What do I tell my son

PeacefulWaters

I'm a step-dad.

I've seen my step-children grow up since they were 3 and 6. Both are well into their twenties now.

One thing I insisted on early on in my marriage was that they didn't call me Dad. I was and still am a father figure. But not Dad. I thought it was right that the saw their Dad and knew who he was. They did see him, weekly at first, and as time progressed he became more unreliable and bit by bit let them down. They have nothing to do with him now. Their choice.

I raise that for two reasons.

1) Your son should know the truth, be allowed his own thoughts and given freedom (within reason) to make his own decisions.

2) As and when (if) a step-dad appears your son can have a father figure in his life without having to call him Dad.

How you give the truth is possibly an art. I wouldn't look to do a hatchet job on your son's father. "There was a big age difference, we ended up having nothing in common, we argued, split up and really don't like each other anymore".

When he asks why his Dad isn't in contact with him be honest. Tell him you don't know why. You could speculate that maybe he's a bit scared (either of being a proper Dad or seeing you again) or has tried to get on with his life. But again look to avoid the hatchet job. Your son needs to decide what kind of person his Dad is without you influencing that process unfairly.

When he asks to see his Dad be honest. Tell him that you have offered his Dad the opportunity to his son. Tell him that he hasn't replied but that you will send a letter from your son if your son wants you to. If he doesn't want to that is fine too.

You sound switched on. You sound "with it". I'm sure you'll handle the situation well each and every time it comes up. And you know it will recur and if contact with Dad does commence it will bring changes to the dynamics in your life.

Honesty, acceptance of any reasonable thoughts your son is happening and being the enabler in giving his Dad the opportunity to have contact will make you a great Mum and one that he appreciates even more as he gets older.

As for trusting men ... it will come when the right one comes along.

Good luck.

Mojisola

PeaceAndQuiet wrote: »

At least now DS knows where he stands and as hurt as he is by seeing other boys with their dads he's not being used to play games or to get back at me

Do all the other children he knows have a Mum and a Dad? In most areas, it would very unusual to be the only child in a one parent household.

lilmissreading

Have you tried googling books to explain divorce/relationship breakdowns? Sometimes they can put it in a way little ones can understand.

Congratulations on turning your life around. Yes your son is likely to be affected by his father not being interested but it doesn't have to mean it damages him beyond repair. It could be that he grows up determined never to be that kind of person himself that the absence positively influences him.

You are positively influencing him. As someone said having his father around could have ultimately been more damaging. No-one's life is perfect and often the challenges are what make us strong.

PeaceAndQuiet_2

Hi PeacefulWaters,

thank you for your input

I will be gentle with my words when it comes to his dad, after all he is his biological father and that will never change. I won't lie but no need to be vengeful or bitter, that's just not me anyway.

This has been extremely cathartic for me, I have never addressed this properly before and blocked the whole situation out pretty much. I've been too busy sorting our life out and making sure we have a bright future to stop and think. I didn't allow myself to cry since I had to be strong for my son and carry on making sure his life remains as unchanged as possible. I didn't want to tell my family members exactly what had been happening between me and my ex since I felt ashamed and weak for letting him treat me like he did.

Thank you everyone, for all your replies. It's been extremely helpful and reassuring.

In my original post I said: 'But what he could do which was the ultimate control for the rest of my life was to refuse to see my son and hurt me and him together.'.
But it's not true, I won't let him. I will deal with my son's questions as best as I can but the absence of my ex will never be the focus of my or my son's lives. I will carry on building a life for him where he'll feel loved and cared for every second of every day by many people close to him and hopefully this cloud that's hovering over us once in a while will be wiped out by all the positive things we're grateful for every day and maybe even a father figure at some point in the future.

PeaceAndQuiet_2

Mojisola wrote: »

Do all the other children he knows have a Mum and a Dad? In most areas, it would very unusual to be the only child in a one parent household.

Not sure, I'm not close to any parents at school. All of my family members are either single or in lasting albeit sometimes unhappy relationships. None of my friends have children since they're mostly my age.
But you're right, there's got to be at least a few at school

duchy

Brilliant- The comment about him controling you forever was what worried me. I'm glad you can see he only has that control if you were to give it to him....and obviously won't.

PeaceAndQuiet_2

lilmissreading wrote: »

Have you tried googling books to explain divorce/relationship breakdowns? Sometimes they can put it in a way little ones can understand.

It could be that he grows up determined never to be that kind of person himself that the absence positively influences him.

Hi Lilmissreading,

I have not but I will look into it, thanks

I never thought of that, that's the right way to look at it. My dad wasn't around a lot when I was a kid (you can see why I got involved with my ex in the first place...looking for a father figure myself) and that made me determined to NOT be like him. So yes, hopefully that'll be the way it affects my son

lilmissreading

One other thing - it's a theme from people who have been abused (in any way - emotionally, physically, financially) that they feel ashamed.

The person who behaved badly is your OH, not you. The person who should be carrying the shame is HIM and HIS behaviour. You do not have to carry HIS shame - you have done nothing wrong. Give the shame back to the person that earnt it even though they'll probably never feel it.

I would like to think you can feel pride and success in what you have accomplished. Failure isn't falling over, it's not getting up - and you have got up in style.

Your son is very lucky

kazmeister

You seem to be doing a fantastic job of bringing up your son but I can appreciate that at his age he will be wanting to do father/son things as his friends might be. Do you have someone who could act as a godfather (in name not necessarily the religious sense) to your son so that when the other children are talking about me and dad did this he would be able to talk about his godfather in the same sense. I realise this suggestion is likely to have repercussions from people who have true godfathers in the religious sense but I am only making the suggestion to try and help a small boy come to terms with his situation.
The other thing aside from this is have you made arrangements for your sons welfare should anything happen to you, perhaps a proposed guardian could help.

marisco_2

PeaceAndQuiet wrote: »

I just feel for my son, it's him who's suffering after all. And I just want to make it go away and I can't, seeing your child cry and not being able to fix it, nothing can break your heart more

It is heart breaking to watch your child struggling in this way. Keep in mind though that he opens up to you, the one constant in his life because he trusts you and feels secure enough, to not bottle up all his worries and upsets over his dad. That is a strong indication of what a confident and secure child you are raising.

Keep conversations very age appropriate, it is okay to stick to the bare minimum of facts over your split with his dad. If he asks for more information of what his dad was like then dig deep and only tell him of his positive traits. You will be enabling your son to make contact with his dad when he is older, and to form his own impressions of him. He will come to greatly respect you for that in years to come. You can only ever do your best, and it is so clear that this is what you have done, and will continue to do for your son.