What do I tell my son

Seanymph

His power playing would be far worse if you were in contact with him - and he's use your son appallingly.

Your son is almost certainly better off not suffering a relationship with this man - especially as the man doesn't want one. In your shoes I wouldn't try and force one.

I would tell my child that his dad and I didn't get along, and his dad moved away. That I wasn't sure where he was, but that if ever he got in touch he could meet with him.

And I'd leave it at that.

duchy

PeaceAndQuiet wrote: »

I live by those words, it's how I got to where I am today

Thank you so much Duchy, thanks for the support, guess that's what I came here for because nobody can give me the answers

You're right, it probably was a good decision of his to stay away, maybe it was somewhat conscious even

People have said, 'what a piece of !@% for not seeing his son' and 'don't you get angry with him'. I don't think like that, I have no bad feelings for him anymore. I just feel for my son, it's him who's suffering after all. And I just want to make it go away and I can't, seeing your child cry and not being able to fix it, nothing can break your heart more

To quite a strong degree your son will take his attitude from you. If you think it's a huge deal his Dad has no contact.....so will he . If you take the attitude that there are far worse things than having one parent ( and he's hardly the only one) and dwell on the many positives- so will he.

If he is crying over this....why- what brought things to this point ? You say he is suffering....... Did something happen to bring this whole situation to the forefront with him ? After all you split up three years ago.

PeaceAndQuiet_2

sedment wrote: »

its maybe for the best that he isnt in your sons life sporadically when he fancies, feels guilty, or most recent partner kicks him out etc.

You're right Sedment, that would be worse

At least now DS knows where he stands and as hurt as he is by seeing other boys with their dads he's not being used to play games or to get back at me

PeaceAndQuiet_2

duchy wrote: »

If he is crying over this....why- what brought things to this point ? You say he is suffering....... Did something happen to bring this whole situation to the forefront with him ?

This only happened once
DS was misbehaving and that's very unusual, he's a wonderful boy to be around in general. Then he broke down and said 'I miss my dad'. It made me think that maybe he thinks about it a lot more than he lets on. We've spoken about his father maybe 5-6 times since it all has happened so it isn't often and I for once completely forget about it, like I said it isn't me who's suffering being rid of my ex.
I never talk to him about his father first, it's things like seeing parents at school/park/holiday that remind him I think

PeaceAndQuiet_2

Seanymph wrote: »

his dad moved away. That I wasn't sure where he was, but that if ever he got in touch he could meet with him.

And I'd leave it at that.

Thanks, Seanymoh

That's exactly what I've been saying
I said I didn't have a contact for him anymore, and that's the truth. And that he can/might find us if he tries.

And then I change the subject.
The problem is, it's unresolved. And God knows whether it'll ever be.

What I'm afraid for my son is the long term damage.
Will he grow up feeling rejected? Or that he wasn't worthy of his dad's love?
I'm not generally a worrier, I know there's no point. But if there could be something else I could do to soften the blow on day to day/year on year basis, I'd like to know.
Maybe someone has had a situation similar and the boy grew up completely unscathed? Is that possible?

PlymouthMaid

I also think that maybe it is a good thing this man is not in your lives. I would let sleeping dogs lie but answer your boy's inevitable questions fairly and perhaps a bit sugar coated. Talk to him about single parent families, in fact all kinds of families so he knows that it it isn't terribly unusual. I expect kids at his school are mentioning their Dad's a bit and maybe things they do with their Dads. Could you ask the males in your life to make a special effort with your boy sometimes so that he has stories to tell of playing footie etc? It is difficult to explain to him why his Dad does not want to see him so I think I would go with the not knowing where he is but leave the door open in your lad's mind in case Dad does appear.

PeaceAndQuiet_2

PlymouthMaid wrote: »

I expect kids at his school are mentioning their Dad's a bit and maybe things they do with their Dads. Could you ask the males in your life to make a special effort with your boy sometimes so that he has stories to tell of playing footie etc?

That's exactly right

Yes, most weekends my son will see at least one male from my family/friends. Just today my friend took him swimming and I know he's had a wonderful time

Don't get me wrong, he's much loved by many and a very happy boy 99% of the time

But he does remember once in a while and I know he misses him, nobody can fill that void.

I guess I've been doing the right thing by diverting his mind and answering honestly but also not telling him too much
The time will come when he'll need to know more and meet his father eventually but I'll be there for him every step of the way

Caroline_a

If your son hasn't seen his father since he was 2, I doubt if he is missing him - he is missing a father figure. His father has let him down, but he isn't old enough to truly understand that. Keep doing what you are doing, lots of little boys these days grow up without a dad, and at some time in the future you may meet someone else who can be a dad to him.

I think you are probably worrying unnecessarily. Just answer your sons questions as honestly as you can and as he grows he will eventually understand that a man who ignores his children isn't a man at all.

PeaceAndQuiet_2

Caroline_a wrote: »

he is missing a father figure. His father has let him down, but he isn't old enough to truly understand that.

I think you are probably worrying unnecessarily. Just answer your sons questions as honestly as you can and as he grows he will eventually understand that a man who ignores his children isn't a man at all.

Thank you Caroline, this has given me strength

He isn't a man at all, I know that very well

duchy

I do agree that it isn't Dad he misses-it is having a Dad figure. You seem to have the uncle/male model role situation in hand and as your son gets older (and sadly as more of his peers' parent's marriages end ) it won't be the issue you currently feel it may be.