Need some advice please

FBaby

I know some of you probably think I'm an idiot for wanting to stay with him, but I want it to work and have my dream back.

I think you are doing the honourable thing to do, but I think you want your dream to have a chance, you're going to have to treat him like an adult, not a child who has been naughty who you tell off and then forgive immediately. The reality is that he is being very immature and as such, probably acts on the basis of what he can get away with. At the moment, it would seem it is about everything. Him growing up is realising that he can't get away with having the good things that comes from being a family whilst still enjoying the good things that come with being single and not accountable to anyone.

SavingPennies_2

cmace2 wrote: »

I think a reason why I'm finding it so hard to let go is because I haven't fallen out of love with him, I haven't stopped wanting a relationship with him. HE is the one who cheated, HE is the one filled with empty promises, HE is the one who isn't putting the effort into our relationship, so why am I the one who has to walk away ?

Perhaps, because he doesnt want to look like the bad guy! He knows what everyone (quite rightly) will say and think if he left you a month before your baby is born!

Sorry I know that sounds harsh but it doesnt sound like he wants to be in this relationship, and it doesnt sound like you do either (because of his behaviour). I think you need to have a long serious talk with him, either he pulls his finger out and you make this work or it's time for you to seperate and you will have the support from your family and you will be okay.

sax11

cmace2 wrote: »

Thank you for all your advice. My mum has suggested going out to the garage and sitting in there with a book etc, when he's popping out places go with him. .

I'm not so sure they are wise ideas.

It could all backfire with him then accusing you of not trusting him, wanting some space.

Have you tried activities that you both enjoy and could spend doing instead of you indoors and him in the garage?

BigAunty

cmace2 wrote: »

I genuinely don't believe he's a bad partner, .

You're not really selling him to us, he's not coming across as much of a catch. Can you remind us what you actually see in him?

Apparently he's a spendthrift mummy's boy, unfaithful, disrespectful to you, with potentially a secret girlfriend, drink or drug problem, who prioritises his hobbies (or perhaps addictions) over creating a comfy nest egg for his wife and child.

Is there any chance he could have an online gambling addiction? I only say this because in the information vacuum caused by his secrecy, this has to be considered.

There's a thread on this forum by a lady whose partner racked up over 30k in debt due to a hidden drink/gambling problem and months on, she's not really sure if he has one or both of those issues now, such is his failure to man up. Hopefully, you've seen the thread and can understand the huge denial, trust issues, sabotage and resistance that the perpetrator goes through rather than face up to their problems and make any changes to improve the quality of their partner's life.

EDIT - the thread I referred to is actually on the Debt Free Wanabee forum, link below. The OPs partner has dragged his feet recognising his problems, being truthful about them and addressing his behaviour to such an extent, that on the recent paperwork submitted to work out his potential Debt repayment, he insisted on claiming that he paid for child related expenses which the OP actually pays. While this thread centres on debt (and there's no hint of debt or gambling on your thread but definately worth checking), there are some striking parallels. What will stand out to you, apart from the lack of trust, the way things are being hidden from you and your being blamed for their problem, is the way her partner also has a separate life with large parts of his life segregated from her and the home.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4945750

Free_Spirit_31

Get rid.

They say having a baby is supposed to be exciting in a relationship. However, it seems like he is thinking more about himself. I agree with a previous poster, it sounds like you will have two kids soon if you keep this charmer about.

He is more than likely chatting to someone else or looking at !!!!!! if you are no longer being intimate.

I_try

Don't walk away, run!


If/when you marry him you are making a legally and financially binding contract. You say you earn more than him and he has more debts, by marrying him you would potentially get half his debts and he would get half your savings/ house you own that is rented etc....


He is manipulative and a proven liar which he then tries to make you believe is your fault. Think about the long-term future of you and your baby, not poor little him with his excuses.

BigAunty

cmace2 wrote: »

I'm just looking for some guidance to help me decide please. Please don't judge me on what I should have done at various points as its done now and I can only change the future. ....

How about proposing relationship counselling with him or making it a condition of you continuing the relationship? If he resists and sabotages your offer/ultimatum, it will show that he doesn't feel there is any problem with the relationship, or if there is, its not on his side or due to him, just your unreasonable expectations. It will flag up that you can expect more of the same, perhaps worse, over the course of your relationship because he has no will to address any of the issues.

