Nervous as to what to say!!!!!

julie8314dave

Hi, I made an appointment to see my sons head teacher (ms) for today after school i am getting a bit apprehensive now.

My son is in year 6, so only a few months left before he leaves (thank god).

In the past three years i feel that the school has failed there class as they have had three of there teachers leave in the last three years. They have has lots of supply teachers, there last one left at easter right before sats.

However my son and classmates have at one time or another had trouble with this particular boy, he is always starting trying to start fights or arguments within the class, it was my sons turn (if you like) to bear the brunt of this child, he punched my son as he was walking past, so my son gave him a shove back.
Whether this is wrong or right we have told our son not to fear bullies and if anyone punches kicks etc to hit them back.

However when my son done this before he got called over and was shouted at by head teacher that this was wrong, my son explained calmly that she would have to speak to his parents as we had told him it was ok, she bawled him out about rules etc. i rang the school she told me that my son had admitted that is what he had said.

However my son came home from school on Friday very upset and told us that he had trouble with this boy again, he attacked him from behind, my son turned round and pushed him on the floor (he does judo) then landed on him, once again my son is in trouble.

I spoke to the head and asked what was being done about it as my son is totally fed up with the school and being bawled out for defending himself. he really can not wait to leave.
Also she was shouting at my son yesterday "i will make sure this goes on your record and will show your new school this will follow you around" i know records do go but i think her saying that to him was a bit extreme?

I also add that i have tried inviting this boy round to the house but the language etc is appalling.
Now when i go into the school with hubby, not sure what to say or throw at her (not literally) lol
any suggestions please.

Gigglepig

Sorry but I don't think going in guns blazing will help your son, as the school is unlikely to see judo as a legit form of dispute resolution. If it was me I would apologise for having taught him to retalliate rather than respond in a more constructive and mature way, and ask them nicely not to hold it against him.

Eta - i would also point out that the other boy instigated the trouble. Sorry for your boy being picked on but I don't think the school will accept physical retalliation as being ok no matter what you say, so I would try another strategy.

balletshoes

hmm - i'm going to be brutally honest here - your son isn't completely blameless, going on what you've said here.

However, having said that, what do you want to achieve from the meeting with the Head? Thats what you need to focus on, and you both (you and your OH) need to stay calm throughout the meeting - if either of you come across as hysterical or aggressive the Head may switch off and not take you seriously.

If you think it would help, write down the facts of the situations and take them with you into the meeting.

b_girl

I agree with Gigglepig. Though the boy was in the wrong to push or hit your son, unfortunately your son will now been seen as equally in the wrong for hitting back. I think it's difficult from the schools point of view because they're trying to enforce rules (i.e. no violence) while you are saying the opposite.

Also, I don't think that the school has failed the class due to staff turnover, it's not their fault that teachers have decided to leave and I'm sure if they had the choice they would want a permanent member of staff teaching.

If I was you I'd see what can be done about the bully but I think you need to work together with the school and stop encouraging your son to hit back as it'll just follow him throughout his school life and cause problems in the future. No school would see it as ok for a child to hit back.

julie8314dave

May i just add if my son is in school going about his usual day not annoying anyone, keeping himself to himself, i will also add that my son is not aggresive in any way, gets on well with everyone and does not normally do this, what is he supposed to say, thanks for punching me in the stomach, thanks for attacking me from behind please do it again because i liked it first time round, no i dont think so

b_girl

julie8314dave wrote: »

May i just add if my son is in school going about his usual day not annoying anyone, keeping himself to himself, i will also add that my son is not aggresive in any way, gets on well with everyone and does not normally do this, what is he supposed to say, thanks for punching me in the stomach, thanks for attacking me from behind please do it again because i liked it first time round, no i dont think so

The usual thing would be to tell an adult so the bully is the only one who gets into trouble. Hitting back will always get your son into trouble too I'm afraid, there's not much that can be done about that.

marisco_2

How things change. When I was your sons age I had a class teacher, who actively encouraged kids to defend themselves against bullies, just as you have been doing with your son. I think he may have questioned the wisdom of this when he instilled this in me though . A wrong aimed punch resulted in me flooring the wrong girl, as a line of kids filtered past me to get their maths marked. I did get the right one on sports day, and winded my bully just before the same class teacher sent her off to do a race :rotfl: End result was Steph the pest never bothered me again!

I now work as a teacher myself and have to say, that I don't encourage kids to retaliate in a physical manner, if they come up against a bully. A school cannot be seen to back violence or aggression, no matter if it has been incited by someone. Go in and talk to the class teacher and agree on preferred methods of handling this situation from now on. Ideally the school should have addressed the problems this other child has been causing, and be able to give reassurances about how they will be managing him.

Gigglepig

Reacting in this manner will not help your son to succeed in school/life.
Picture a well educated, successful, law-abiding adult man of the sort he might aspire to be. How would an adult like that resolve an issue?

so far physically retalliating has not worked so well, has it, if there just was another incident?

browneyedbazzi

Has your son tried to speak to a teacher about the behaviour of this other boy or has he always just reacted with a hit/shove back? If he hasn't tried to deal with the problem by talking to someone then they won't know about the other boy's behaviour and will just see your son acting violently.

At 10, I'd expect a child to be well on the way to learning that hitting/shoving isn't the way to resolve a problem and to be able to remove themselves from a situation and get adult help. I don't think telling children to just hit back is going to teach them how to resolve conflict and if that sort of thing carries on later in life it may lead to real trouble.

As for meeting with the head teacher, I wouldn't go in 'on the attack' - I'd suggest sitting down and having an adult conversation with the head teacher about how they would like your son to deal with incidents so that he will know how to handle himself and won't get into trouble for reacting violently in future.

Kayalana99

It's true to be said ~ that it really depends on how you word things on these forums what kind of response you get.

It wasn't that long ago someone came on here with a sob story about their child at school getting bullied and now they had hit back after much torment were in trouble...

The most 'thanked' answers were ones saying that you can't run away from a bully & telling a teacher doesn't help...and sometimes the only way to get rid of them is to retaliate and even a teacher got involved and said they agreed with defending yourself.

I think when you go see the head instead of focusing on your sons behaviour ask what is being done about the fact your son was attacked in school twice and what are they going to do about it....

Mojisola

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I think when you go see the head instead of focusing on your sons behaviour ask what is being done about the fact your son was attacked in school twice and what are they going to do about it....

I would take this line too.