What do I tell my son

Mojisola

marisco wrote: »

Keep conversations very age appropriate, it is okay to stick to the bare minimum of facts over your split with his dad. If he asks for more information of what his dad was like then dig deep and only tell him of his positive traits.

Be careful not to overdo the positive picture of his Dad otherwise he won't understand why you split up.

PeacefulWaters

Mojisola wrote: »

Be careful not to overdo the positive picture of his Dad otherwise he won't understand why you split up.

I agree that there's a balancing act.

"We didn't get on" or "We seemed to make each other unhappy" is probably more appropriate than "he was an abusive b****** who tried to stop me working and he's a sh** Dad who's never made any effort" etc.

Even if the latter is what's felt!

parrotbay

dont focus on what your son doesnt have, focus on what he does have. A mother who protected him, sacrificed a lot and struggled through hard times.

He might not have a father figure but i'm sure everyone will agree that he could have 10 parents and still not be any happier than the next child. The fact that you love and provide for him is more than enough.

xo

PeaceAndQuiet_2

lilmissreading wrote: »

One other thing - it's a theme from people who have been abused (in any way - emotionally, physically, financially) that they feel ashamed.


I would like to think you can feel pride and success in what you have accomplished. Failure isn't falling over, it's not getting up - and you have got up in style.

Your son is very lucky

Thank you lilmissreading

You do feel very ashamed at the time, it's embarrassing. But that was then, I'm no longer that person and he's taught me a thousand lessons, I'd never change any of that because I wouldn't be the person I am now if I did.

I feel proud every day, of my son, of what a kind and beautiful person he is and how he makes everyone around him smile. And how we can climb the highest mountains and swim the deepest oceans together, for each other. We're a team

PeaceAndQuiet_2

kazmeister wrote: »

Do you have someone who could act as a godfather
The other thing aside from this is have you made arrangements for your sons welfare should anything happen to you, perhaps a proposed guardian could help.

One of my best friends has pretty much taken of a father's role, my son sees him often and they do things together and always have a laugh. When DS comes home he's got this delighted look on his face and I know that's cause he had some boys time. So I'm lucky in that respect.

I have a life assurance and a will. I decided to write it for the financial purposes and since I am the only carer for my son. If anything happened he'd go to live with my sister and BIL and his cousin. She and my parents are the only people so close that they'd do that for me.
However, I did it and never thought of it again till now, I'm an upbeat person and life is good, I look after myself and believe I'll be there for DS for as long as humanly possible.

PeaceAndQuiet_2

marisco wrote: »

It is heart breaking to watch your child struggling in this way. Keep in mind though that he opens up to you, the one constant in his life because he trusts you and feels secure enough, to not bottle up all his worries and upsets over his dad. That is a strong indication of what a confident and secure child you are raising.

Thanks Marisco

He is very confident but sometimes I can see a little doubt in his eye. So then I sing to him Des'ree You've Gotta Be :rotfl:
Sounds silly but I love that song and it picks me up every time so I sing it and he laughs and I know he's hearing what he needs to hear

PeaceAndQuiet_2

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

"he was an abusive b****** who tried to stop me working and he's a sh** Dad who's never made any effort" etc.

Even if the latter is what's felt!

I'd never say that
DS knows me, he knows I do things for good reasons. He'll have to make his own mind up. He'll be shell shocked if he ever sees his father, he won't be the kind of person DS would ever imagine, he's not living the life DS is used to, he's not the positive/happy person my son would like him to be. DS will probably never understand why me and his father got together, the only thing I can say is I was young and naive and he took advantage. And thank God he did because now I have my DS, my best friend and the love of my life

Mojisola

PeaceAndQuiet wrote: »

If anything happened he'd go to live with my sister and BIL and his cousin. She and my parents are the only people so close that they'd do that for me.

Does his father have parental responsibility for him? If you died, would his father turn up and want to take on his son?

It would be worth having a letter kept with your will giving your reasons for wanting your son to stay with your sister - he has regular contact, his cousin is like a sibling to him, continuity of contact with other family members and your friends, etc.

Also worth mentioning that his father has had no contact and has not supported his son.

In the very unlikely event of your death, his father could turn up and say that you wouldn't let him have contact and forced the separation on him and that he wants to give his child a home - better to have your side of things in writing so it can be seen even after you're gone.

geoffky

Some broken things are best left broken because they did not do the job in the first place..This may be one..

PeaceAndQuiet_2

Mojisola wrote: »

Does his father have parental responsibility for him? If you died, would his father turn up and want to take on his son?

He is on my son's birth certificate.

There is a whole detailed story of events with my will
My ex could never prove that he tried to make contact because he hadn't

However, I believe it'll never come to that. He does not want his son now and would want him even less if it meant taking full responsibility of him. If that did happen, I would be turning in my grave, I made sure my family fight for my son with the best lawyers available. My ex can provide no quality of life in his squalor for my DS and would majorly affect his chances in life for sure

This has made me think I need to place even stronger protection on my son if possible in case this did happen, I'll consult my solicitor. Thank you Majisola