What do I tell my son

Pyxis

There have been some very useful things said on this thread.

I would only add that I would also advise you to keep a record of all the times you contacted your ex, or tried to contact him about your son, and what happened each time.

The reason for this is that, if at some stage he did start seeing your son, the last thing you want is for him to tell your son you would not let him have access. A written record of all your attempts to bring them together will go a long way to preventing your son from having doubts about your role in this, in the future.

Even if your ex does not ever get in touch, a record would reassure your son that you were not putting obstacles in the way, and that you had his best interests at heart.

A verbal account would not be sufficient, particularly if your ex is manipulative. A record kept over several years would mean that it was not just your word against your ex's.

This will be important, too, when your son reaches the dreaded puberty! Those churning hormones might mean he starts throwing all sorts of things at you, so a written account of your efforts will also help to calm ferocious thoughts!

Best of luck to you!

PeaceAndQuiet_2

Pyxis wrote: »

I would only add that I would also advise you to keep a record of all the times you contacted your ex, or tried to contact him about your son, and what happened each time.

Thanks Pyxis

Apart from initially, there's only that one time at Christmas which I did for my son. I know when we're not wanted and I believe it's up to my ex now.

Me and my son have the strongest bond, he knows I'd never lie to him. We'll see how the future pans out but I believe he'll trust my account of things

Pyxis

Of course!

If you can remember the earlier times you contacted him, it may be a good idea to jot them down, too.

And any attempts to contact his relatives, etc. to show you tried.

grey_lady

Your ex sounds like an ar** - a manipulative violent controlling ar** of a man. Why do you want such an ar** to be in your son's life? Your son is only going to get hurt by that.

Also - check out http://whosthemummy.co.uk/ - for a positive spin on being a single parent.

PeaceAndQuiet_2

grey_lady wrote: »

Your ex sounds like an ar** - a manipulative violent controlling ar** of a man. Why do you want such an ar** to be in your son's life? Your son is only going to get hurt by that.

Thanks Grey_lady, I will do

I don't want him in our lives, that's why I haven't been chasing him
But my son does, or shall I say he just wants a dad. My ex is not the kind of man
DS would expect his dad to be, he's probably thinking his dad is similar to me which couldn't be further away from the truth
So I do owe my son that if he asks me to get in contact I must at least try.

Pyxis

PeaceAndQuiet wrote: »

So I do owe my son that if he asks me to get in contact I must at least try.

Hear! Hear!
It's by far the best thing for your son, to show that you DID try, that you didn't put any obstacles in the way, and then he can make up his own mind about his father.
And as I said before, if by any chance the father does get back in touch at any point, there'll be nothing he can throw at you!

princeofpounds

To quite a strong degree your son will take his attitude from you. If you think it's a huge deal his Dad has no contact.....so will he . If you take the attitude that there are far worse things than having one parent ( and he's hardly the only one) and dwell on the many positives- so will he.

This is great advice by the way. Not all parents understand this.

When I was very young we had to move around a lot. My parents had iron discipline in never getting stressed about it in front of me, quite the opposite.

I never knew that moving was supposed to be a stressful thing, and actually have really good memories from it; playing in the packing boxes etc.

I am not seeking to compare that to this situation, just saying that children usually take their cues on how they are supposed to feel about things from their parents.

The one thing you are going to have to work around is feelings of abandonment. I mention that word because I think it is a good search term and it might help you to research the psychology a little and figure out the best way to frame this situation for him.

A final word; be careful about your attitude to men. I totally respect your decision to stay single for now, but don't underestimate how your son might pick up on any attitude or beliefs you might have. If you think men can't be trusted, what's that going to say to him when he realises he is becoming a man?

He may also become very used to monopolising you and your attention. This can also skew behaviours with women later in life and if you do decide to start dating when he is a teenager it might be more of a hassle.

I am not saying you display such attitudes at all - I have no idea - just something to think about. Plus I don't mean to scare you, I'm sure he will be well adjusted as most people are whatever their family structure!

Morglin

You sound a fantastic mum, and agree with others that your son likes the idea of a Dad, more than missing his actual Dad, but it sounds as though he has a few good role models anyway -male relatives and friends can sort of fill the gap.

A word of warning though - don't make your son the only joy in your life, as you need some fun, including, perhaps going out on dates with some nice blokes (some men are b*stards, but the majority are lovely people, and they don't need to be serious relationships anyway), as, in 10 years time, or less, your little boy will be wanting to be out and about with his mates and probably girls.:eek:

Nothing to do with him not having his dad, but all teenagers see their parents as boring old fogeys and are much more interested in partners and mates. :whistle:

He will want to spread his wings, and you need to have a social life of your own going on.

Best wshes.

Lin

PeaceAndQuiet_2

princeofpounds wrote: »

This is great advice by the way. Not all parents understand this.

just saying that children usually take their cues on how they are supposed to feel about things from their parents.

The one thing you are going to have to work around is feelings of abandonment. I mention that word because I think it is a good search term and it might help you to research the psychology a little and figure out the best way to frame this situation for him.

A final word; be careful about your attitude to men. I totally respect your decision to stay single for now, but don't underestimate how your son might pick up on any attitude or beliefs you might have. If you think men can't be trusted, what's that going to say to him when he realises he is becoming a man?

He may also become very used to monopolising you and your attention. This can also skew behaviours with women later in life and if you do decide to start dating when he is a teenager it might be more of a hassle.

I am not saying you display such attitudes at all - I have no idea - just something to think about. Plus I don't mean to scare you, I'm sure he will be well adjusted as most people are whatever their family structure!

Hi Princeofpounds, thank you for your time

Abandonment/rejection is what might cause issues and I'll look into it. The way things are right now, I give my son all the love possible and he picks up the rest from my family/relatives and it seems to work.

I don't mistrust all men in general, I do obviously trust my relatives and best friends to be in my son's life, just not every man. My attitude to men is positive in general and for a few bad men I've encountered I've met 10s of great ones, I work in IT and am the only woman for miles so I understand them well and get on great, we always have a laugh. It's opening your heart and giving your love out that is probably a little bit more scary for me. I don't speak badly of particular people, my son knows there are good and bad men and women, it's just life.

Regarding monopolising my attention, yes, he knows he's my number 1. Then my career and job and then everything else. I don't imagine how a child would feel knowing there's someone/thing more important then him to his parent. That's always going to remain, whether he's 6 or 66. And yes, he might expect to be no 1 to his partner, shouldn't it be that way? And then understand when children are born priorities might shift a little, again, that'll be from his experience as a child and wanting to give the love, time and affection he received himself.

PeaceAndQuiet_2

Morglin wrote: »

A word of warning though - don't make your son the only joy in your life, as you need some fun, including, perhaps going out on dates with some nice blokes (some men are b*stards, but the majority are lovely people, and they don't need to be serious relationships anyway), as, in 10 years time, or less, your little boy will be wanting to be out and about with his mates and probably girls.:eek:

Hi Lin

You're right about having multiple compartments in life and using them as and when

I have many joys in life, they come about when he's in bed or we do stuff together/with friends/family

I did have a period 18 months ago when I thought I'd like to meet someone again and went on 20+ dates after putting DS to bed and getting a babysitter. I just didn't meet anyone I liked enough to give it a go, guess I'm very picky. But I'm no nun

I have no doubt at some point in the future I'll meet someone, no idea when it'll be, I'm not looking but it'll happen since though my heart has been patched up many times it's still open just now wiser then ever.

Thank you for taking time to reply people on here have been amazing and lovely and given me food for thought and some great advice and most importantly support