Nervous as to what to say!!!!!

theoretica

Grumpygit wrote: »

I still say hitting back isn't wrong unless of course the children are retaliating with extreme violence and using weapons.....that is very wrong and I appreciate that sounds a bit hypocritical but a punch for a punch is nothing

This surely is a key point - if the bully and hitter-back are both 7 years old it is fairly likely they won't damage each other permanently. If a 15 year old bully is pushed back might he draw a knife? For it to be a punch for a punch exchange you need to know the other side will 'play fair', and if they are a bully, will they?

FBaby

Also, we are not "teaching" her to hit back, we are just saying if someone hits you...... hit them back

But that's exactly the point, you didn't say that he had hit her but annoyed her yet she retaliated with physical violence, ok, not in the face, but still physically.

That's the problem with telling children that it is ok to 'hit back', because in their immature mind, it can easily mean, as long as you think it is justify, it is ok. So you get those situation when they hit, but it is not hit back, or you could have a child who pushes a bit by accident (pushed by another kid) that could result in a pushing even harder and causing injuries.

This is why I don't believe in teaching kids that it is ok to do that, much better to teach them mechanisms to not get involved, because ultimately, bullies will give attention to those who give them some back. No reaction will not meet their need for the attention they are usually craving.

FBaby

If schools are not dealing with bullies effectively then parents needs to take appropriate steps. I get so frustrated when I hear other parents talking about how bad the schools are at dealing with things, yet barely a handful ever contact governors or take it further.

Because I think in many instances (not all), the kid who claims to be bullied is a bully too with both lot of parents considering their child to be the victim and the other the aggressor, when teachers and Head often see two children, provoking each other back and forth, then reacting and crying victim in the instance where he/she is. Kids and parents see the invidual instances, teachers/Head see a pattern of incidents.

julie8314dave

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the positive comments & the not so positive,
We went into see head teacher, she also had her deputy with her, all was very calm, it seems that some of the occurrences had not been reported by staff/teachers/lunch time supervisors.

However we trundled on, she spoke quite calmly telling us that my sons behavior had gone downhill in the last couple of days and were we aware?

We explained that the incident with this boy had really upset him and that as far as we know would be the only thing we knew, ds can be quite sensitive at times.

We asked what will happen, she said she is going to pull both boys in and tell them that it is unacceptable on both sides.

She has given my son a contact book to record his play times in, she also said that my son is not concentrating enough to get through his stats. She had admitted loosing 3 of this classes teachers in the last 3 years has had a knock on effect of some of the children.

She was very apologetic about the way it had been handled and hoped that my son can now enjoy the rest of his time there.

Friday evening we had a call from deputy head to say that our son had a great day in school and had done really well in his mock sats, so i suppose its a step forward, we will have to wait and see what happens.

BUT (BIG BUT) We have not changed our view on telling our son that if some one wallops him he is to hit them back judo or no judo, my son does know that he is not allowed to use this outside of his judo but there are other way of using it safely.

So sorry to the posters that do not agree with the majority of us telling our kids this, but nothing will change my views on this.
On a lighter note thanks to everyone and i hope you all have a lovely weekend x

Grumpygit

Hi Julie

That's good to hear that it will be sorted out for you and your son and I hope that he enjoys school now.

"Because I think in many instances (not all), the kid who claims to be bullied is a bully too with both lot of parents considering their child to be the victim and the other the aggressor, when teachers and Head often see two children, provoking each other back and forth, then reacting and crying victim in the instance where he/she is. Kids and parents see the invidual instances, teachers/Head see a pattern of incidents."

This is down to common sense which is, unfortunately, a thing of the past in this era....I appreciate that teachers can't be everywhere and see everything but surely they must know their pupils and what they are like normally so as to gauge whether there is a pattern of this behaviour or if they are just isolated incidents?

However........currently, there is no right or wrong answer other than the basic one........we all wish bullying didn't happen - which I am sure everyone would agree with

Morglin

I told my kids to always wallop back (but never first), which they did, and therefore never got bullied, but never got involved with any debate with teachers about it.

Lin

z.n

Sometimes the only option to deal with a bully is to physically better them in a calm and considered way. This does not mean flying off the handle and swinging punches-for example,in the case of equally sized children, simply step forward into their 'zone' and keep moving forward. Or take the opportunity to make an extra firm tackle in games. Or calmly go to a teacher and complain. The key is to find a way to stay calm in the face of provocation.

Advice to just hit back is completely mistaken IMO- the aim should be for the child to stay calm enough to assess the necessary course of action. Then, as a parent, or indeed as a teacher, I think one has to trust their judgement of what is required to resolve a direct confrontation between equal peers in the heat of the moment (so long as no-one actually gets hurt.) Sometimes it is just a pecking order issue and no need for adults to intervene if the matter resolves.

Participation in a contact sport where control or keeping within the rules is required is a very good way of learning this skill. I think OP son did exactly the right thing to put the aggressor on the ground- a very good decision which protected himself and did not compromise the safety of the other child. He has made it clear to all the other boys he is not to be messed with-but that he can be trusted. That should stand him in good stead as he goes on to secondary. The unfortunate fuss made by the teacher is a very small price to pay and I hope he is not worrying about it.

Serious bullies (with genuine personal problems) and girls are a different story though.