Friend dilemma over small amount of money

Tixy

thereby suggesting that I am to be expected to have her son throughout the rest of the summer, I really don't mind doing this but as I work too, I now feel a little trapped in that if we have a day together as a family were not going to be able to plan anything as I will probably be having her son.

Regarding the childcare and summer holidays I would definitely talk to her about this.
It is unfair and unreasonable for her to expect you to have her son for the vast majority of the holiday (especially without it being discussed).

I definitely wouldn't agree to have him every day. You want some quality time with just your family.

If you now feel trapped or awkward I would probably bring it up by asking her if she would like you to have her son for a couple of days a week during the school holidays and if so suggest that you need to get together so you can let her know which days you could help her out.
That way it is clear you are doing her a favour and that you don't mind having him sometimes, but that you are not prepared to have him everyday.

quidsy

wow I just booked 10 days at a kids club over the summer hols form y ds & it is costing me in excess of 300 quid so she is getting a real bargain with you so to quibble over a few pounds makes her sound very petty.

I would def just ask casually next time you see her what her childcare plans are for the holidays. If someone expected me to provide FT childcare I would be expecting money in return.

arbroath_lass

milliemonster wrote: »

Yesterday spent the day shopping with a good friend (our 2 boys are at school together), I owed her £6 from some shopping she did for me a few days ago so I offered to buy her lunch yesterday which she was happy with.

I suppose it depends on what you said to her? Did you let her know you were paying for lunch instead of paying her the £6 or did you just offer to buy her lunch?

Also do you normally just split the bill or pay your own? If you pay your own I'd say she's right but if you normally just split it then you were right!

Do you borrow money (even just small amounts) from her frequently? She could be getting fed up of that even though you repay it.

sulphate

milliemonster wrote: »

Thanks for everyone's thoughts I really do appreciate it and it does show there is a wide variation in what people think!, to set the record straight, I have my friends son for no money, I have never asked for any and never would and to be fair this was never an arrangement that was made, she took a job on without even asking if I would help her out, just sort of expected that I would, so it's become the norm really, I don't mind but I do work shifts myself so sometimes it can be a bit difficult. It's now got to the point that with the summer holidays coming up, she has asked me which week we are going on holiday so she can make sure she books that week off work, thereby suggesting that I am to be expected to have her son throughout the rest of the summer, I really don't mind doing this but as I work too, I now feel a little trapped in that if we have a day together as a family were not going to be able to plan anything as I will probably be having her son. I wouldn't have minded if she'd discussed this possibility with me before taking this job, but she didn't. Anyway, what's done is done, I can't see the poor boy without anyone to look after him.

Also just to add, she is going on holiday in July and their flights are during the night, she has asked me if we would take them to the airport and pick them up again, the airport is 20 miles away and we are both working the next day, but I'm the kind of person that will go out of my way to help my friends if I can, I guess this was why I felt a bit annoyed the way she spoke to me yesterday over the sake of a couple of pounds.

Sometimes neither of us have the ready cash to pay for things so we give and take with each other, I sometimes pay and never nag for her to pay me back, she always does in her own time and it's never a problem, so that's why I was a Little taken aback on this occasion as immediately we left the cafe we went straight to the cashpoint and her curtness at this point did upset me I'll admit. Whenever we go out together I am usually the one who drives, she doesn't normally offer to split the petrol money, pay for parking or whatever, on this occasion she wanted me to drive again but I couldn't find my keys at the last minute so asked if she would mind.

Also just to be clear I hadn't offered to buy her lunch just for the sake of it, it was very clear that this was instead of giving her the £6 back.

But all the same, I just assumed I had the kind of relationship with my good friend that there was give and take and we didn't have to be worrying about splitting every penny equally, obviously I was wrong about that so I will know for future.

Sounds like your friend is taking advantage not you.

If I looked after my friend's child for free and she got narky with me over the sake of a few quid, I'd tell her that she owes me, not the other way round!

purpleshoes_2

Skinto_7 wrote: »

Buzzy,

I would think the fact there are numerous different posts on here all with different opinions would highlight the fact that she doesnt "Clearly" owe her £13.45.

If you were out for a meal and something happened that resulted in your meal being given for free, would you refuse to pay a portion of the bill and take the full saving as it was your meal? I find that really strange, i would guess most people would still split the bill equally amongsr the group.

Quite. I think it gets confusing because the OP owed 6 pounds, the friend got a free meal and the OP didn't pay for their friends meal, she paid for her drinks and gave her the change from the tenner.


So the friend got her drinks paid for, the change from the tenner given over and a free meal.


I think it would have been much simpler if the OP had just given her friend the 6 quid back and then when they went for lunch they could have done what they wanted from there on in.


I don't like owing people cash, if Im out with a friend and for any reason they need to pay anything for me, I'll do the same for them as soon as I can, but I cant ever think of a situation where any of us have been sitting down arguing about whether someone owes the other £3 or not.


To be honest, when someone is upset about £3, Id say its not that that's bothering them, unless that £3 is their last £3 in the world, it's probably something else that's annoyed her.


