Bit of a rant - A quiet engagement?!?!

sterl1ng

OH and I were talking marriage earlier today, his sister recently got engaged which made us think or me more so! He's thinking he would prefer a quiet engagement (so just him and I know - he'll get me ring but we don't tell anyone) then once we get married to tell our family then. I absolutely hate the idea of this but we aren't big social types and whilst we don't have friends for those stag/hen dos I would still want my immediate family involved so to keep quiet before 'big day' sounds bit of a joke to me or am I being a drama queen?

He thinks its too cliche to propose on bended knee to then share the news with loved ones - the way his sister's fiancee did with her on birthday (I though it was sweet! The guy even asked her father persmission - how lovely is that). I'm not fussed him doing the bended knee thing but I don't want to hide an engagement to then almost just skulk off on our big day to then let family know. Seems very sad to me. :mad:

Anatidaephobia

Did you tell him how you feel, and did you discuss it properly together?

It is possible to have a quiet engagement without stag/hen do's while still involving your family and close friends. It can be a low key engagement without being a complete secret.

tillyenna

The Boss didn't propose on bended knee (that would have been weird for us) and although we are having a big wedding, that's because our families want it, not because we do. I hate to say it, but if he really is The One, then surely the wedding shouldn't matter at all - it's the marriage that is important.

maman

I can understand that your OH might not want a big fuss but what matters is that what he's proposing (excuse the pun;)) isn't what you want. I'd suggest you have another talk and come some sort of compromise. Do you have a wedding date in mind? Perhaps you could just announce to close family and friends that you're planning to get married and dispense with an engagement?

sterl1ng

It was a quick discussion. I would probably do something with my sisters/mum and maybe invite his mum and sister as I get on with them too. I'll probably talk to him bit more about it but even given I'm a quiet individual who is generally quite reserved until I really know someone I wouldn't want our own families to be in the dark until the 'wedding' day. I think if it was up to him he'd elope. Its all very hush hush and I don't liek that style becuase I can't help but feel it shows no consideration to our families.

~Beanie~

Does that mean that you won't be able to wear your ring? Or will you have to try and remember to take it off everytime there is a chance of seeing someone you know?

I'm all for the quiet engagement (I had one) but not the keeping it secret until the wedding part, I don't see how that would work! I didn't bother with any celebration or party, just bought a ring and then told people it was done.

Anatidaephobia

sterl1ng wrote: »

It was a quick discussion. I would probably do something with my sisters/mum and maybe invite his mum and sister as I get on with them too. I'll probably talk to him bit more about it but even given I'm a quiet individual who is generally quite reserved until I really know someone I wouldn't want our own families to be in the dark until the 'wedding' day. I think if it was up to him he'd elope. Its all very hush hush and I don't liek that style becuase I can't help but feel it shows no consideration to our families.

Sounds like you need to have a proper talk about it and find a compromise.

burnoutbabe

not telling anyone sounds a bit strange UNLESS its immediately followed by a booking for vegas/gretna green/venue of choice so quiet low key wedding is planned.

We didn't do anything for our engagement as such bar announce it and get some congrats, and some cards and then things went back to normal.

I'd be concerned if he didn't want to tell anyone to be honest.

Anatidaephobia

~Beanie~ wrote: »

Does that mean that you won't be able to wear your ring? Or will you have to try and remember to take it off everytime there is a chance of seeing someone you know?

I'm all for the quiet engagement (I had one) but not the keeping it secret until the wedding part, I don't see how that would work!

I agree, complete secrecy seems very extreme and also unrealistic. I'm sure the OP and her partner can find a happy medium.

CreditCrunchie

Men are useless at this sort of thing. He probably doesn't mean to hurt your feelings or seem insincere, or not as excited as he should be etc. He just isn't sure the best way to go about things. All he's got to go on is what HE thinks and feels, unless you tell him otherwise. My advice would be to tell him how you feel, and tell him what YOU want. Not as in, I want this or else, but just get your feelings out there and let the discussion go from there.

If he still wants to keep it completely secret I'd be concerned. people say it's the marriage/ proposal that's important, but let's be honest here, unless you're devoutly religious, the POINT of marriage/ engagement is to announce to the world that you are officially 'together'. It's just about the biggest public announcement you can make. If that's not what he wants, why is he asking? x

sterl1ng

maman wrote: »

I can understand that your OH might not want a big fuss but what matters is that what he's proposing (excuse the pun;)) isn't what you want. I'd suggest you have another talk and come some sort of compromise. Do you have a wedding date in mind? Perhaps you could just announce to close family and friends that you're planning to get married and dispense with an engagement?

That's just it though, he's not fussed about us announcing it to anyone! I'm not after a huge fuss but I would like to share news we are enggaged at least. He even said to me if I really wanted him to propose on bended knee but I said I'm not fussed as I find that cheesy but its a big thing for me an engagement to get married. Men!!!!