Worries over Boyfriend's Expenditure

ali-t

OP I agree with the others who say you need to out boundaries in place of I protect yourself. I went to see a solicitor to get a cohabitation agreement set up and it has the potential to be the best £500 I will ever

FWIW if my partner didn't pull his weight or contribute he wouldn't be there anymore. I am anti smoking so that would be a deal breaker for me but each to their own. Make sure you have protected your assets whatever you decide to do.

sourcrates

geri1965 wrote: »

Drinking alone doesn't make you an alcoholic!

True, but drinking alone all weekend, in preference to spending time with your partner, is certainly odd behaviour, once or twice maybe, but all the time ? could be he has other issues he isn't telling you about !!!

geri1965_2

sourcrates wrote: »

True, but drinking alone all weekend, in preference to spending time with your partner, is certainly odd behaviour, once or twice maybe, but all the time ? could be he has other issues he isn't telling you about !!!

The OP says he does it in her flat at evenings and weekends "almost alone sometimes" - what does that even mean? Either he is alone or he isn't. If he is alone, it must be because she has gone out. What is supposed to do, sit around not smoking and drinking water because she has gone out?

People who smoke, smoke whether they are alone or with other people.

Jenniefour

OP, you are at the stage in your relationship where you need to have discussions about expectations of each other/the future and figure out what's realistic and what's not - and how you are going to go about things.

It may be that you have very different ideas and values about how to deal with money which can be a compatibility issue and mean the relationship is not for the long term. Also, take heed of the post from the ex squaddie. My brother was in the army for 9 years based in Germany in the days when they only came home on leave. He didn't save a penny. Others saved up and bought their houses outright when they left. Big shock for him when he left - real life costs money.

Until you've had some serious discussions about the future I would strongly advise against putting his name onto anything or allowing him to contribute towards the mortgage. You need to determine whether you do have a future together where you are both on the same page.

Dealing with money the way he does at present would be a deal breaker for me - compatible beliefs and ideas about money are essential. You need to be working as a team with clear shared goals to have a good future together. What needs including in these discussions is what plans he has for building up a career/work when he's left the forces.

Good luck.

sourcrates

geri1965 wrote: »

What is supposed to do, sit around not smoking and drinking water because she has gone out?
People who smoke, smoke whether they are alone or with other people.

Actually yes, that would be a good start, maybe get outside in the fresh air, instead of sat in a smoky room alone

BigAunty

geri1965 wrote: »

Drinking alone doesn't make you an alcoholic!

I agree.

However, drinking through a pile of tins in a non-social capacity virtually ever saturday and sunday for what might be hours on end is not a sensible approach to alcohol in anyway, shape or form, though the OP hasn't defined the units.

It is at very least, a potential sign of heavy or inappropropriate drinking. The lack of social engagement, the almost habitual and solitary nature of the drinking, does raise a flag, even if an addiction is not present.

I wonder if the OPs partner drinks during the week or just engages in the weekend quiet and solo binges.

Some people think if they only drink x days per week, or can be teetotal in January, or openly drink in front of others instead of hiding bottles, it is a sign that they can control their drinking and it doesn't control them when in fact, the periods where they abstain are there to prop up other heavy periods of drinking.

Smoking and drinking are intoxicants which some people use as a mood enhancer, a way they cope with stress. They associated having a cigarette or opening a can as the sole way they can relax. They therefore don't address the reasons why they are distressed or agitated, they don't look at the cause, they mask it, and just deal with the symptoms by using harmful substances.

I'd love to know if the OPs partner has any real interests or social life or whether he just works, drinks and smokes.

It could just be that his mental health is fine, he's just a bit indulgent in less healthy activities but he is ruining a relationship with his bad habits.

At £500 a month, that's £6,000 a year and over a 25 year period, even not allowing for price inflation which could well double the expenditure, that's 150k, enough to buy a house in many areas.

However, I wouldn't like to have his lungs or liver if he makes it to the next 25 years.

Jazee

I thought I'd put in my experience here. I have been with an alcoholic for three decades. He is a really good person who works really hard and not a horrible drunk. I don't drink. He used to smoke but doesn't anymore.

I found that the good outweighs the bad but no one will give up smoking or drinking for you, they just have to want to do it for themselves as my DH did with smoking. He has had periods with no drinking and even he can see the benefits, more money, smaller belly, no snoring, but always ends up going back to the drink. And no amount of nagging from me would change this, so I accept the situation as it is at the moment.

