Adult son neglecting himself - at my wits end

fabforty

Although you clearly mean well, the problem that is it is not your son's house, it is a shared house. His flatmates might not want you interfering/cleaning/tidying up their things - especially without their knowledge or consent. I would probably be quite !!!!ed off in their shoes.


Taking the job might help - most employers won't tolerate poor hygiene, and he might well get the sharp kick up the backside that he clearly needs.

BigAunty

I feel for the OP. It's hard or even impossible to influence behaviour with encouragement and advice. I feel that many people only learn from direct experience and that those giving even the most gentle and constructive of advice can find it counter productive.

Perhaps only by losing his temporary job through sickleave (employers being very unforgiving), a 3rd return to hospital, understanding that his temp pay barely covers his bills, or falling out with his peers, might he make the decision himself to change his behaviour for the better.

My experience of those, including students, who live in squalor or have low hygiene, is that they simply don't notice it or don't care despite the fact that most people would be shocked and disgusted. It simply isn't an issue to them.

He's evidentally having the time of his life with his buddies, despite the impact on his health, and seems to accept the risks in order to continue with his lifestyle. He will naturally be quite (over) optimistic about risks - impact and likelihood of negative consequences. It's not our reality, but its his.

mountainofdebt

When Junior left halls last summer I walked into the communal kitchen and had an almighty fit.

It was like they had decided the previous fortnight to not to clean any of the dishes or pots that they used. There was mould growing in some of the pans.

tbh the kitchen was always a major source of irritation to me.......and I'm no dolly home maker.

ska_lover

dandy-candy wrote: »

I will have to arrange for his uni house to be cleaned or travel down and do it myself during the week, DS said he will help but that is not a good idea with his skin - I can't believe he doesn't even realise that himself! All his house mates have gone home for the holidays so they won't be there to lend a hand.

I understand he has this terrible skin condition, but why can he not use a pair of rubber gloves and get stuck in? At some point, you are going to have to have him take responsibility. That's not really your job, as the mother of an adult.

You are spending more time worrying about your sons life, than he is..

I think lads at Uni tend to live in a mess from what I have witnessed over the last 12 months - and when their friends are doing it too, its just 'normal' to them

My lad recently came back from year one, looking and smelling like a hobo, and embarrassingly had to ''tell him'' to get in the shower, within minutes of coming home. Every time I visited him at the halls, the kitchen was in a health hazard state with rubbish and pots piled high.

I am a massive clean freak at home and the urge to clean / nag him to clean was MASSIVE - but I never once mentioned it - his life, his mess - and I have got enough on my plate without cleaning up after another adult.

Obviously you are worried about the health effects though, so is different to my case

BigAunty

I used to get subsidised rent in Uni halls in return for admin duties there. Mouldy food, dirty pots and pans were the norm. Bedrooms were disgusting. Bathrooms were a;ways left in a state. Pools of vomit in communal areas were not unusual. One boy kept his used condoms under his bed (trophies or laziness, I suppose). I came across a student cooking a tin of beans by putting it directly onto the hob. One boy received medical support for malnutrition after only eating crisps. Fire extinguishers were regularly discharged for fun. Fire alarms were deliberately activated. One of my colleagues reported that a bunch of residents decided to turn the kitchen into a sauna by boiling multiple pots of water on every hob across all of the cookers. And so it went on.

Those grubby people are now probably teachers, accountants, solicitors, doctors, etc. For some reason, it seems to be a rite of passage to be completely slovenly. European students who visited under the Erasmus scheme could not believe the level of filth, noise and drunkeness in halls.

Horace

Students can be filthy devils. I used to work for a large red brick university and I worked in the department that looked after cleaning. One day a woman phoned and was screaming down the phone at me about the state of her son's room - it took a while but I eventually got her to understand that her son's room was in a hall that was looked after by the students themselves and that her son was responsible for the state of his room.

There were occasions in other halls which fell under our jurisdiction that the cleaners would refuse to clean and that the male porters dressed in full protective disposable clothing would have to go and clean. Needless to say huge bills were submitted which were then filtered down to the students. I am still at a loss as to why they thought it was funny to smear excrement over the cooker and in the cooker as well as over the walls and floors of the communal kitchen._pale_

OP. Your son is an adult and needs to learn that his behaviour is inappropriate as it is harming his health, the only way he can do that is if you let him get on with it. Maybe he has quit uni because he is depressed or he has been booted out. Employers are not going to want someone working for them who has poor hygiene as well as their inability to wash their clothes - it is unfair on other members of staff.

Clean his room in the shared house but leave the rest of it. Show him how to clean, how to use a washing machine or if they do not have one in the shared house show him how the machines in the launderette work. Let him get on with it.

Savvy_Sue

DH has spells of dreadful eczema, sometimes infected, so it is not JUST about poor hygiene.

Learning to manage it is a process.

What he finds helpful is to have a sauna every other day. It is counter-intuitive, because generally the advice is not to overheat, but he can get a good sweat up, slough off all the dead skin in the shower, and moisturise thoroughly. Having a shower at home doesn't have the same effect.

summerspring

mountainofdebt wrote: »

It was like they had decided the previous fortnight to not to clean any of the dishes or pots that they used. There was mould growing in some of the pans.

:rotfl:




But seriously, I don't know why our students behave like this when it comes to living on their own for the first time. Our European counterparts seem much more mature.

dandy-candy

I don't think DS has ever been to a sauna, but I will ask and suggest he tries it.
Yesterday he had asked the Dr if he could go home on Sunday, but today they said no. They want him to be in for a while yet as they are trying him on a new pill, it's a corticosteroid. He had to have his kidneys checked as if they aren't functioning well, the pills can be bad for you. All sounds a bit scary!

Yolina

BigAunty wrote: »

European students who visited under the Erasmus scheme could not believe the level of filth, noise and drunkeness in halls.

Yep I came from France to the UK some 20-odd years ago with the Erasmus programme and :eek: indeed (and it's quite possibly worse now than it was then!). Stayed a whole 3 months in Halls instead of a year. Found a house share sharpish and although there were 5 of us, and the 4 others were guys, we always made sure that the kitchen and bathrooms were kept clean.

OP: your son is old enough to make his own decisions, jumping in and doing the cleaning etc for him won't help really - he has to realise that he needs to take care of himself. His hospital stay could well be the kick in the rear that he needs - hopefully he'll be well enough to leave soon