What do I tell my son

PeaceAndQuiet_2

Hi Everyone,

I have a dilemma but before I ask the question, I'd like to give you some background

I am 26, I have the most amazing son, the light of my life and he is 6yo.

When I was 18 I met his father. He was much older than me, some 22 yrs however I didn't find out till later. The relationship was whirlwind and constantly on/off for the first six months. I was extremely young (it's funny how at the time you believe you're so grown up and know exactly what's going on) and he was much wiser, once divorced and a very damaged person. I was blind, didn't see it then. He mistreated me, once got violent and hit me, the emotional abuse was constant and horrendous, he once spat in my face in front of people to humiliate me but I kept coming back since as any woman that has been treated that way knows they have a way with 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you'. Anyway, long story short I broke up with him for good after 6 months. 2 weeks later I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant with his baby. I made the decision to keep the baby and tell him, his reaction was glee and happiness. I know now why... he then realised he had the ultimate hold of me.

We got back together and things were pretty good for a while. Or it seemed like it. He never got violent again. As years went by I realised that I didn't love him, I never did. I'd outgrown him and we had nothing in common. I tried talking, wanted to go to counselling. The answer was always 'shut up' or 'don't be ridiculous'. He refused to work on the relationship because he had my son tying him to me and the way he saw it I had to put up with it no matter how unhappy I was. I had no job, gave it up to look after my son. Had little money since his job wasn't that well paid. He'd isolated me from my friends and family, I had about 5 numbers on my phone and those were his mates or his family. I had never felt so low and scared in my whole life but something had to give.

Finally, one day at college (I studied 1 day per week which he was very against and made me feel guilty about as I was leaving my 2yo son for 6 hrs per week) one of the girls gave me a hug and said I looked constantly sad and what was the matter. I broke down and told everything. That was the moment I knew I had to leave or things would get worse. He'd already threatened he'd hit me again if I didn't stop 'making him angry'.

I came home and once my son went to sleep I told him I wanted to separate and I couldn't live like this any longer. I was afraid he'd get violent but he didn't, he just looked at me with disgust and said 'I'll hate you forever for taking my son away'. Next day he took a bag full of things and left. I never saw him again. Nor has my son.

He tried to gain the full control of me throughout our relationship and he failed, I was too strong. But what he could do which was the ultimate control for the rest of my life was to refuse to see my son and hurt me and him together.

I called, I texted, I never heard back. He never paid any money towards his son till CSA got involved, even then it was a tiny amount.

At the time I was petrified, I had no job, no money, a 3yo son and nobody to help me. He thought I'd come crawling back asking for forgiveness. I didn't. I got help, carried on with my studies, moved to a bigger city, got an amazing job and am now a management accountant of a large IT business, finishing my CIMA. Life couldn't be better, me and my son and one, twins, soul mates. He's the reason I live, every time I pick him up from school and hold his little hand in mine I'm so grateful for what God has given me.

There's only one niggle. It isn't there all the time, actually it only comes out once in a blue moon. I can provide financially for my son, I can give him the future, the travels, the comfortable life, a loving mom till my last breath. What I cannot give him is his dad. And he needs his dad. I'm single. I struggle to trust men and found it much easier to stay single, less chance of pain. If my son had a stepdad maybe he wouldn't notice so often he's in a single parent household. My heart brakes. He doesn't remember his father, he doesn't know what an awful person he is, what a bad example he'd set with his smoking, drinking and constant lies and deception. I've not told my son a single bad word abut his dad, just that one day he had to go and we don't live together.

But he's now 6, he wants to know more, he wants to see him. I texted his father last Christmas saying his son missed him and wanted to see him, I know he got the text. No reply. I'm aware he has had another son, that's 4th child by a 3rd woman.

I'm sorry this is so long, tears are running down my face as I type. I have never told anyone all of this, I just fought, carried on day by day, year by year. I'm no victim and never will be, my son is the best thing that's happened to me and I have no regrets.

But what do I tell him? How do I rectify the damage done? How do I help him feel that he wasn't unloved or rejected by his father?

Thanks for your replies everyone,
P&Q

yvonne13_2

OP Well done on moving forward in your life and situation.

Talk to your son and what you need to say will come out, he's only 6 so hold some information back and as he gets older you can fill in the rest of the information.

Nicki

Your opening post is your version of events. His dad may have a different one.

If you genuinely don't want to speak badly of the boy's father, you surely say that things didn't work out between you, that when you told his father you were leaving him he was very hurt and left the next day with just what he would carry and that you don't have a current address for him. Then you tell him the nice bits about his father which he can be proud of so that if the relationship does ever revive there are no barriers to it.

