Bit of a rant - A quiet engagement?!?!

VickyVics

I can understand you not being big social types and not wanting to make it into a huge thing as myself and my husband were the same. He proposed whilst we were away just the two of us. Then we came back and told our family we were engaged. I must say I would have been a bit upset at not being able to tell my family as, even though we had a small intimate wedding, I did want the experience of buying my wedding dress with my mum etc. If it is something you feel strongly about then I would say have a word with your partner to find a compromise. I also think my parents would have been quite upset at not seeing me get married. My dad was so unbelievably proud to walk me down the aisle and even though we had a very low key wedding it is the only time I have ever seen him cry!!!

TBagpuss

I agree- this is something you need to discuss - quite apart from anything else, you need to make sure that the two of you can communicate effectively and work out ways of resolving differences between you, if you are thinking of getting married!

In terms of the proposal - if he feels that it's cliched to go down on one knee, he's probably not going to do it that way. Try to remember that this is about someone deciding they want to spend their life with you, not about he way the question is asked. I's reasonable for you to tell him that you would like there to be something special for you to remember, but don't demand red roses etc if he isn't comfortable with that - this is about both of you, so be prepared to compromise.

Same with the wedding - he wants an elopement, you want a bger wedding. Sit down and discuss which pats of the wedding are most important to each of you, and which things in particular each of you dislikes or wants to avoid, and work from there.

You dot have to have the big, loud stag do / hen party if you don't want to. My sister's 'hen party' was a group of us going to a hotel for a spa day, for instance - very low-key, no L plates or tiaras.

Similarly with the wedding - you could have a small ceremony with just immediate family, it doesn't have to be a massive production. Talk to him about why he doesn't want that - does he feel it is a waste of money?, is he nervous about standing up in front of a church / function room full of people?

If you are close enough to be thinking about marriage, you ought to be able to talk honestly about what is important to each of you, and to be willing to compromise so that even if neither of you gets *everything* you want, you each get some of what you want, and neither has to live with something they really object to.

peachyprice

Just because you get engaged it doesn't mean you have to do anything, I can understand that, there's no need for a party or get together or anything really, just tell people as you see them in a 'oh by the way we got engaged' way.

But to get engaged and keep it secret is just peculiar. Why bother if you're not allowed to tell anyone? What are you supposed to say if anyone asks why you're wearing a ring? Are you even allowed to wear the ring in public?

wannabe_credit_free

My sisters only daughter eloped and called her mum, who was shopping in Sainsburys, to tell her the deed was done. My sister was very hurt and said she felt cheated. I would too..:(

BigAunty

What ever suits you both is best but clearly his ideas don't chime with you. The secrecy and exclusion of your family is keeping it far beyond something small and quiet and is almost purposely anti-social.

My friends got married quietly with very close family at the local registry office and then notified everyone else afterwards, announcing it with pictures on Facebook, promising a party later on. They later held an afternoon event in their house, a simple buffet and a couple of short speeches. Beautiful idea.

Again, another set of friends announced their intention to marry on Facebook, notifying their friends it would be a very small wedding and hoping no-one would be offended.

It worked for them, cheap, simple and quiet but meaningful to them.

sterl1ng

~Beanie~ wrote: »

Does that mean that you won't be able to wear your ring? Or will you have to try and remember to take it off everytime there is a chance of seeing someone you know?

I'm all for the quiet engagement (I had one) but not the keeping it secret until the wedding part, I don't see how that would work! I didn't bother with any celebration or party, just bought a ring and then told people it was done.

No he says I could wear the engagement ring and if people ask they ask - urm excuse me buy my family and his family aren't just people - they should be told not just spot my ring. I'm all for a quiet wedding but seems silly to not share such good news of engagement. So when I'm pregnant I should tell too and just let people wonder if I've just gained a few pounds or am indeed preggers? I mean really - such wonderful news I want to share :j

As for wedding date - we aren't engaged and with the way he's behaving I'm thinking 12th of never!

Georgiegirl256

sterl1ng wrote: »

OH and I were talking marriage earlier today, his sister recently got engaged which made us think or me more so! He's thinking he would prefer a quiet engagement (so just him and I know - he'll get me ring but we don't tell anyone) then once we get married to tell our family then. I absolutely hate the idea of this but we aren't big social types and whilst we don't have friends for those stag/hen dos I would still want my immediate family involved so to keep quiet before 'big day' sounds bit of a joke to me or am I being a drama queen?:

This is sort of what we did. We told our parents (couldn't of got married without them there ) but didn't tell anyone else....apart from the MIL told DH's brothers even though we didn't really want her too.

We're not fans of a big fuss either, hence doing it the way we did, everyone understood, and everyone was like good for you for doing it the way you wanted to.

The difference between us and you and your partner though is that we were both in agreement to how we wanted our wedding to be, and also we didn't hide our engagement....that does seem abit unusual perhaps, although I can kinda see why your partner would want to do that if he hates attention.

You really need to make your feelings known to him and try and come to some sort of compromise if you can.

BugglyB

Its all a bit vague at the moment, I think it might be helpful to find out exactly what it is that he doesn't like/want. What does cringe at in his imagination? Is it

- the idea of people 'squealing' and crying and hugging him (in which case can you tell them over the phone and then visit when they have had chance to calm down?)

- lots of people all looking at him (in which case can you tell them all individually or just in couples)

- lots of questions about the wedding and marriage which he still feels fearful about (in which case can you 'pop in' for 10 mins to tell people and then leave before it gets too much)

Perhaps if he voices his fears it might seem a bit more manageable to him.

Gloomendoom

We told our immediate family and friends but that didn't result in any noticeable fuss.

Did we miss out on something?

seashore22

I've heard various approaches to engagement and marriage in my time, but your boyfriends takes some beating OP. There is a huge gap between being proposed to on bended knee and having all the bells and whistles, and keeping it a dirty secret. I would be very upset in your situation.

Does he say why he feels like this, because I would need some explanation in your position? How long would you be engaged for?

I do think proposing on bended knee is a bit cringe worthy, so I do agree with him on that point. I had a lovely proposal 30 years ago and no knee bending was necessary, however we did the rounds of all our friends and family as soon as humanly possible to share the exciting news. I still remember it vividly now.