The bigger picture is, if the OP feels that she does a lot for her friend and feels like shes not being appreciated, its down to her to speak out about that and try and resolve it. There really isn't any point in making a rod for your own back on that one.


OP, if you don't want to get up in the middle of the night and take her to the airport, you don't need to. If you want a share of petrol or parking money, ask for it. I think what's coming across is that you feel that you give a lot and on the one time where you owed her a couple of quid, she had an issue with it, if there is an imbalance, then sort it out. If you don't, you'll just end up feeling resentful.


Or, accept that its probably going to be like this on an ongoing basis.

PasturesNew

milliemonster wrote: »

... to set the record straight, ...

OK, so it's the mate that's the user .... you need to start backing off and making sureyou don't get caught out. When you go out with her always only ever have "just enough" cash for what you expect to buy, splitting it up across a few pockets so you've always "just got enough" .... and can "ooh, that's handy, didn't know I had that" as you tap the other pockets.

For the looking after in the holidays I'd pretend I had different/more shifts at work etc.... she's taking the pee really.

I'd forget about the one incident that started the thread and start keeping my distance from this person who sees you as a doormat really ... and put yourself into a position where you're just a good friend and no longer a doormat.

Buzzybee90

Skinto_7 wrote: »

Buzzy,

I would think the fact there are numerous different posts on here all with different opinions would highlight the fact that she doesnt "Clearly" owe her £13.45.

If you were out for a meal and something happened that resulted in your meal being given for free, would you refuse to pay a portion of the bill and take the full saving as it was your meal? I find that really strange, i would guess most people would still split the bill equally amongsr the group.

But this wasnt an evening meal, I'm picturing a debenhams type situation - I wouldn't split the bill for something like that. Perhaps it was a meal meal, but as it was so cheap I assumed not. Sorry for not reading the full thread, I dipped in on tea break.

To be honest, I'm not sure about the evening meal - luckily never had to send food back!

All my friends and I always add up what we ordered.

Edit: just seen the 7.45 including the friends drink and now I'm just too confused..! I will take back my comments and read properly after work!

Gigervamp

Oh, and the airport thing... I'd just say that you're sorry, but you and OH have both got work the next day so you can't do it.

arbroath_lass

milliemonster wrote: »

Thanks for everyone's thoughts I really do appreciate it and it does show there is a wide variation in what people think!, to set the record straight, I have my friends son for no money, I have never asked for any and never would and to be fair this was never an arrangement that was made, she took a job on without even asking if I would help her out, just sort of expected that I would, so it's become the norm really, I don't mind but I do work shifts myself so sometimes it can be a bit difficult. It's now got to the point that with the summer holidays coming up, she has asked me which week we are going on holiday so she can make sure she books that week off work, thereby suggesting that I am to be expected to have her son throughout the rest of the summer, I really don't mind doing this but as I work too, I now feel a little trapped in that if we have a day together as a family were not going to be able to plan anything as I will probably be having her son. I wouldn't have minded if she'd discussed this possibility with me before taking this job, but she didn't. Anyway, what's done is done, I can't see the poor boy without anyone to look after him.

Also just to add, she is going on holiday in July and their flights are during the night, she has asked me if we would take them to the airport and pick them up again, the airport is 20 miles away and we are both working the next day, but I'm the kind of person that will go out of my way to help my friends if I can, I guess this was why I felt a bit annoyed the way she spoke to me yesterday over the sake of a couple of pounds.

Sometimes neither of us have the ready cash to pay for things so we give and take with each other, I sometimes pay and never nag for her to pay me back, she always does in her own time and it's never a problem, so that's why I was a Little taken aback on this occasion as immediately we left the cafe we went straight to the cashpoint and her curtness at this point did upset me I'll admit. Whenever we go out together I am usually the one who drives, she doesn't normally offer to split the petrol money, pay for parking or whatever, on this occasion she wanted me to drive again but I couldn't find my keys at the last minute so asked if she would mind.

Also just to be clear I hadn't offered to buy her lunch just for the sake of it, it was very clear that this was instead of giving her the £6 back.

But all the same, I just assumed I had the kind of relationship with my good friend that there was give and take and we didn't have to be worrying about splitting every penny equally, obviously I was wrong about that so I will know for future.

Sorry I posted above before I realised there was more than one page!

I think the childminding and the money are different issues you do need to stop being a doormat. This "friend" is taking advantage. You keep saying you don't mind but you obviously do. Can you not just say now you are working it is not possible to look after her son regularly and she will need to make other arrangements (give her a few weeks to do it).

DON'T take her to the airport there must be plenty of local companies offering this service.

I do, however, think that once you start saying no you won't see her for dust. Maybe you think the friendship is worth that?

onlyroz

quidsy wrote: »

wow I just booked 10 days at a kids club over the summer hols form y ds & it is costing me in excess of 300 quid so she is getting a real bargain with you so to quibble over a few pounds makes her sound very petty.

Yes, our holiday club charges £23 a day and I'm expecting to need around 10 days over the summer - so that would be £460 total for two kids.