Adult son neglecting himself - at my wits end

dandy-candy

I'm absolutely at my wits end here and don't know what to do, please please give me some advice.

DS1 is 21 years old and has had really terrible head to toe eczema since he was 6 weeks old. When he was little I would give him his meds and apply his creams and it wasn't too bad but he was never great. As he got older I didn't physically cream him, but would always be reminding him to do it and take his meds etc.

Two years ago he moved out to go to uni. The 1st year he was in halls and they have a weekly cleaner so he wasn't too bad. This last year however he has been house sharing with3 others and they live like filthy pigs. His skin has constantly been bad, he stinks because they all smoke, his "clean" clothes dry in the house and smell of mould, the kitchen has maggots in it - you can imagine.

At Easter he came home looking dreadful. I took him to the dr who sent us to A&E and he had to be admitted and was in for 4 days while they treated him fir a very bad skin infection. They sent him home with new creams and a hospital appointment, and he looked fantastic. Until he went back to uni.

He was back with his mates and within a week said his skin was bad. Then he missed his hospital appointment. I should also add that he didn't attend any lectures this last year or bother to sit the exams. All he does is sleep all day and party at night - something that also affects his health.

Last Saturday he came home again not looking great and stinking like a musty house. I threw him in a bath and re washed all his "clean" clothes. He said he was quitting uni but was applying for jobs. I said I think he should leave and move home and get a job here, his housemates are too filthy etc. but he wants to stay there and be with them.

On Monday morning he said he had slept badly and felt sticky in the night. Tuesday morning he said the same and went to have a bath. I went to change his sheets and they smelt foul, so I sent him off to A&E. They took one look at him and said "you came to the right place" and admitted him again - the second time in 6 weeks.

DS1 started saying to me that he thought he should move back because he can't keep on top of cleaning and eating right etc. THEN yesterday he calls me all excited to say he's had an offer of a temporary (2 month) job back by his uni and they want him to start on Monday! He's still in hospital??!

The house is filthy but he wants to move back anyway and I can't go and help him clean it as it's DH 50th birthdY party this weekend. He will still be with his nice but scummy mates, his clothes will stink again, and his skin will get bad again......

I don't want to rain on his parade but I think he is a complete idiot. What do I do?

pinkshoes

Could you pay for a cleaner to come twice a week to help him and his friends out?

Or perhaps he could persuade his friends to pay half?

With the healthy eating, tell him to buy apples or something simple to eat.

AnnieO1234

Can you afford a team of professionals to do a deep clean? I'd advise doing this at the end of his lease anyway because otherwise he will be certain to lose his deposit.

You could look into local laundry services too in order that he gets his clothing cleaned.

To be honest, it sounds as though your son is spreading his wings and ignoring his skin condition. In some ways the hospital should have been a wake up call but wasn't. The fact he's being made ill by it may be a good reason to speak to your GP (presumably he's still technically under them) and see if this could be a mental health issue or just "student behaviour".

Xx

Gra76

You're right unfortunately, he's being a complete idiot in the sense that he's not looking after his skin condition.

The rest of it sounds very much like when I was at uni - ie lots of partying, messy house etc.

Hopefully a couple of spells in hospital will be enough to make him see that he can't neglect his eczema, regardless of whatever he decides to do (or not do) in life.

good_advice

What do you do? Nothing.
You can only advise, he can listen. Then he has to make his own way and choices. He is learning as he grows up.

The child is older. Makes his own choices. We as parents have done our best. The adult child will make choices we know are not the ones we would have chosen. It is an education of life.

Just be there to pick up the pieces and a welcome home.

daisiegg

Have you posted about this before? If you haven't then I think someone else has so maybe you can find that thread and see what advice they were given. If it was you - sorry to hear things have not improved. I don't have any useful advice, I'm afraid...sounds like a really difficult situation

[Deleted User]

It might be a bit of denial. 'I can live the life I choose regardless of this skin condition that's been hanging around all my life'. It must at times have seemed like he couldn't get away from it (constantly needing to apply creams, take extra care, being nagged by his mum daily). It might feel like (to him) he's a skin condition rather than him, the person. Not criticising you at all, totally understand your point of view, but his point of view might be different. And because you're right and his mum, this could all be stuff he can't really vocalise.

However, living as he is with the young person's view that 'nothing bad can happen to me' is endangering his health.

Can you get a specialist to speak to him?

I am a diabetic, and I had much the same reaction, never really 'accepted' I was a diabetic and needed to follow certain guidelines to be healthy. I did turn myself around in my 20s but to be honest its a wonder I didn't do myself some major damage. Later on, as a nurse I was often called in to talk to people who were having problems stabilising their condition. I used to talk to them about their condition but also used to say, ok, you have diabetes, it won't go away, its time to accept it and deal with it because either it rules you or you rule it. If you don't control it, it will make you ill and you'll be in hospital constantly like you are now. Or you'll get long term complications that are really nasty. Its not easy to control but it gets easier, and its a lot less trouble than dealing with the nasties diabetes can throw at you if its not controlled.' And you know, people did turn themselves around, that was why I was called in so often.

I think someone who can get through to him needs to have a no hold barred but matter of fact conversation with him. Its just finding that person One way is to get him to talk about his options, taking the job, staying where he is, taking the job, moving. Not taking the job Taking another job, moving home etc etc and getting him to see what the consequences are. Letting him talk, not telling him what could happen. He just isn't getting that as yet. Its his life, he has to make the decisions but he needs help to discuss them rationally but with insight. Maybe he feels like there is no way he can control his condition.., he needs to know that he can and by avoiding it, its going to make things much worse for him than dealing with it. I always find appealing to a person's self interest is the best approach, and giving the sense that they can control what they are running away from.

I know this is really stressful for you, I can't imagine anything worse for a mother.

duchy

He's an adult.
Introduce him to the concept of laundrette service washes so he has clean and clothes tried away from the smoke but if he's smoking himself his clothes WILL smell of it.

Some people have to learn by consequence -unfortunately our kids have to make mistakes to learn- we can't protect them just advise

GwylimT

You can't do anything unless you want him to live with you for the rest of his life, he needs to be responsible on his own. If he wants to smoke it's his choice, if he can't be bothered to open a few windows then again, he is choosing to live in a mouldy home. If he wants to change he will, if roe doesn't want to change he won't.

savingmummy

I would suggest to him and his housemates that they either clean up, do his housemates realise his ill because of how they are living?


Its a case of let him get on with it OR he`ll have to leave and come home otherwise.

You must be so worried ;(

CH27

If being in hospital again doesn't make him change his ways then nothing you say or do will.
He's an adult & has to work things out for himself.