The following I've posted from the Womens Aid website. I will make it clear now that I am not saying you are in an abusive relationship, a victim of domestic violence in anyway, just that some of the information the WA site provides gives food for thought about the persistent nature of disrespectful behaviour, how difficult it is for the perpetrator to change, how they tend to blame the person they hurt, their sense of entitlement (in your case, to his spending his time and joint money how he likes, being unfaithful).

I know I might seem to be over egging the pudding on this one but I think some of the points the WA site makes can apply to relationships where there is disrespect rather than abuse.

Have a read through their site and pdf fact sheets to see how his attitude about deserving/being entitled to a certain standard of life without being held accountable for his behaviour will be deep-rooted and hard to challenge and change. That's my point - the disrespect he shows is perhaps entrenched behaviour that he will resist changing and it could escalate because of this sense of entitlement.

He is very happy with the power imbalance - lots of time for him to enjoy beer with his mates, get a bit of skirt, enjoy constant treats despite the looming expense of the baby without so much as having to put up a shelf.

The very dynamic in the relationship that frustrates you are ones that make him want to stay with you, namely that he can spend his time, money and passion for other women how he likes without fulfilling quite conventional behaviour expected of a partner, such as making the house homely or supporting you through your pregnancy.

Are your friends and family aware of his appalling behaviour? Is his? How do they feel about your abandonment and his infidility or are you too ashamed to tell people you know or he's asked you not to speak of it?

You could read the following passages by reading the words 'victim' and 'abuser' and replacing it with 'me' or 'OH' and the words 'violence' and 'abuse' with 'disrespect', for example. It's only the pattern of entitlement and not seeing any issues on his side that I wish to convey, why he feels you ought to just 'get over it'.

"The abuser has a choice to use violence for which he is responsible and for which he should be held accountable. Abusers do not have to use violence. They can choose, instead, to behave non-violently and foster a relationship built on trust, honesty, fairness and respect.

Blaming the victim” is something that abusers will often do to make excuses for their behaviour. This is part of the pattern and is in itself abusive. Sometimes abusers manage to convince their victims that they are to blame for the abuser’s behaviour. Blaming his behaviour on someone or something else - the relationship, his childhood, ill
health, alcohol or drug addiction - is an abuser’s way of avoiding personal responsibility for his behaviour.

Perpetrators of domestic violence frequently avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour, by blaming their violence on someone or something else, denying it took place at all or minimising their behaviour.

Abusers choose to behave violently to get what they want and gain control. Their behaviour may originate from a sense of entitlement ...

Domestic violence is about gaining control, not a lack of control. ...Abusers use violence and tactics of coercion as a way of exercising control and getting what they want. "

VestanPance

I find it hard to believe you think this guy is a good partner.

1. He cheated on you and blamed you for it!
2. He's bad with money and from your comments this seems at odds with your own view point.
3. He treats you with no respect.
4. He isn't going to magically change. You being pregnant at the very least should be the moment the penny drops and that he starts acting like an adult.

It's a shame you got pregnant before you really found out what he was like, but there is nothing in your posts that make your future with him sound anything less than dreadful.

cmace2

Thank you everyone. Yes he kept setting himself milestones for sorting himself out, like the 20 week scan, but they've been and gone with no improvement. We had two 'open and honest' conversations at the latter end of last week after I posted this, but after a weekend of !!!! ups even with me trying to make the effort and go wherever he was to spend time with him, I said last night that I gave up. I've come home from work tonight with him actually in the house cooking me dinner, promising that he has done everything he needed to for this week and will be with me in the house, and he loves me and he will sort it. I've just heard it all before but every time hope that this is the time he means it. It's just hard to accept that I think I need to call time on the relationship, when we should be looking forward to the most exciting times of our lives.

globetraveller

You just sound so sad. I really think you need to stand by what you told him yesterday. He probably thinks that a cooked dinner and he stays in for the night and then it can go back to what it has been. The longer you leave any action the more difficult it will become.
Sometimes a split actually helps to get people back together. You have time to think things through and decide what you really want. Of course sometimes the split is permanent. But in any case, I wouldn't back down now. Give yourself some thinking time.