PeaceAndQuiet_2

Nicki wrote: »

Your opening post is your version of events. His dad may have a different one.

If you genuinely don't want to speak badly of the boy's father, you surely say that things didn't work out between you, that when you told his father you were leaving him he was very hurt and left the next day with just what he would carry and that you don't have a current address for him. Then you tell him the nice bits about his father which he can be proud of so that if the relationship does ever revive there are no barriers to it.

Yes, of course it's my side of the story and there's always two but I don't know what was happening in his head as he made those decisions so can only comment on what actually happened and what followed after.

I'll never say a bad word about him because he is his son and that would reflect on him, not for protecting my ex.

Thanks Nicki, I've said close to what you've mentioned

Guess I'm looking for a solution and there simply ins't once since the ball isn't in my court

duchy

You can't change or control how people behave or what they do
What you can control is how you react to their actions and if you allow it to damage you.

Your ex made choices -in some way they were ultimately good choices for your son as can you imagine your son growing up with that kind of a role model?

Most parents who seperate wish it had been happy ever after -but ultimately not every parent is capable of being a good Mum or Dad so you can wish it had been different or you can say It is what it is....good and bad and I'm certainly capable of giving my son everything he needs.

I made my son my priority after I seperated from his Dad -I didn't really date at all - but once he was older even though I definitely wasn't looking I met a man who makes me very happy-and accepts that my son is equally important to me.

If his Dad isn't interested- then that is Dad's loss...... You are everything your son needs and don't let anyone tell you anything different !

PeaceAndQuiet_2

duchy wrote: »

You can't change or control how people behave or what they do
What you can control is how you react to their actions and if you allow it to damage you.

I live by those words, it's how I got to where I am today

Thank you so much Duchy, thanks for the support, guess that's what I came here for because nobody can give me the answers

You're right, it probably was a good decision of his to stay away, maybe it was somewhat conscious even

People have said, 'what a piece of !@% for not seeing his son' and 'don't you get angry with him'. I don't think like that, I have no bad feelings for him anymore. I just feel for my son, it's him who's suffering after all. And I just want to make it go away and I can't, seeing your child cry and not being able to fix it, nothing can break your heart more

sedment

First of all, I think that you are a fab mummy for putting your sons thoughts and feelings ahead of what you feel about his father. Lots of people struggle to be neutral or nice about partners if they have split,forgetting about the little ones.
I think that your exs actions have spoke so much louder than words sadly, though, he really isnt bothered about your pride and joy. But from the sounds of it, you have tried to facilitate contact and communication.
Does your son have contact with his granny on his dads side, or uncles or friends if its a male role model that you are worried about?
Think that at this stage of his life keeping it simple and age appropriate is easiest. Something along the lines of we both loved you but mummy and daddy were better staying in different houses as we were getting cross with each other.
He wont be the only child from a single parent family, but if you were still in the same situation, would you have a sad little boy with parents who hate each other staying together so one can manipulate another ???

theoretica

If you sugar coat matters too much what happens if or when your son does meet his father? He treated you, his partner, badly, do you have any evidence he would treat his son better? I think your son deserves to know something to protect him from being manipulated as you were before he gets to an age when he might contact his father by himself.

PeaceAndQuiet_2

Hi Sedment

My son has no contact with anyone from his father's side, when we broke up they obviously took his side and I'm neither surprised nor angry, they're his family and not mine. Nobody tried calling me once apart from his daughter but later she text me saying that her dad found out and told her to choose between her half-brother and him. Never heard from her again.

He does however have a few male role models including one of my closest friends and my dad and brother in law. So it does help, he's very happy when he's around males

I grew up with parents arguing and it was one of the reasons why I separated, I didn't want to put my son through that.

Thank you Sedment

PeaceAndQuiet_2

Theoretica,

I have no idea how he'd be with my son but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I'd never let him see DS alone, not after all this time. He'd have to earn the trust

Once my son is bigger, I think he'll deserve to know most of the truth, maybe not the gory bits. He needs to know why I decided it wouldn't work and that I did try for 4 yrs.

sedment

This might sound horrible, but another way to look at it, is that its maybe for the best that he isnt in your sons life sporadically when he fancies, feels guilty, or most recent partner kicks him out etc. Your son wont be sat waiting for daddy to pick him up, or take him out for food or the park and he is sitting upset that daddy hasnt shown up, not realising that daddy is doing it to p*ss mummy off. Maybe when your boy is older he might want to meet him, or his siblings but if you can say with a clear heart that you tried to keep in touch for his sake, you can sleep easy at night.
Now before anyone jumps down my throat, I realise that 99% dads are not like this, and grateful to see and spend time with their children. But this chap just isnt like this by the sound of it.