Bit of a rant - A quiet engagement?!?!

JIL

Me and the oh can't remember when we decided to get married. There was no proposal as such just a chat like yours. I do remember him saying that he would buy me a ring if I wanted one. I remember saying could we just spend the money on a honeymoon instead as I had never been abroad.
We have been married for nearly thirty years and I have never regretted it.
We did have a big wedding though and there was lots of influence from both families, lots of regrets there. Mostly that we didn't have the wedding we wanted. Its made us both resolve that when and if our children marry, we will congratulate them and advise them to have the wedding they want.
Have the discussion with your partner and decide what you both want and good luck.

maman

sterl1ng wrote: »

No he says I could wear the engagement ring and if people ask they ask - urm excuse me buy my family and his family aren't just people - they should be told not just spot my ring.

As for wedding date - we aren't engaged and with the way he's behaving I'm thinking 12th of never!

sterl1ng wrote: »

Hi just to be clear we are not engaged as he hasn't asked me, but if he did sounds like its low key, which fine with as don't want fuss but be nice to tell folks.

It seems odd that you've discussed getting engaged but waiting for him to ask you?


It may be just a turn of phrase but 'he says I could wear the engagement ring' sounds very strange to me. How magnanimous of him!!


To be honest I'm not sure he's ready. I'd just leave it for now unless your next conversation makes more sense than the one you've had.

Peater

I get where he's coming from, he's just been a bit clumsy about it.

He wants this to be about you and him, and that alone. The secrecy seems a bit extreme, but I guess his fear is that your quiet, intimate marriage will be railroaded by the wishes of your collective families. I've seen it happen with my sister. She had the wedding MY PARENTS wanted...... It was a great day, but the 9 month run-up was hideous.

Or

This is a test and he's feeling you out for potential Bridezilla tendancies. I certainly wouldn't want to get hitched to someone who was prepared to waste upwards of £10/15k on a wedding. It's so ridiculous.

My preference would be a secret/private ceremony followed by an announcement and a party for family/friends at a later date. I know that would upset a few people (my mother in particular) who are suckers for tradition.

You need to tell him your wishes and find a compromise.

somyagilberts

That's bad.You should at least told your first family.Well you should talk to your OH that how you feeling about that. May be a discussion help you both in taking a good decision.

FBaby

Is his issues with them knowing or telling them? Surely they will see the ring and then know, so what's the difference?

My husband didn't tell his family he was asking me to marry him (but knew they would be over the moon). We stopped at their house after our week-end away and I just sat there, my hand on display...it still took about 15 minutes before his mum screamed and asked if it was what she thought. It was quite fun to see her reaction.

If he wants to keep it totally quiet, is it because he is worried they will get involved in the wedding plans? That would be a good reason, but will he asks you to take the ring off when you visit them?

PasturesNew

Sounds like he's got another bird on the go .... that's the only reason for a secret engagement ... already got a fiance/wife.

The LEAST compromise acceptable to me would be a ring and a wedding date agreed .... and being able to wear/show the ring and tell people.

Is he ashamed of you?

Peater

PasturesNew wrote: »

Sounds like he's got another bird on the go .... that's the only reason for a secret engagement ... already got a fiance/wife.

Obviously.............

DevilsAdvocate1

Perhaps he doesn't want to get engaged at all but thinks he'll lose you if he doesn't get engaged. So keep it between the two of you only and that way it still isn't real. But you are happy as you think you are engaged.

I think it would be very hurtful to you families to find out after the event.

maman

Peater wrote: »

I get where he's coming from, he's just been a bit clumsy about it.

He wants this to be about you and him, and that alone. The secrecy seems a bit extreme, but I guess his fear is that your quiet, intimate marriage will be railroaded by the wishes of your collective families. I've seen it happen with my sister. She had the wedding MY PARENTS wanted...... It was a great day, but the 9 month run-up was hideous.

Or

This is a test and he's feeling you out for potential Bridezilla tendancies. I certainly wouldn't want to get hitched to someone who was prepared to waste upwards of £10/15k on a wedding. It's so ridiculous.

My preference would be a secret/private ceremony followed by an announcement and a party for family/friends at a later date. I know that would upset a few people (my mother in particular) who are suckers for tradition.

.

Or OP's got a bit envious his sister's engagement and keeps talking about it and he's agreed to a 'pretend' one just to shut her up.


The possibilities are endless.


Perhaps when they've had 'the conversation' she'll be back to tell us the next instalment.

Mojisola

Person_one wrote: »

First of all, an 'engagement' is just the period of time between you both agreeing that you're going to marry each other and actually getting married. It sounds like you've both agreed you're going to marry, so really you're already engaged.

Rings, proposals, engagement parties, stag and hen dos, none of this is compulsory.

Its perfectly possible to agree that you're going to marry each other, tell the people you want to tell, and then just carry on with your normal life. What does he think will happen that will be so terrible if you tell your family, who you clearly love, that you are getting married?

This is what we did - we told family and friends that we were going to get married but we never used the word "engaged" although, as Person_one says, I suppose we were technically engaged.

I would worry about the future of a relationship when the couple don't seem to able to talk about a big issue like this one.