just sitting there in front of a telly with a bottle of booze in one hand and a fag in the other?

dancingfairy

Why is it bothering you? Is it the health implications or the fact he is wasting his money?
I think you need to be on the same page really and have a joint future together. How do you see your future? How does he see it?
Also it doesn't really matter what the outside world thinks he should spend on himself each week/month. It's more the cost to the relationship and not trying to compromise and meet in the middle that seems to be the issue. It's really about what you're happy with as a couple.
It's sad but I guess sometimes the only way to get to know someone is when you start living together and I guess sometimes you discover that you are 2 seperate people.
To be honest though he is going to have to want to change, for you, for himself and for the sake of the relationship. I'm just wondering whether he is smoking/drinking to escape reality? whether he feels like you are mothering him and trying to tell him how he can/can't spend his money?
It must be hard
But in answer to your question, you seem to have done well for yourself financially and I guess it's important to see a financially stable future, so for me, yes I'd want to know my partner had a similar issue to money to me for a successful long term relationship.
df

BigAunty

I would suggest that you read the Relationship forum and/or post a summary of your anxieties there. You see this primarily as a financial issue (hence the DFW board) but that's just a symptom of his immaturity and the unfair relationship - these drive the way he is financially reckless.

That board is frankly awash with posts from women being financially exploited by their male partners. There is even apparently a word for this type of practice whereby the female bears most of the accommodation costs - "c0ckl0dger"

There are generally two strains of posts, one from women that are fed up with the general financial recklessness of their partners and who won't pay a fair share towards bills but never withold themselves a single treat, nor generally lift a finger round the house. The male partner prioritises their interests and spends their money and time how they like. There is often signs of addiction (gambling, internet, alcohol), for example.

Then there are the considerably sadder ones, with all of the above, but on top of the financial exploitation and household laziness, there is emotional or physical abuse. Obviously there's no trace of this in your post.

Even though you don't see him as an alcoholic, his drinking is heavy (drinking alone, hello?) and carries risks. You care about how he is wasting his time, money and health but there is little you can do to influence this if he's not amenable - only he can motivate himself to reduce drinking, give up smoking, take up more productive interests, sort out his debts.

Is there any chance is he using alcohol to self-medicate, that he may have a mental health issue which he is masking with heavy drinking, that the reason he sits in the house most of the time is because he is socially withdrawn?

As for his failure to contribute and smoking in the house, it's up to you to say 'My house, my rules. Stop smoking in my house, pay a proper share, start doing housework or ship out'.

The housing forum members will be able to give you links to advice sites for co-habitation which show how you can divide up bills without a partner being able to claim an interest in the property if you split up.

However, as you fully admit, he's never had to take responsibility for himself, has been cushioned from economic reality and has long-term bad habits which impact your relationship. There's probably limited scope for change and it looks like he pretty does the minimum he can get away with.

It's a real shame to see how you are the one suffering, plagued with doubt, worrying if you are over-reacting when you've basically ended up having to nurse a stingy drunk.

Of course he likes living with you! You think he can smoke in the barrack block? Pay buttons in a private let towards rent and bills? Have someone else pay for his food?

He may be a good person in many respects - personality, perhaps a caring nature, good company, etc - (and if he's been nannied for years by institutions), its seemingly not directly his fault but unfortunately is probably very ingrained now. However, he sounds like a millstone, sapping your patience, spirits and bank account.

Ask yourself if your friends or family would put up with that kind of behaviour, endure that type of one-sided, frustrating relationship with someone who is probably institutionalised and unable to change or see your point of view?

BigAunty

https://www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together//

dodgy123

I do feel sorry for your Boyfriend but understand you being upset with his smoking/drinking. I assume like many smokers (including me) he has it in his mind to quit one day, a push in the right direction from you could help. Maybe booking a course or hypnotist but not nagging that never works.
Would you feel the same about his spending if he spent all his money on a car he worked on in the garage all weekend or flying lessons? something that doesn't affect his health but isn't really socialising with you or others?

Firewalker

It is not heartless; it is very, very wise of you to question your long term future with your boyfriend. It is not only about money: people who drink continue to drik until drink is their whole world. Apart from that drink eventually morphs into other objectionable behaviour like womanising and violence. I know: I spent 6 years with a drunk and it became intollerable. At the end, I decided that I value myself more and left.

It is your call; just don't fall into believing that you can change your boyfriend - it is not how it works with drunks usually.

thebillet

This set up doesn't seem much like adult to adult, more like parent to child. If you were sharing with a girl friend would you accept her behaving this way?

geri1965_2

BigAunty wrote: »

Even though you don't see him as an alcoholic, his drinking is heavy (drinking alone, hello?) and carries risks.

Drinking alone doesn't make you an alcoholic!