However, we do have rules in place. The money for his drink has to come from his monthly personal spend allowance (please don't anyone say this is a mother/son relationship - I have personal spend money too). He is not allowed to buy drink from any other money for other budgeted things.

You need to decide if the good outweighs the bad.

BigAunty

Jazee wrote: »

I thought I'd put in my experience here. I have been with an alcoholic for three decades. He is a really good person who works really hard and not a horrible drunk.

However, we do have rules in place. The money for his drink has to come from his monthly personal spend allowance (please don't anyone say this is a mother/son relationship - I have personal spend money too). He is not allowed to buy drink from any other money for other budgeted things.

Feel free to ignore my question if too intrusive but can I ask whether his drinking influenced any of the 50k debt in your signature? Either directly or indirectly through loss of income, contributing to spending decisions that were unwise?

The reason I ask is that there have been 3 alcoholics in my family, plus an acquaintance with a drink problem. All of them have had significant financial issues either through general hardship through being on benefits long-term or ending up in debt.

Only one of my family members worked across his lifetime but then again, his drinking only became problematic after he retired after a life time of working for a local authority. Even then, he lost a lot of money because his befriended another alcoholic who fleeced him of his savings. He didn't get into debt due to drink but did lose his nest egg.

My two other family members have rarely worked and their addictions have led them into debt, ill health and crime. One died in his 30s after only briefly holding down a job in his teens and racked up debts due to non-payment of basic bills, fines on public transport for not having a ticket that went unpaid, etc.

The other is approaching his 60s and hasn't worked properly since his 20s and ended up in prison for robbery.

The alcoholic recruitment agent I knew kept losing her jobs and tenancies because her drunken behaviour would annoy employers and flat-mates.

I'm sure I must have alcoholic family members and friends in regular employment who are able to hold down steady work, who I simply won't be aware have a drink problem. But any alcoholics that I have directly known simply struggle to hold down homes, jobs and relationships.

Jazee

BigAunty, your post is not intrusive at all. These things need to be discussed because there is a lot of 'hidden' alcoholism. So I will try to work down your questions/comments.

Our debt accrued over 10 years from bad financial decisions, being able to get easy credit for things we didn't need and no longer have, and learning to drive and getting cars. But without a doubt DH's drinking contributed because he carried on with his usual spending when I was taking things to the pawn shop to buy food. And getting pay day loans. He didn't know any of this as I always papered over the cracks. Alcoholics are manipulative and selfish and when there are small children involved (as there were, now grown up) I didn't want to rock the boat so to speak.

However, during all this time, DH has held down employment. He is very successful in his field, and none of his colleagues or any of his family know about his drink problem. They all think he is the life and soul of the party, never questioned why every pub in town knew his name and drinks order (he doesn't go out drinking socially now), and just think he knows his wines.

His LBM came in 2007 (hence the date in my signature) and we made considerable life changes, and cut his personal allowance by a third to clear the debt. A few obstacles have occurred over the last 7 years which have set us back a bit financially but we make our last debt repayment next month.

DH's sister is also an alcoholic which everyone knows about because she can't hold her drink at all, and is now suffering hugely healthwise. This is the outcome I fear for DH. I love him and don't want to be widowed young(ish).

Anyway, he tells me that he is going to be alcohol free during June as he has to be fully focussed for a new project at work. We shall see.

OP, sorry for hijacking your thread.

BigAunty

Jazee wrote: »

BigAunty, your post is not intrusive at all. These things need to be discussed because there is a lot of 'hidden' alcoholism. So I will try to work down your questions/comments.

Our debt accrued over 10 years from bad financial decisions, being able to get easy credit for things we didn't need and no longer have, and learning to drive and getting cars. But without a doubt DH's drinking contributed because he carried on with his usual spending.


OP, sorry for hijacking your thread.

If this is regarded as taking the thread off topic, then it will be my fault.

The OP has never defined her partner as being an alcoholic so perhaps it is because he is not or perhaps its because of the common perception that people who drink very heavily but hold down jobs and don't fall over or who openly drink can't be alcoholics when in fact they are just merely at the more functioning end.

The OP worries about her partner's spending and how he spends his time so I can't see how our experience of heavy drinkers/alcoholics and their debt-prone and selfish natures can be that off-topic. Hopefully we areing perhaps prescient or at least helpful by pointing out how alcoholism can develop almost unseen by those around them and totally unrecognised by the addict.